Episode 99, originally published 30-May-98

Swap Meat

Michael and Phyllis are together at home. The phone rings and Phyllis answers. "Hello?" Before we hear who it is, Michael's cell phone rings. He pulls it out and also says "Hello." Each of them in unison says, "Ok, I'll be there as soon as I can." They hang up and look at each other. "Uh, I have to--" Phyllis begins. Michael nods. "Me, too. Come on, I'll walk you down." They both head toward the door, which Michael opens for Phyllis.

Jill's at the studio going over some proofs with Malcolm. She's "very impressed", of course. Both are having a good time and smiling broadly. "Malcolm," Jill says, "it is such fun working with you." "Well," says Malcolm, "I always say--service with a smile. So whatchyouwanna do now?" "Well, that depends..." "Come on, Jill, spit it out. I'm revved up and ready for anything--uh,--as long as it doesn't involve any more of that modeling stuff." "No, I wasn't thinking that, Malcolm. Actually, I was thinking maybe we should go for a drink." "You're on," Malcolm says. Jill pauses and then thinks, "And... well, ... there is just one other favor I'd like to ask." "Shoot," Malcolm says. "Well, I--could you make a phone call for me?" "Somethin' the matter with your fingers?" he asks. "No, I just don't want someone to know who's calling," Jill says with a blush. "Well, ok. Who needs calling?" "Katherine Chancellor. I want you to invite her to the private dining room to meet someone." "Someone?" "That's right. Someone. But you aren't to say whom." "And then you want me to call the someone?" "No, I'll take care of that. But call the Private Dining Room and book a reservation for her and a guest." "Oh, I see, you're doin' a little matchmaking, aren't you?" "Something like that," Jill tells him. He nods, picks up the phone, and starts to dial.

At Olivia's the phone rings. Little Nate answers. "Hellloooo?" he asks. There's a pause and then he says to his mother, who's just entering the room, "It's for youuu. It's Victoooria Newmannnn." Olivia takes the phone. "Hello, Victoria. Thank you for calling. I wanted to reach you in person but I've been having trouble finding you so I'm afraid I'm going to have to do this by phone." The camera cuts away to Victoria. "Do what?" she asks. "Notify you..." "Notify me? Is something the matter with me?" "Well, Victoria, you're pregnant."

Diane is at her house waiting for Michael when she hears a key in the lock. "Michael doesn't have a key," she mutters. She scrambles upstairs and out of sight. In the bedroom, we see her tucked behind a bed dialing 9-1-1. "Hello? This is Diane Newman. I think someone's breaking into my house. No, I don't know if it's just one. I hid as soon as--yes, yes, come at once. No, no one has the key. It's my house and mine alone. Yes, deadly force if necessary--I don't care. I just want to feel safe in my own house."

Malcolm is with Jill. Apparently he's made his phone calls. "Ok, now who are we setting her up with?" he asks. Jill smiles awkwardly. "Come on," he says, "you can tell me." Jill sighs. "Ok, Malcolm, but..." "Out with it." "No one." "No one what?" "We're not setting her up with anyone." "But I made those calls?" "Well, I just thought it would be fun to raise her hopes for nothing," Jill says. Malcolm gives her a look of utter disbelief. "You're scamming me, right?" he asks. Jill shakes her head. "Katherine and I have never been best of friends." "But I thought she took you in lately." "Into a house that should have been mine, Malcolm--oh, it's a long story." She stops and strokes his face. "Let's go somewhere where we can... talk..." she says. Malcolm eyes her. "Jill, I've seen that face on you before. Wherever it is you want to go, it's not to talk, and certainly not about work." Jill looks embarrassed. "Oh, Malcolm, I--" "Uh, I better go," he says suddenly.

"Hello?" Victor calls. Diane comes down the stairs. "Victor? What are you doing here?" "I hope you don't mind--I used my key." "Uh, I hope you don't matter--I called a S.W.A.T. team," she replies. Victor laughs. "Ha, ha." Diane laughs back--nervously. Suddenly the door is broken down and men in flack jackets invade the room, throwing Victor onto his face and cuffing him.

Nate says to Olivia, "Isn't Viccctorrrria Newmannnn the lady that Uncle Neil is dating?" Olivia looks surprised he knows that. "Yes, it is, Nate. I didn't know you knew about that." "Is Victoorrrria going to be my neeew step-aunt?" "I don't know, Nate."

Michael enters the building where Diane's apartment is just in time to see Victor being hauled out by the police.

At the private dining room, Malcolm shows up and tells the waiter he's to meet Mrs. Chancellor. He is escorted back toward the Private Dining room.

In Diane's apartment, Michael asks "Was that your former husband I just saw being hauled out of here?" "Yes," she says. "Did he cause a problem?" he asks. "Well, he tried to get in with an old key--AFTER he'd turned over the house to me. Can you imagine?" Michael nods. "I've checked into his past a bit--I hear he does the same out at the ranch, too. Or did, until he remarried his other former wife to become a resident again. Still, we can use this." "Use?" "It makes a better case. I'm sorry--I know you're still hung up on him." Diane shakes her head. "I have absolutely had it with the man, frankly. I just want to forget about him right now." She looks at Michael. "Can you help me with that, Counselor? Are you a FULL SERVICE lawyer?" She moves toward him and starts playing with his buttons.

In the Private Dining room, Malcolm enters. "Do I know you?" Katherine asks. Malcolm shakes his head. "I work with Jill. I think she set this thing up just to--" Katherine shakes her head and puts up a hand, open palm to him as if to say stop. "I can guess why," Katherine says. "I should have guessed." "Well, that's really all I cam to say," Malcolm says. He starts to leave. "Won't you stay for some tea?" Katherine asks. Malcolm looks around at the trappings of the place. "I think I'm kinda underdressed for a place like this," he says. Katherine waves her hand as if to poo-poo the thought. "It's a Private Dining Room," she says. "No one here to care but me. And I think you're dressed just right." "All right," he says. "Sure, I'd be happy to have some tea. Thanks!"

Paul's with Lynne at his office. "I spent a long time thinking it over, Lynne," Paul says. "She wants Danny." "We don't know that for a fact," Lynne says. "No, but we know she made a decision--and Danny's the first person she wanted to see." "I'm so sorry, Paul," she says, coming to the window and putting her hand on his shoulder. "Is there anything I can do?" she asks. He turns to her and says, "Oh, Lynne, you have got to be the most patient person in the whole universe. Here I am lamenting to you about the loss of Chris and you've been with me--how many years--never complaining about how little I pay attention to you." "It's a job, Boss. You've promised me a bonus now and then, but it's never included you. You have nothing to apologize for." "Maybe not, Lynne. But maybe I should feel bad just the same." "Why?" "Well, not because of what you've lost all these years, but because of what I have. What do you say we go out and paint the town red and forget all about Chris?" "I've got a better idea," Lynne says. "What's that?" Paul asks. "I've been thinking the office really needs painting..." Paul smiles. "Really? I hadn't seen any memos about this." "It's just something I've been thinking about--I keep forgetting to send the memo," Lynne says. "But I could show you," she says. She goes to the door and locks it and undoes the back of her dress. It falls to the floor revealing a bright red corset. "How's the color?" she asks with a smile, moving toward him.

Just then, Chris arrives in the outer room. Seeing no one, she starts for the door but stops when she hears voices inside. "Oh, Paul!" and stuff like that. Her smile turns to tears and she runs out.

It's back to the private dining room, where tea has turned to champagne--at least for Malcolm. "Hey, you really know how to live," Malcolm says, clinking glasses with her. "I'm starting to feel really bad about that trick we played on you," he says. "Well, I'm not," Katherine says. "I'm happy to have made a new friend. And, if you want, perhaps you could do some penance?" "Penance?" "Yes, my son Brock would say that it's good for the soul." "Well, what do you have in mind?"

At Olivia's house, the phone rings but Olivia is in the shower and doesn't hear it. Nate gets it. "Helllo?" "Hi, Nate. It's Lily!" "Oh, hiii, Lilllly!" he says. "How are you?" he asks. She says, "I'm having fun with my mother in Paris, but I miss home and sleeping in. We're up early in the morning about to go to another shoot. What's going on there?" "Wellll," he says, "youuur Dadddddy has a girllllfriend." "He does?" she asks. "Uhhh, huuhhhh. And she's pregggggnant, too!" "Wow, that's fast. I wonder if mommy knows." "I don't thinnnnk so. Victoria only just found out." "Victoria?" Lily asks. "That's the name of the the slut daddy knocked up?" "That's righht," Nate says. On Lily's end, we see Dru saying to Lily that she has to hang up. "I have to go," Lily says. "Bye!" "Bye!" Nate responds.

Jill sitting at home when Katherine arrives back. "Where'd you go?" she asks innocently. "Out," Katherine responds ambiguously. "I spent the evening with a very nice man," she decides to add. "Oh, Katherine, please. You and your fantasies. Where would an old bag like you meet a nice man? In a leather repair store?" Just then, Malcolm enters carrying takeout from the Private Dining Room. "Where can I put these?" he asks. Katherine makes a little gesture with her hand and says, "Esther will take them. Where is that woman, anyway. Esther!" Esther rushes in and says, "Yes, Mrs. C.?" "Take these lobsters and put them in something to keep them until tomorrow, will you?" Katherine says. Esther looks at the bags uncertain of what to do but nods and says in a resigned tone, "Yes, Mrs. C." She takes the bags and goes out. Malcolm and Katherine go arm and arm up the stairs out of sight, Katherine waving back over her shoulder at Jilll as she goes. Jill just stares.

Upstairs, Katherine says, "Thank you, Malcolm. I had a wonderful evening. I hope you did, too." He smiles and says, "I had a really wonderful time, actually. The only thing I'm sad about is--" "Yes?" Katherine asks with interest. "Well, I'm a photographer and I wish I'd had my camera with me when I came in and Jill saw me. That there was one hell of a Kodak moment, if you know what I mean." They both laugh. Then Malcolm adds, "Hey, you're pretty cool for an old lady." "And you're not bad yourself for an inexperienced young gentleman," Katherine says. "Hey!" Malcolm says. "Who you calling inexperienced?" Katherine smiles and kisses him. He's visibly surprised and kisses back, finding it more pleasurable than he expected. "Wow!" he exclaims finally, "you don't kiss like no old lady either!" "It's that experience I was mentioning," Katherine says with a twinkle in her eye. "It does count for something, you know." "Well, that WAS an experience, all right," Malcolm says back. Then he looks at his watch. "Hey, I better get going, but... maybe we could pick this up another time?" "I'll tell Esther and Jill to expect you," Katherine smiles.

Jack arrives at Diane's and bangs on the door. "It's me, Jack!" he says. But she's in the throes of passion with Michael on the floor. She wraps a rug around her and points Michael to sit behind the sofa for a minute. Then she rolls to the door and looks up at him from where she is." "Did I come at a bad time?" Jack asks. "No," Diane giggles. "But I have been, and it's been a good time." Jack stares at her. "Not the mustache," he says. She shakes her head. "Who then?" "Good night, Jack." She pushes the door shut, leaving him confused.

Phillip says to Ryan, "OK, look. I'm willing to give Malibu Barbie a try, but we have to do it my way, ok?" "Ok," Ryan says, "What do you suggest?" "I want to spend the night with her--just me and her--so we can get to know each other without you around." Ryan looks at him skeptically. "And what am I supposed to do?" "You can stay with Mom." "I dunno, Phillip, I--" "Look, it's either that or I'll veto this whole relationship." "Ok, ok," Ryan says. "But only if your mother agrees." He dials her on the phone and explains the proposal. "Well," says Nina, "Cricket did just move out so it's kinda lonely here--sure. It's worth a try."

Cricket arrives at Danny's but before she goes in, she looks up to his balcony where she sees Phyllis making moves on him already. Suddenly she realizes that maybe she should have told everyone all at once instead of this stupid strung-out thing where she told people one at a time. But it's too late. It's looking steamy up on the balcony. She runs away, again in tears. This time she decides to head back to Nina's.

Bad plan. When Chris opens the door at Nina's, she finds Ryan and Nina making love on the living room floor. Fortunately, they don't see her, and she slinks back out the door, sadder still.

Victoria is at Neil's, trying to get the words together to tell him she's pregnant. Just then, Dru enters. "Dru!" Neil says. "I didn't expect you..." Dru looks Victoria up and down with a look of venom. "That's plain," she says ambiguously. "I just flew in on a Concorde. And Neil--I can't believe I had to learn the truth from my daughter!" "Well, I was planning to tell you..." "Oh you were? And just when? Were you planning to just save up all the paperwork and send it at once? `Dear Dru, it turns out I didn't really have a taste for brown sugar and I decided to get me a little bit of that white sugar instead. And oooh was it fine. Only just one thang--I dipped just a little deeper in the jar than I meant to, so please find attached a copy of our divorce papers and also a birth announcement for my little milktoast daughter--or did she finally get you a son?" "Birth announcement?" He looks at her puzzled. He looks to Victoria. She tries to force a smile. "It's true, Neil," she says, "I'm pregnant." "And you think it might be mine," he asks. She nods. "When could that have happened?" he asks. "Well, you remember that time we had a company outing at that cabin in the woods--I guess we must have gotten carried away and then later forgotten. It can't be my husband because the last time I had sex with him was in January!" Neil sighs. "Oh, right. That company outing. I'd forgotten all about that." "Me, too," says Victoria. "Until your sister-in-law's tests reminded me." Dru glares at Victoria. "Well, listen here, Miss Vic-tor-i-a Newwwww-man. You had better get yourself to a doctor and tell them you want the big `A' because if you don't, I'm gonna be getting me to a hardware store and getting me a big `A-Frame' ... a ladder, you know? And I'm gonna haul your little white butt to the top of it and push you off to make quick work of that little cinnamon bun you have in the oven. But one way or another, this is NOT gonna happen, do I make myself clear?" Dru storms off to the bedroom to unpack. Victoria looks at Neil. "Wow. And she really seems to think this is a racial thing, doesn't she?" Neil shrugs. "Maybe it is." "But no one else has said anything about that," Victoria says. "It takes someone like Dru to be that direct," Neil says. "Look, maybe I better go," Victoria says. Neil nods. "I think so," he agrees.

Jack arrives at Gina's where he finds Chris sitting at the bar. "Excuse me," he says. "Didn't you used to be lead model for Jabot? Could I get your autograph?" She looks up at him with her best racooon look (her mascara has run) and smiles. "Hi, Jack," she says. "You don't look like you've had your best day," he says. She shakes her head. "Me neither," he says. "Can I join you in drink?" She nods.

Victoria arrives home at the Tack Room to find Ashley sitting on the porch outside. "Why aren't you inside?" she asks. "Take a look," Ashley says in a disgusted tone. Victoria looks in and scrunches up her nose. "Who's that he's with?" she asks. "Her name's Veronica Landers," Ashley says. "Landers," Victoria says. "What a weird coincidence." "I know. Really!" Ashley says. "Anyway, she's his new research assistant. They're apparently working on his new book." "And where does that leave us?" Victoria says. "I dunno about you, but I was about to scare up Miguel and see if he knew any Tex-Mex diners that also have dancing," Ashley says. Victoria gets a smile on her face. "I wonder if he'd like a threesome," she says. They laugh and head for the house.

Nick goes into his home to find it empty. He runs up to the main house, just missing Ashley and Victoria. He goes up to his parents room. "Shhh," Nikki says when she sees him. "I just bailed out your father and he's trying to sleep." "Well, this is important," Nick says. "Sharon's gone. Everything's gone from my house." Victor wakes and looks at him. "Well, you said you got married too young. I did some checking and it turns out you really were. Did you know you are not even a teenager yet? I don't know how we could have miscounted so badly." Nikki adds, "Honey, we heard you complaining and we never really realized what it was you were trying to say to us. You're only a child. So we've made up your room again." "But what about the house?" Nick asks. "Oh," Nikki explains, "that's for Tony and Sharon--we figured we owed it to her. So we're having it re-done--she doesn't want memories of you, you know. She says she can't wait for you to grow up--she's not even sure that when you're really an adult you'll be ready for her. So she's moving on." Victor chimes in, "She and that fella Tony are going to get married, though, so it will be ok for her." Nikki says, "Now, if you still want to be around them, Sharon has agreed to take you in along with little Cassie raise you two as brother and sister, along with your son Noah, who you are also to just treat as a brother. That's going to be a kind of embarrassing family secret, I'm afraid." Victor nods. "Or, if you want, you can live here in the main house and just be neighbors with Cassie and Noah," Victor offers as an alternative.

It's finally morning. The camera shows us the door of Ryan's apartment, where Trisha and Phillip have been all night. An excited Phillip opens the door to the police and says "this way!" We follow along as police go to the kitchen where Trisha is stabbed dead. "Someone broke in," he explains. "So I hid. I heard something, and then when I came back out, they were gone and she was... dead. She IS dead, isn't she?" he asks (a bit eagerly).

That's all for this episode. Hope you learned something. Don't miss Episode 100!
If you missed any older episodes, see the index.

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