Episode 54, originally published 25-Jul-97

Bird's I

"Michael, I need someone to represent me in my divorce case," Phyllis says to Michael over a cup of bad coffee at the nearby diner. "Your divorce? I thought you two were happily married." "We were, but then that damned bug--" Michael understands immediately. He raises a hand as if to say "Stop. Don't go there." "I understand," he says. "You do?" "I do indeed. And I can't tell you what I'd give to represent you. But there's the small matter of the felony conviction against me--I'm not allowed to represent clients." "In a divorce?" "For anything. In the eyes of the law, I'm not a lawyer and never will be." "This has to do with Christine, doesn't it." "You catch on quickly," he says with a sad smile. "If only I could teach you to--wait a minute, I have an idea." He thinks for a moment. "Yes, I've got it!"

In the courtroom, a few days later, Cricket is sitting with Danny at the plaintiff's table. Phyllis enters and walks to the respondant's table. Court is not yet in session, so Danny gets up to talk to Phyllis. "Thanks for not making a million excuses to put this off," Danny says. Phyllis smiles awkwardly. "Well, Danny, you know I don't WANT to divorce you--BUT I don't want to hold up a decision on procedural grounds, either. It seemed best to just roll the dice and see what happens." Someone yells "All rise" as the Judge enters. Phyllis stands conspicuously alone at her table.

Everyone takes a seat in the courtroom. Cut away to Michael who is talking through a microphone and watching a video screen which shows a sort of home movie view of the courtroom. Phyllis presses her hand against her ear on the side away from Danny and Cricket. "Now, just relax," Michael says through the microphone. "Don't want to spoil the surprise we have in store for little Miss Cricket, now do we?" Phyllis shakes her head and smiles. "Now do it just the way we rehearsed it--and don't get worried--I'm here to help you."

The Judge looks to Danny's table. "Mr. Romalotti, I see you'll be represented by Ms. Williams." "That's right, Your Honor," Danny confirms. "And Mrs. Romalotti, ..." "I'll be representing myself, if Your Honor please." Cricket stands and starts to object, "Your Honor, you know the old saying, a person who represents herself has a fool for a lawyer." In the other room, Michael starts to speak, "I think it's the other way..." and in the courtroom we hear his words being repeated by Phyllis "around, your honor. But perhaps Ms. Williams just isn't up to the task of matching wits with a fool... might be pretty embarrassing if she loses." The judge breaks in, "That's enough, both of you. You will address the court, not each other. Now, Mrs. Romalotti, it is your right to waive counsel if you so desire, but I must recommend that you think seriously about this. You could miss out on valuable assistance." "I apologize for the outburst, Your Honor, and I'll take my chances against Ms. Law School Correspondence Course over there, thank you. I love my husband and I'm confident this proceeding will bring that out." "Very well, let's proceed. Plaintiff call your first witness."

Cricket rises and says, "Plaintiff calls the prominent World Inquisitor staff writer--" Phyllis chimes in, "Objection. `prominent?' Assumes facts not in evidence." Cricket is taken aback and looks to the judge, slightly aggravated. "Sustained." Cricket gives the judge a "give me a break" look with her eyes, as Michael whispers to Phyllis, "That's great. Keep her off balance." Cricket says "Plaintiff calls World Inquisitor staff--" Again Phyllis breaks in, "Actually, if the purpose of this witness is to establish that I lied to my husband about the paternity of my child, that word got around, and that eventually my lie caught up to me, I'll stipulate to that." Cricket stops, blinks, and says, "That was my intent, your honor." "Well, it's been neatly disposed of," says the Judge. "Now move along." "Plaintiff calls Dr. Joshua Lan--" Phyllis breaks in again. "If the purpose of calling this witness is to establish that I got a little overeager in telling my husband that I was already pregnant with a second child for him, I'll stipulate to that." Cricket turns to the judge. "Judge, she's undercutting my whole case." The Judge looks back at Cricket. "Seems to me she's just trying to speed things along." "Yes, Judge, but the empathy that would be established by having these people on the stand is lost when she just stipulates like that." "Do you need a recess to compose yourself, Ms. Williams?" "No, your honor, I'll continue," she says, glaring at Phyllis. "Plaintiff calls Danny Romalotti."

Danny swears in and takes the stand. "You and I were married once, isn't that right?" He nods, "Yes." "And we were very much in love, wouldn't you say?" "Yes." "In fact, wouldn't you say that it was the marriage of a lifetime?" Phyllis stands and grumps "Objection. She's leading the witness, Your Honor." The Judge nods. "Sustained." "Withdrawn," says Christine with a sigh. "But it was a damned good marriage," Cricket says. "Objection! Now she's testifying, your honor." "Sustained. Ms. Williams, I don't want to have to warn you again. Your obsession with your ex-husband is well-known throughout Genoa City... it doesn't surprise me you wanted to represent him. But leave your daydreams about him at the door or I will have you cited for contempt." "Yes, Your Honor," she says reluctantly. Cricket turns back to Danny, "Until a few days ago, isn't it true that you thought were very in love with your wife and that you had a wonderful little child you loved, as well?" "That's right." "But something changed, didn't it?" "Yes." "What happened?" "I found out it had all been a lie. It wasn't my son that I loved. And Phyllis, she wasn't the woman that I thought she was. It was all a lie..." "No more questions," Christine says. Danny looks expectantly to Phyllis. "No questions," she says. "Your honor, the plaintiff rests," Cricket says.

The Judge looks to Phyllis. "Do you wish to call any witnesses?" "I do," Phyllis says. "I call Katherine Chancellor Sterling." Katherine enters and is sworn. "Katherine Chancellor Sterling," Phyllis repeats. "But that's not your real name is it?" "It most certainly is." "But Sterling? That's not your name..." "It was my husband's." "Your husband? The father of Danny Romalotti?" "Yes, that's right," Katherine says. "Isn't it customary in the US for a young man to take the name of his father?" Phyllis asks. "And he did" "So why is Danny Romalotti not Danny Sterling?" "It's something of a long story. When we first met, he pretended to have the name Sterling... and after a while, I took him to be that man." "He lied to you then." "At first. Yes." "And the lie came out." "Yes, it did." "But that didn't keep you from having a wonderful marriage, did it?" Katherine takes out a tissue to wipe a tear from her eye. "No, it did not. A wonderful marriage indeed. What a man--or woman--is about is not about their past and how they got there. It's about what they have in the moment--about their love for each other, the time they spend, the things they build." "And as Danny's mother, what would be your advice to Danny--" Cricket stands and objects, "Objection. Ms. Sterling is NOT Danny's mother." Danny glares at Cricket and says, "I object to the objection, Your Honor. I think of Katherine as my mother!" The judge bangs a gavel, and Michael's voice is heard over the headphones. "Good, good. We can really use that little outburst." "Order, please. Rephrase the question." "Mrs. Sterling, do you have any advice for Danny." "My advice? My advice is that he follow his heart. If Danny thinks Daniel is his son, that is the reality of the matter. Certainly Daniel thinks Danny is his father, and I see no reason for that to change." "Thank you, Mrs. Chancellor." She looks to Cricket, who starts to rise and then sighs. "No questions."

"I call Dr. Timothy Reid," Phyllis says. He rises and is sworn in. She opens her purse and pulls out a black box about the size of a video tape. He mops his brow worriedly. She opens the box to reveal a makeup mirror and powders her nose momentarily, then winks at Tim, who is again wiping his brow. "My goodness, Doctor, relax. This won't hurt a bit," she giggles. "Now, you testified at our earlier divorce hearing, didn't you?" He nods. "I did." "And when you did, you said there was no chance Danny could ever love me, didn't you?" "Objection!" Cricket says. "I have reason to believe that Dr. Reid's testimony in the earlier trial was coerced." The Judge looks to Dr. Reid. "Is there any evidence to support this woman's claim?" Dr. Reid looks nervously to Phyllis and then to Cricket. "No, Your Honor. Her claim is without foundation. I made a report in that case in which I went out on a limb and said that it seemed possible for them to get back together. Later I worried that that might have been just a flight of fancy and I tried to withdraw the report. But it doesn't matter anyway, because the facts of the case are that my first report was proved correct--there was a chance, and the Romalottis did reconcile, even when no one expected it." "Objection overruled, Ms. Williams. Please confine your objections to those for which there is foundation; this is a court of law and your remarks are made for the record--you don't want to risk a slander charge against you by this witness." Cricket fumes.

"So it's your professional opinion that Danny would be wrong to give up on me at this point?" "I'm afraid it is," Dr. Tim says. "That will be all." "A question on cross if you don't mind," Cricket says. "Dr. Reid, are you not in fact in love with Phyllis yourself?" "I ... have... had ... feelings for her. But she has made it clear that--" "That's all. Thank you," Cricket says. "I'd like to ask a rebuttal question if you don't mind," Phyllis says. "How does she know about all this procedural stuff?" Danny whispers to Cricket. "I don't know, she must have watched a lot of Perry Mason, I guess," Cricket says back. "Dr. Reid," Phyllis says, "When you have approached me about your -- affections -- what has been the consistent reason for my holding you at bay?" "That you were still in love with Danny," Tim answers. "Thank you. That will be all." The judge looks to Cricket, who shakes her head to indicate "nothing further".

"I call Danny Romalotti," Phyllis says. There's a gasp around the courtroom and Danny comes to the stand. "Danny, we were very much in love, wouldn't you say?" "Yes, I'd have to say we were," Danny says. "And wouldn't you say that it was the marriage of a lifetime?" "Objection," says Christine. "I asked the same question and you ruled it leading." Phyllis smiles sweetly and says to the Judge, "Judge, would you be willing to let me treat the witness as hostile for just a little bit?" Danny looks to Phyllis. "I resent that! I am not hostile!" Phyllis smiles at Danny. "It's a term of art, sweetie. Don't take it personally." The judge nods. "I'll allow it. You may lead the witness." "It was the marriage of a lifetime, then, wasn't it Danny?" Danny nods. "In many ways, yes it was. Until recently." "And the sex? It was better than anything you'd ever had, wasn't it." In the microphone, Michael says, "Chris is such a tease--I'm just sure she never really put out." "Yes, yes, the sex was better--I'd have to say that." Chris gasps! "Your Honor, I object." "On what grounds, Counsel?" "I don't know! I just object." "Overruled. Please try to contain yourself. Go ahead, Mrs. Romalotti."

"Now, Danny," says Phyllis. "You once married a Tracy Abbott, is that right?" "It is." "Why did you do that?" "She had gotten pregnant. I didn't want her son to be brought into this world without a father." "But you didn't father that child, did you?" "No." "So it was all going to be a lie to that child, wasn't it?" "I guess so, but--" "That's ok, just answer the questions I put to you. So a lie that holds a family together or helps keep people happy is sometimes ok..." "Sometimes, yes." "If it's meant well?" "Yeah, I guess you could say that." "What happened to that marriage?" "Tracy lost the baby, and we let the marriage go." "Because you lost interest in her?" "No. I never had any interest in her--it was just the right thing to do. For the child's sake. But then there was no child, so..."

Phyllis goes on with questioning Danny. "Now you knew when you married me--the second time--that my past was pretty fishy, didn't you?" "I did." "But you agreed to let the past be the past and to move ahead into the future." "That's right." "And is there anything I did in the present other than try to bring you happiness and try to keep your trusty lawyer there from interfering in my life?" "No, I can't say there is." "Two last questions, and I'd like you to look into Katherine Chancellor's eyes--the woman you called your mother--" "Objection! She's not his mother!" Cricket says. "But he did call her that," Phyllis says to the Judge. "Overruled." "I'd like you to look into the eyes of the woman you called your mother and answer these questions now: Is blood really what matters in making a family?" "No. No, I can't say that it is." "And can people get past a lie and still build something beautiful if they really try?" "I guess they can." "That's all." Cricket is still fuming.

The Judge looks to Phyllis. "I'm ready to rule if you want." "I have one last witness, Your Honor." "Ok..." "I call the plaintiff's lawyer, Christine Romalotti." "I object!" Christine starts to say, but the Judge stares her down. "Oh, never mind," Christine says, resigned. She is sworn in. "You're not still married to Danny, are you?" Phyllis asks. "No." "Because as much time as you spend thinking about him, it'd be easy to get confused now wouldn't it?" "Objection!" Cricket says. "She's leading me." "As well she should," the Judge says. "If ever I saw a textbook case of a hostile witness, Ms. Williams, it would be you." "Ms. Williams, you're the godmother of little Daniel, aren't you?" "I am." "And in accepting that role, you swore you'd do what's good for him." "I did." "You don't like me, do you, Ms. Williams?" "No, I don't." "You don't trust me, do you?" "No." "But you do like Danny." "Yes." "If Danny and I divorce, do you expect he'll want to raise little Daniel?" "It's not his son." "So you expect Daniel will spend more time with me?" "That's right." "Someone you don't like." "That's right." "And you call that a good faith attempt to carry through on your promise as a godmother? Arranging for someone to take care of Daniel who you don't like or trust?" "My oath of allegiance to Danny is stronger." "The one that caused you to divorce him?" "Objection! Argumentative," Cricket says. "Withdrawn," says Phyllis. "Nothing further from Danny's fairweather friend here, Your Honor. The respondant rests."

The judge looks around the court. "I'm prepared to rule immediately on the petition for divorce." She looks around and sees no objection--just waiting eyes. "I see considerable evidence that this marriage is in a turmoil, but also considerable evidence that all parties have a demonstrated ability to weather the storm. I rule that the petition be denied at this time, and that the Romalottis should appear back here in six months time to review their situation." The judge slams the gavel and the court is adjourned. Phyllis runs to hug Danny as Cricket is saying to him, "Danny, this is very embarrassing--I'm sure we'll win on appeal." "No," Danny says to her. "I don't want to appeal this. Phyllis made quite a case for why I should give this marriage a better chance--it's time I gave that some thought." Cricket sputters some more as Paul and Mary tug on her arm and try to usher her away. "You were quite the lawyer there," Danny says to Phyllis. "Are you kidding? When it comes to defending my marriage--I can do anything, Danny. I love you. Don't you get it by now?" "I'm starting to," Danny says. "Hey, what's this in your ear--some kind of Bug." Phyllis laughs. "Not a bug, Danny. An Anti-Bug. Just kind of a good luck charm to help me get through the day." She puts the device back in her purse.

Michael emerges from a nearby room just as Christine is walking down the hall. "Christine! Oh, I forgot you were going to be arguing that case today or I would have stayed away. Sorry! I assume the case went ok? I heard the other side wasn't even using a lawyer--bet that was a piece of cake, huh? What kind of idiot would it take to screw up a case with no lawyer on the other side?" Cricket makes a move like she wants to scratch his eyes out, but Paul and Mary make a wall between them and continue to hurry her down the hallway. Michael turns away and smiles. "Michael," he says to himself, "you may not be a lawyer any more, but you can still win those cases!"

That's all for this episode. Hope you learned something. Don't miss Episode 55!
If you missed any older episodes, see the index.

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