Episode 89, originally published 18-Mar-98

Musical Shares

Cassie is with Grace and Sharon. It's night, but Nick is out celebrating Victor's birthday. "Cassie, Sharon has something she wants to tell you," Grace says. "Actually," Sharon says, "I think you should tell her," Sharon says. "Me?" Grace says. Sharon nods. "If I remember right, your version of this story is more detailed than mine." Grace sighs and says, "Ok. Once upon a time there was a woman named Sharon and she was pregnant with her little baby... for a really, really long time. 10 months. And even then the baby was born prematurely." Cassie rolls her eyes. "That can't happen, you know. But what does it have to do with me?" "Patience, Cassie, I'm coming to that..."

Later in the night, Grace is still telling the tale of how Cassie was found. Cassie has curled up in a ball as if to sleep. She mutters, "Wake me when you get to the part about me." And then she drifts off to sleep. Grace's story rambles on. Finally she comes to the part about Cassie and says, "Wake up, sweetie. We're coming to the part about you!" Cassie opens her eyes and looks skeptically at her. "Sharon, can you check my Mommy's temperature to make sure she doesn't have a fever? This is a pretty weird story and doesn't seem to relate to me at all." "I know, Sweetie," Sharon says. "That's what I thought when I first heard it. But believe me, you're getting the condensed version--it took three days to tell me this story." "Three days?? I have to go to school. I can't be here listening to Grace ramble for three days." "Shhhh," Grace says. "So then I found you at Millie's and I promised Millie that I'd take you to your birth mother, Sharon." "Sharon? You promised you'd take me to Sharon and then you didn't? You kidnapped me for months and didn't tell me you knew who my real mommy was until after I had given up in complete despair and was ready to settle for you as a substitute?" Sharon chimes in saying, "Oh, Cassie, the point is that I'm ready to take you now." Cassie sighs. "Oh, shut up, Sharon. You're the one that gave me away in the first place--you're not any better! You're just two selfish women fighting over a toy! And I don't like being the toy."

Cricket arrives at Danny's apartment. She knocks and he opens the door, surprised to see her. He looks around behind him in the house. "Uh, oh," he says. "Looks like little Daniel is awake..." "It's ok," she says. "It's ok, Danny. Paul threw me out. I'm here to stay. You don't have to anesthetize him any more." "You know about that?" "Danny, of course I know about that. Don't you think after a while I'd get a little suspicious that he's asleep every time I come over? Growing kids don't do that. And his arm looks like a pin cushion from all the times you've done it. I was getting so worried about him that I had almost decided if I didn't move in with you soon I was going to call Phyllis and tell her you were drugging your kid." "I wasn't drugging him. I would never stoop to her level. I was just ... helping him sleep." "Well, anyway, you don't have to do that any more. You've won. I'm yours now. Now we can finally be happy, just like we used to be."

Cassie sits down in front of Doris at Collins & Sons. "Mrs. Collins," Cassie explains, "I want to divorce both Sharon and Grace as my mommy. I don't want a mommy." "Now, now," Doris comforts her. "Be good now, child. There are mommies out there that have no kids because their husbands are jerks and had vasectomies." "There are?" Cassie asks excitedly. "Can we find one of those?" "I'm sure we can, child," Doris reassures her. "We'll put an ad in the paper and see what we can turn up."

By now, Cricket and Danny are already beneath the sheets for a long-awaited reunion. (Did I hear Danny suggesting that "maybe drugging little Daniel just once more to get him out of the way won't really hurt"?) As Cricket finally sees Danny, she says, "Wow!" A voiceover from her adds, "It's SO amazing the tricks memory can play--I remembered it as so much bigger!" Her mind drifts back to Paul, finally bringing a smile to her face. "Oh, yes, I know just what you mean," Danny says, thinking he is lying to her, since he is thinking pretty much the same as she is... His mind shifts to thoughts of Phyllis. A muzacked version of Bless the Beasts and the Children plays as the scene fades.

Sharon has been going on about Cassie again. Nick ignores her, reading the newspaper as she explains the Cassie situation. She finishes saying, "So you see why I want Cassie to come and live with us--so that she she can finally be my child." Nick looks up worriedly. "You want Cassie to be your child? Is this a subtle way of asking me to get a vasectomy?" "WHAT?" she asks. He points to an ad in the paper and reads, "`Precious little girl seeks home with loving mother and father who's had vasectomy.' That's you wanting to be the mother, right? That leaves me getting snipped." "I hear you'll hardly feel it," Sharon teases. "I hear your father had one." Nick looks at her puzzled. "I don't think so, Sharon." "Ask him," she says. "I don't have to," Nick says. "He had me--he couldn't have had a vasectomy," he says proudly, pleased with his logic. "He had it after he had you," Sharon says. "Oh," Nick says, his ego deflating like a spent airbag. "So you're SERIOUS about this kid thing?" he asks. "Yes, I'm serious about Cassie," she says. "But you don't have to get snipped," she adds. Nick breathes a sigh of relief. "Ok, well, when you put it that way, I'm starting to warm to the idea," he says.

It's the next day. Cassie, Phillip, Lily, and Nate are on the playground together at school eating sack lunches. "Anyone want to play chess?" Cassie asks. "I don't know how," Lily admits. One by one the others say, "Me neither." There's a pause in the conversation. Nate says, "Let's play basssssseeeeeeballllllll." "That's boring," Cassie says. "I'm not dressed for it," Lily says, showing off her dress. "Hockey is better," Phillip says. "You boys are sooo violent," Lily says. Then she adds, "Why don't we play Grownups?" "groaaannnnups? What's that?" Nate asks. "It's where we all play like we're our parents." "But we don't know what each others' parents are like," Cassie notes. "That's ok--that'll make it more fun. We can try to guess," Lily says. "Sounds dumb," says Nate. "You're just not smart enough to play, you mean," Lily says. "Am too!" Nate says. "Then prove it!" Lily says. He glares back at her.

As Joshua leaves for work, Sarah peeks out of the window in her room and blows him a kiss. Then she turns toward the door and says, "Today, Nikki! It's time." This being AWO and not the actual show, she proceeds without commercial intervention to carry through on her threat. She immediately enters the room where Nikki is and picks up some crystal to polish. "Be careful with that," Nikki says. "Remember what happened the last time!" Sarah gives her a blank look and dangles the piece of crystal over the brick of the nearby fireplace. "This? You're afraid I'll break this?" She tosses it into the air and catches it. Nikki turns redder. "Why Nikki, you look like you're about to have a coronary. That's not good for you, you know." She picks up another piece of crystal and starts to juggle the two. Then, deftly she grabs a third and manages to keep them all in the air for a short time before they crash to the ground. Nikki starts to say something but then does indeed have the aforementioned coronary and collapses on the floor. Sarah looks to Nikki and then to the glass on the floor. "I should really call the hospital," she says. "But a tidy household is soooooo important to Nikki--I'd better just clean up this other mess first. She'd want it that way." She gets a broom and dusts up. Then she starts to make the call to the hospital but stops herself. "No, I'm not really employed as a medic. That means this wouldn't be part of my job. So it would be a personal call. And you don't like me making personal calls. Well, I'll just go to my room and hope I still remember to make the call when I get there..." She exits.

"Ok," says Nate to Lily. "I'll show you I can play. I'll even start." He goes back to eating his lunch. "Ok, start," Lily says. He ignores her. He continues to eat his lunch. "Nate, you said you were gonna play. Now are you or not." Nate looks at her. "I was playing." "What do you mean?" "I was being your daddy and you were being your mommy. All they every do's ignore each other." She giggles. "You're right, Nate! Hey, that was pretty good. Now, let me try one." She goes and does some somersaults in the grass. Nate says, "Hey, that's my mooommmmy thinkin' 'bout my daaaaddy!!" "Close," Lily says. "It is your mommy but that's not she thinks about Uncle Malcolm--he just makes your mommy smile. She was thinking about my Daddy!"

Cassie says, "Hey, I want to try this." She goes to Phillip's lunch and finds a banana and says, "Can I borrow this? I need another prop." "Is this part of the story?" Phillip asks. "Not yet," Cassie says. "Well, ok," Phillip says, wanting to see what happens next. She takes the banana and puts it in her lunch bag. "Are we starting yet?" Nate asks. "Almost," Cassie says. She whispers some instructions to Lily, who nods. Then Cassie says, "Now we're starting." Cassie reaches into her lunch bag and pulls out an orange, saying, "I'm not really very hungry." Then she tosses the orange on the ground in Phillip's direction. "Gee, if you weren't hungry, you shouldn't have taken my banana," Phillip says. "Shhhh," Nate says. "It's part of the story." Phillip picks up the orange anyway and eyes it hungrily. Lily then whispers something to Nate, who walks to Cassie and takes her banana, throwing it high into the air. Before it can land, Lily says to Phillip, "Cassie's going to be hungry now that her banana was stolen. Can I have that orange to give to her?" Phillip hands Lily the orange, but by now Cassie has the banana back in her hands. She dusts it off a little, and then starts to peel it. "Hey, she's eating my lunch," Phillip says. "Oh, you're right, she is," Lily says. Then Lily turns to Nate. "Here, why don't you help me eat this orange." "Hey," says Phillip. "You said you were taking the orange to Cassie." Lily looks at Cassie and says, "Sharon already has her hands full with the banana. She can't manage two fruits at once." Cassie looks at Lily and says, "Hey, that's my orange." Lily looks back at Cassie and says, "It was yours but you didn't want it--and anyway, your mouth is already full of banana--don't be so piggy." Phillip asks, "Is this still that grownup game or just a food fight? I feel like I got swindled out of my lunch."

Cassie hands half a banana back to Phillip. "Sorry," she says. "I guess I got carried away. Did anyone guess who we were playing?" Their heads shake. "I'll give you a big hint," Cassie says, "I was the orange." No response. "And my mommy Grace was Lily ... and my other mommy Sharon was me..." "So you mommy Grace ate you?" Nate asks, surprised. He examines her for bite marks. "No," Cassie says, shaking her head sadly. "It's a metaphor." Nate says, "A metawhat?" Cassie says, "I guess I should have picked a less sophisticated game." "I understood," Lily says. "The fruits represented children. You were the orange, rolling from house to house. The banana, a phallic symbol, was chosen to represent a boy--young Noah, I assume. The sibling resentment is modeled by the half-eaten--" Cassie stops her and shakes her head. Then she makes a motion with her fingers like she's smoking a cigar and says, "Don't overinterpret. Sometimes, Lily, a banana is just a banana..." The boys aren't really following any of this, but the sudden imagery of a banana being a banana is well within their grasp to comprehend. They all laugh.

At dinnertime. Cricket and Danny enter Gina's together and are warmly greeted by Gina. "Ah, the happy couple reunited at last. I'm so glad to see you two together again at long last." Danny smiles and says, "Me, too, sis." Cricket adds, "Well, you can thank Paul for nudging it along. He practically threw me out of the house this morning." "Well," Gina says, "let's see about getting you some nice home-cooked food to make you feel like things are ok again." She takes them to a table. A few moments later, she gets up to make an announcement. Cricket looks to Danny, "Are you singing tonight?" "Not that I know of," he responds. "But maybe she's--" Gina starts to talk. "Tonight we have a very special entertainment segment. An up-and-coming singer I've heard only once before when he auditioned--this is his debut on the stage. Ladies and gentleman, The Birdman."

Grace enters the main house to find Joshua pacing around. "Is something the matter, Dr. Landers?" she asks. Joshua nods. "My wife is in the hospital. She apparently had a coronary. I'm hoping she'll survive, but I fear the worst." Grace sighs. "I'm sorry to hear that. I hope things come out ok." "What brings you by here?" Joshua asks. "Oh, I just came up for some coffee." "We're busy telling Cassie a long story and we ran out of coffee down at Sharon's." Joshua nods. "You could ask Sarah--she's in the kitchen."

In the kitchen, Grace finds Sarah. "Did you hear the awful news about Dr. Landers wife?" Grace asks. "Oh, yes. I only wish there was something I could do." "Well, I'm a big fan of substitution therapy," Grace says. "Does Dr. Landers have a lost ex-wife that perhaps could be substituted for the original in this time of grief?" Sarah pulls back part of her wig to show the hair underneath and admits, "Funny you should mention that. It turns out that I'm secretly Joshua's ex-wife." Grace smiles. "Well, that's perfect then! Just wait for the wife to die and then step in to comfort him," Grace advises. "Do you really think that's socially acceptable?" Sarah asks. "Oh, definitely," says Grace, "but just one thing--make sure the wife is dead before you do it. I've had bad experiences with this where the original didn't die." Sarah nods. "I can see that. Just one second..." She picks up the phone and dials the phone. Nikki answers weakly. "Hello?" "Nikki, it's me, Sarah. Your maid? I'm also Veronica, Joshua's ex-wife that you thought was dead. I'm here taking care of him while you're stuck in the hospital recovering.... Nikki? Nikki? Hello? ..." She hangs up. "She's alive?" Grace asks cautiously. "Well, she was," Sarah says. "I think she had a relapse, though. Thanks for the advice, Grace. Something I can help you with?" "Oh, just the coffee," Grace replies casually as Sarah helps her with that and sends her on her way.

The Birdman wears a mask that covers his eyes and nose. But we suspect his identity--more and more as events progress. The players from Danny's band are there to offer backup as he starts to sing to the tune of the ever popular song Every Breath You Take...


  Every case you take,
  Every motion make,
  Every bond you post,
  Every perp you roast,
  I'll be watching you!

  Every single trial,
  Every punk you rile,
  Every clench of fist,
  Every slap on wrist,
  I'll be watching you!

  Oh can't you beeeee
   partnered up with meeee?
  How my poor heart aaaaaaches
   with every case you maaaake...

  Every scum you nail,
  Every bum you tail,
  Every witness grilled,
  Every client billed,
  I'll be watching you!

  Since you've seen that my record is so marred,
  I dream at night that you get me undisbarred.
  I look around but I've lost my lawyer's card.
  You and me, we could beat out Scotland Yard!
  I keep pleadin' Cricket, Cricket please...

  Oh can't you beeeee
   partnered up with meeee?
  How my poor heart aaaaaaches
   with every case you maaaake...

  Every mob plan failed,
  Every scam derailed,
  Every plot you twist,
  I just can't resist:
  I'll be watching you!

  I'll be watching youuuu...
  I'll be WATCHING you...
  I'll be watching YOUuuu...
  I'll be watching you.

By now, Cricket is lost in tears as she realizes how much she really, really loves Michael. She then turns and sees that Danny has walked out during the song, presumably to throw her things back out into the street. Well, easy come, easy go. Cue Bless the Beasts (the real version this time).

That's all for this episode. Hope you learned something. Don't miss Episode 90!
If you missed any older episodes, see the index.

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