Episode 71, originally published 04-Nov-97

Child Like

Jill enters Victor's office with some important looking papers, slamming the door behind her. His tall chair is turned away from the door, but she is not deterred--she has a prepared speech, and she begins anyway from the moment she walks in the door. "Victor, I know you've said over and over that you're opposed to this, but I want you to take a look at--" She stops suddenly, as she realizes there is an odd sound coming from behind the chair. Quiet now, she hears it's sniffling. "Victor?" The chair spins around. It's Diane, and she's crying. "Oh, I'm sorry," Jill says. "I should have known it was too good to be true to find Victor's door unguarded like that. I think he's been avoiding me, and when Connie stepped away..." Diane searches the desk for Kleenex but sees none. Jill reaches into a small purse she is carrying and pulls out a tissue. Handing it to Diane, she says, "Victor doesn't keep Kleenex around--it's a sign of weakness." Diane nods, taking the Kleenex and wiping her eyes. "I should have known," she mutters.

Neil is seating himself on the couch at Olivia's in the middle of the afternoon. "Did you come by to ask some medical advice?" she asks. "Sort of," he says. "Actually, no. You see, I was looking over that pamphlet Malcolm got me about all these medical procedures and--I just can't get into it, you know?" Olivia looks away from him with a secret smile, then puts back her feigned look of concern and nods toward him. "I'm sorry, Neil. I told Malcolm that brochure was a bad idea--" "But it wasn't," he says, stopping her. "It wasn't?" she asks, confused and slightly apprehensive. "There was one idea in there--kind of a long shot, ya know, but I thought--well, I just wondered..." "Yes?" "Sometimes when a couple can't have a baby, on account of the mother, you know, they say a sister might..." "The in vitro process--" she starts to say. He shakes her head. "No, not one of those gadgety things. A natural birth. Just with you, instead of your sister. I mean... it's a lot to ask. And I probably shouldn't even think of it. But there it was in the pamphlet. And I figured I shouldn't even bring it up with Dru if I didn't know for sure that you would be interested."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Jill asks. "Would you mind?" Diane says, brightening a little. "Of course not," Jill says. "It'd be nice to talk to a woman about it and..." "And someone who's not an ex-wife of Victor's?" Jill says with a hint of disdain in her voice. "Exactly," Diane says. "There don't seem to be many." "A little trail of chewed up breadcrumbs marking the way home to the Newman Ranch," Jill mutters. Diane looks at her quizzically but doesn't take the bait; instead, she says, "I just don't know what to do... I wanted to have a baby, and--" "Victor didn't warm to the idea?" "Actually, no, he seemed to think it wasn't a terrible idea." "So....?" "Well, he said it was too late." "Too late?" "He went and had a vasectomy last week." Jill goes ballistic. "Without telling you?" Diane nods meekly. Jill is pacing the room. "Oh, that is so like Victor. Well, I hope you're not going to take this laying down." Diane shrugs. "What else can I do? Victor is my husband." "For now," Jill says. "No, he promised it was forever." Jill shakes her head and paces some more. "Boy, he really sold you a bill of goods, didn't he. Did you believe him?" "Of course I did," Diane says. "Victor is a man of his word." "His word? You're talking about a man who's been married five times." "I think it's six," Diane says. "Oh? Well, that makes it much better," Jill says. Diane isn't looking cheery. Jill suddenly realizes she needs to be softer. "Look, Diane, I don't mean to sound so harsh about this--I can imagine it's rough. But do you seriously believe this marriage is going to be forever?" Diane sobs into the worn tissue that Jill has given her. Jill starts to offer a replacement, but instead hands her the whole packet.

"Let me get this straight," Olivia says. "You want to conceive a child with me and raise it as your own--you and Dru." "Yeah, I guess you're right--it is kinda crazy," Neil says. "Actually, Neil, that's a very interesting proposition. Maybe you should ask your wife about it, though." "Well, but, I didn't want to do it unless you were going to be interested." "Well, I *would* consider it--for Dru's sake, of course. But my sister might not like it. So maybe you shouldn't mention it to her that I said so. And then there's Malcolm...." "Well, he gave me the brochure--you think he's going to then deny me what might be my only chance?" Olivia chuckles. "It would serve Malcolm right for ignoring my advice about this," she muses.

Jill says to Diane, "If you want my honest advice, I'd say to get what you can while you can, because I think your days with him are numbered." "But I love Victor," Diane says. "That's very sweet," Jill says. "But Victor is like an overindulged child--he can't commit to a woman. Except Nikki ... and maybe Hope. I think it's the children." Diane sobs anew. "Look," says Jill, "I know it's hard, but the handwriting's on the wall... Why on earth you didn't stay with Jack, I'll never know." Jack enters, having overheard at least this remark--maybe more. "Why Jill," he says, "I never knew you cared." He looks to Diane and says, "I see the Black Knight's been spreading his usual cheer..." Diane looks up at him and forces a smile. "Hi, Jack." "Anything I can do?" Diane says, "Know someone who can undo a vasectomy?" Jacks mind flashes quickly to Joshua and then to Kurt. "No," he lies. "Then I guess there's nothing to do," she says. "Oh, I don't know about that," Jack says. "When it comes to putting Victor in his place, there's always something to be done." "Like what?" Jill asks, curious. Jack sees the papers that Jill brought into the room and starts idly rummaging them. "Hey, this looks pretty good--I assume the Mustache turned you down." "Actually, he hasn't seen it yet," Jill says. Then she adds, "But I'm sure he'll turn it down when he finally does." Diane asks, "So why do you do it?" Jill shakes her head. "I guess I'm just like you," Jill says. "I enjoy banging my head against the wall." "Say, I have an idea," Jack says. "What?" Jill asks. Jack looks around and notices they are in enemy territory. "Not here," he says. "Where then?" Jill asks. "Your office?" Diane chimes in. Jack looks at his watch. "How about lunch?" he suggests. "The Private Dining Room?" "Both of us?" "Better make that three," Victoria says, entering with a twinkle in her eye that could only have come from this episode following directly after their encounter in Episode 70. Jack wheels around, "Well, I think I can manage that," Jack says with a smile.

Later, in the divorce court, we're finally seeing progress on Romalotti vs. Romalotti. We're not going to drag out the whole proceeding here because you know how tedious these events can be; we'll view the events in fast forward: "Your Honor, she was kissing her lawyer." "Objection, Your Honor. He kissed his lawyer, too." "But Your Honor," says Cricket. "We have reason to believe she's boinking her lawyer." Phyllis looks at Cricket. "Oh, like we don't have any reason to suppose you're boinking yours?" asks Phyllis snippily. "You have no proof of that," Cricket replies. "But I do," says Lynne, who today sits with Paul in the audience behind Phyllis. She stands, holding up a video tape. The judge looks surprised. "Young woman, you're out of order." Lynne whispers a summary of what happened in Episode 70 to Michael and hands him the tape. Michael addresses the court, "Uh, Your Honor, new evidence has come to light which will show that indeed opposing counsel is boinking her client just as we suspected."

At the Private Dining Room, Jack breaks the silence. "Each of us has a reason to resent Victor," he says. He looks to each of them. "Jill, he never pays attention to you and your ideas. Diane, he's already started on his standard pattern of pushing you out of his life. And Victoria, he's passed over you and your experience in favor of your younger brother as heir apparent to the company." All nod slowly. "So I think the time has come to get even." "But Jack," Victoria says, "You can't take over a privately held company. I know you and Brad have tried in the past, but it doesn't make sense. As long as Dad holds the company, his word is final." Jack nods. "That's true. But if we had another company that wasn't Victor's, we could arrange deals with that company and siphon funds out of this one into that one... It would be tricky. But with enough of us working together, it could be done. Even the normal internal auditors are usually looking for individual points of failure--they have a much harder time recognizing a complex conspiracy. We could cover each others' tracks." Diane chimes in, "But what about me?" "You have unique access to Victor--we couldn't do it without you, Sugar." Victoria says, "But what about my brother? He's got his nose in things all over the company." Jack nods. "Yeah, your father has put him in my care--I'll have to think of something to get him distracted." Jill says, "I'll take care of Nicholas." "You will?" Jack says, raising his eyebrows. "Piece of cake," Jill says. "Interesting metaphor," Victoria observes with a knowing smile.

Oops. We've obviously caught Dru and Neil mid-discussion. "Whoa there," Dru says. "Back right up. You are suggesting that you and I have another child, and the way we do it is that you and my sister tie that little DNA knot all by yourselves?" "Well, baby, if your sister loves you, surely she'd--I mean, if your sister couldn't have a baby, wouldn't you be a mother to a child for her?" "It's not that simple, Neil. For one thing, I can't just pop out a baby any time I find myself needin' a party gift for a friend." "But she's your sister." "And that's close enough," says Dru. "I don't need her to also be playin' wifey to my husband." "It wouldn't be like that," Neil says. "We'd both be doing it out of love for you," he pleads. Dru shakes her head, "I'm just not seein' it, Neil." Neil pulls out the birth control pills he found earlier. "Speaking of seein' things," he says, "what are these?" She blushes. "Where'd you find that?" "Never mind where I found it--I'm starting to ask myself if you're really committed to our marriage. Now I'm sure there's a good explanation," he says. She has none. "All right," she says finally. "All right, let's hear it then," he says. "No, all right--you can do it with my sister," she says wearily, not wanting to even get into an explanation of the pills. "But no leather, no whips, none o' that." He nods. "Agreed."

A small female voice says "Your Honor, I'd like to be heard." Cassie pushes her way through the swinging doors into view of the Judge, who still has to stand up a little to see her. The judge says, "I'm afraid you have no standing to address the court." "I am standing, Your Honor. This is as tall as I am," Cassie replies apologetically. "No," says the judge, "I mean, you can't be a lawyer. You're not old enough." "Oh," says Cassie, "I understand that. But Michael isn't a lawyer either, and I see we've made an exception for him. Your Honor, I'd like to petition the court to accept me as counsel for the interests of Little Daniel Romalotti." "On what grounds?" "Well, I'm the right height to be representing him, for one thing," Cassie explains with a smile. "And I care about what happens to him, for another. And I'm not sleeping with ANY of my clients... except Cindy." "Cindy?" "Well, she's a doll, really. But she practices with me. Mrs. Collins is helping me learn about how to be a lawyer. And we thought that since no one was looking out for Daniel's interests in this trial, this would be a good chance for me to get a battlefield promotion."

Olivia is with Neil in Neil's bed. Apparently, the deed is done. We breathe a quick sigh of relief that some tobacco company hasn't arranged for them to be smoking. Olivia wears very modest, undistinguished nightwear. He sports a tank-top t-shirt we can see and boxers we cannot. "I suppose that wasn't as ... active ... as you're used to," Olivia says. Neil says, "Actually, I really liked it. I get tired of the whips and stuff--I just do that because Dru likes it. She says it's really the `in thing', ya know." "Oh, I know. Malcolm's been bugging me and bugging me to go over to Fenmore's while that sale is going on and get one of those packaged outfits with the leather and the whips, but I--" He cuts her off. "You know, it all started when women started wanting to be on top... Everything's been all mixed up since." Olivia says, "Oh, I was so afraid you thought it was old-fashioned of me that I didn't want to--" "No, no, no," Neil says, "that was really great."

Neil looks a little uncertain about how he's been gushing. "I guess I should be careful how I talk about this. I don't think Dru wanted me to enjoy it quite this much." "It's ok, Neil. You're with me right now. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I was afraid you'd think I was boring." Neil shakes his head. "See, that's the thing, Olivia. If the woman would just leave things to her man more often, she wouldn't have to worry about that. It's the man's job to make it the wonderful experience that it is. You weren't bored, right?" She shakes her head. "Never." Then she stops and laughs. "Well, maybe according to Webster's definition number 1, but not its definition number 7." He chuckles. "Hey, that's very funny, Olivia. It's so nice to be with someone well-educated for once, too." "Careful, Neil," she says. "If you sing my praises too much we might drift into definition number 7." They both chuckle.

Dru is pacing Malcolm's living room. "I can't believe you got us into this, Malcolm," she says. She rummages in a bag she's got with her and pulls out a whip. She starts to hit the whip repeatedly on the couch. "Oooh," Malcolm says, "you are sexy when you get mad." She stops and bats her eyelashes at him, overtly teasing him. "You think so?" "Are you kidding?" he asks. He starts to elaborate: "I've tried to get Olivia to buy one o' them leather 'n' whip getups from Fenmore's--" Dru pulls out such an outfit and says, "This thing?" He nods. "That's the one. But she refuses. She just wants to lay there like as if the man's supposed to do the whole thing.... Say, why'd you bring that outfit, anyway?" Dru says with her best attempt at an innocent voice, "I just thought... well, if Neil and Olivia take too long... well, you and I might need a way to amuse our little old selves, that's all." Malcolm isn't for waiting. "Well, they've been three minutes already. That's too long for my taste. I vote for moving ahead with the entertainment segment." She turns the whip on him and cackles, "You vote? Malcolm, this whip ain't no icon o' democracy. Now you get your butt into that other room there and sister Dru will join you in a minute." "Whoo!" he yelps, and then scampers out.

Jill has rented a suite at the Genoa City Hotel. Nick, apparently oblivious to Jill's recent thing with Keith, sits on the couch in her living room as she fixes him a drink. "It's really nice of you to have me by," Nick says. Jill smiles and hands him the drink. He smells it and says, "Whoa, lotta alcohol there!" "Can't handle it, Nick? Shoulda I order up a Shirley Temple from room service?" "A Shirley Temple?" he asks, confused. "A soft drink, Nick," Jill says with a sigh. "Oh. Strange they'd name a soft drink after a politician," he mutters. Jill stares for a moment in disbelief, then continues. "Anyway, yes, I find I sometimes have to get away from the office to clear my head." "Oh, I know what you mean," says Nick. "Sometimes the walls really feel like they're closing in around you. I can see why that Scott Adams guy is always drawing offices like they were little teeny cubes--he's such a kidder. But sometimes it really feels that way." Jill is starting to realize this is going to be harder than she thought. She pours herself a stiff shot of bourbon and swallows it. Then she says, "Nick, did you know your father and I once had an affair?" Nick looks surprised. "You and Dad? Really? But, hey, that's cool." He thinks for a moment and says, "Hey, you're not building up to telling me you're secretly my mom or anything are you?" "Uh, no, Nick. It doesn't work that way. You can only secretly be a father." Nick thinks for a moment and then nods. "Oh, right." He blushes. "I guess I shoulda known that," he says.

The judge looks the little girl over. "Mrs. Collins?" she asks. "Here, Your Honor," Doris says, raising her hand from the wheelchair parking position in the back of the room. "Of Collins & Sons?" "The same, Your Honor." "I've heard you do excellent work. Well, if you vouch for the young lady here, I don't see how Daniel can be any worse off than she is now. The court recognizes her to speak." "Thank you," Cassie says and hands a handful of papers to the bailiff, who is tall enough to reach them up to the judge. "My client has asked me to enter this petition on his own behalf to be separated from all this nonsense and released in the custody of Joani, the babysitter. In all practical ways, she's Little Daniel's mother anyway. And if you could just award her some money for living expenses out of the money these two were going to fight over..." "Eminently sensible," the Judge says, "It's apparent why Collins and Sons has such a no-nonsense reputation." The Judge bangs a gavel on the table. "The petition of the youth is granted. Daniel Romalotti senior is ordered to make child care payments in the amount that was requested by Mrs. Romalotti. The two parents are asked to take their squabbling from this court. Case closed."

"Do you find me attractive, Nicholas?" Jill inquires. "Sure," says Nick. "Do you find yourself wanting to act on it?" "Act? You mean like on stage?" Jill blows up. "No, of course I don't mean like on stage. Nick, I'm trying to seduce you. Do you understand that concept at all, or do I have to put on a blonde wig and wheel your son's crib in next to my bed to get your attention?!" Nick looks surprised. "You know about that?" Jill sighs. "Yes, Nicholas. I know about that. That's why I brought it up." "It was one of the dumbest things I've ever done," he says. Jill is really exasperated and ready to give up. "No, Nicholas, I wouldn't say that. Taking things in context of your overall way of catching on, I'd say it wasn't that dumb at all." Nick beams erroneously. "Gee, Jill, I appreciate the confidence you have in me. It's nice to know everyone doesn't think I'm a dummy." "Trust me, Nick. There's a huge gap in intelligence between you and any dummy," Jill says. Then she says, "Uh, could you hold on a minute..." She goes out and in a moment comes back in the popular Fenmore's leather costume with whip in hand. "All right," she says with a determined look, "Just shut up and listen 'cuz I'm in control now." She cracks the whip. Nick looks up, "Oh, wow, you saw that fly buzzing around, too? You didn't have to go to all that trouble," he says. He stands up and whaps a fly between his hands. "There," he says, opening his hand and offering up his trophy. "We get flies like this all the time out at the ranch. You just have to know how to treat them." He looks at his watch. "Anyway, hey, look at the time--it was really nice to have this little business meeting with you, Jill. I hope we can do it again soon."

Olivia and Neil get up and start to get dressed again. "Say, what's this?" Olivia says, seeing the birth control pills on the bedside table. He frowns. "Oh, I found those. Dru was using them, I think." "Did you ask her why?" "I did. But she wiggled out of explaining them when she agreed to let me try for a baby with you." Olivia gets a sly smile of enjoyment out of this. They are mostly dressed by now. Olivia looks to Neil but says nothing. He says what she is thinking. "Do you think we'll have to do this again?" he asks. "I hope--" she starts to say but stops before saying "not". We are left wondering. He smiles. "Well, it didn't hurt a bit, doc," he says with a wink. She smiles and says, "If fate dictates, you know I'll be there for you, Neil."

A few minutes later, Jill is on the phone to Victoria. "How'd it go? Was my brother putty in your hands? Did the story Cole told me help?" Jill sighs. "I'm afraid your brother is going to take a bit more work," she explains. "But one thing's for sure..." "What's that?" Victoria says. "You have serious reason to be concerned if Victor thinks Nick is the brightest of the two of you and should be inheriting Newman Enterprises ahead of you."

Dru is with Neil later. He walks into the bathroom adjoining their bedroom and she calls to him, "So how'd it go with my sistah?" He calls back to her, "Pretty much like you'd expect." Dru opens her closet and, seeing that Neil isn't looking, takes the leather outfit and whip out of the bag and puts it back in its place in the closet. "You two didn't use any toys, did you?" she says. "No, baby," he says. "It wasn't like that." Dru nods. "That's good," she says. Dru finds the birth control pills and looks for today's pill. It seems to be missing. "That's funny," she says to herself. "I don't remember taking one today... oh well." She shrugs. Just then, she hears Neil coming and pushes the pills into her bedside drawer before he notices.

Malcolm is with Olivia again. He is unusually perky--she is unusually sedate. "You seem pretty quiet, Olivia," he says. "I'm just tired--it was an exhausting day." "My brother really wore you out, huh?" he says, needling her. "You're sure you're ok with it?" Olivia asks. "Oh, I'm cool," Malcolm says. "What did you do while I--" "Oh, I went to sister Dru's for some lunch." "And she fed you?" He laughs. "Yeah, she whipped up something." She still looks more quiet than he expects. "Hey, maybe you should prescribe yourself some vitamins or something, Olivia..." "Oh, thanks for reminding me, Malcolm!" she says. She rummages her purse and finds a small container containing a single small white pill. It looks to us like Dru's missing birth control pill. Hey, if she takes this, she won't get pregnant! And she and Neil may have to repeat their `ordeal'. Doesn't she know that? But Malcolm is clueless and so she proceeds to pop the pill. "I'll be taking a special daily vitamin program for a while," she explains. He nods. "Well, you better--just in case you end up being a surrogate mommy for your sister." "Exactly," says Olivia. "Proper family planning is SO important..."

"Hi, honey," Sharon says happily. "Did you have a nice dinner with Jill?" she adds. "It was mostly shop talk," Nick says. "And we didn't really eat. So I'm starved. Any chance you could fix me something?" "Ohhh," says Sharon, exposing pent up frustration. "What's that little noise about?" he asks. There is the sound of a toilet flushing and Miguel walks by toward a storeroom behind the kitchen. "Miguel. Thank goodness! There you are!! The food replicator is broken." "Sorry, Sharon," Miguel says. "I had to go to the bathroom." "Well, that's fine, but that machine sure is fussy. It seems like it never works unless you're around. Please take a look at it as soon as you can." "Right away," Miguel says, hurrying out of sight. Nick looks puzzled. "So what's the matter with it?" Nick asks. "Well, nothing happens when I--well, here, I'll show you." She stands in front of the machine and says, "Tea, earl gray, hot." Moments later, a door opens and hot tea sits waiting inside. "Hmmm. I guess it fixed itself," she says. "Or maybe Miguel fixed it," Nick says. "Well, whatever. I don't care. Just as long as it's working for dinner." "Right," Nick says. "So what do you want me to make you?" Sharon asks. "How about spare ribs? That's usually what I have on Tuesday nights. And I am so hungry I feel like I can smell them already." "Spare ribs it is," Sharon says with a smile. Then she announces to the machine, "Spare ribs, please. Like Nick likes them." A moment later, the door opens and a plate of spare ribs are waiting. "Cool," Nick says taking them. "You are such a good cook, Sharon. I don't know what I'd do without you..."

That's all for this episode. Hope you learned something. Don't miss Episode 72!
If you missed any older episodes, see the index.

Feedback, good or bad, is always appreciated.