Episode 61, originally published 01-Sep-97

Write of Passage

"I've really been enjoying the way you've opened up to me," Cole says to Ashley as they enter the Tack Estate wearing horseback riding garb. "Well," says Ashley ambiguously, "it's quite a rush trying to keep up with you," she says. "That was quite a ride we just had." He smiles. "There's just one thing I have to ask--" Cole says. Ashley says, "Okaayyyy....." "It's personal," Cole says. "All the better," Ashley says, wishing he'd move things along. "Well, you asked for it: Ashley, will you marry me?" Cole says all of a sudden. Ashley gasps. "But---aren't you already married? To Victoria?" Cole looks at her surprised. "I thought you'd heard--" he says. "Heard what?" Ashley says (in synch with all the home viewers, who haven't heard either). "Mah wife," he says, "she--well, WE--got a divorce. Over a year ago. I thought I'd notified everyone." Cole snaps his fingers and Edward appears from some back room of the Tack Estate. "Edward--why wasn't Ashley notified when I divorced my wife?" Edward thinks for a moment. "You remember, sir. We ran short of stamps--several people weren't notified." "Ah, that's right," Cole says, happy with the explanation. "Will there be anything else, sir?" Edward asks. "Nope, that'll be all Edward. Man, I don't know what I'd do around here without you--you've been such a steadfast member of the family for so long." "Thank you, sir," Edward says, exiting.

"So you've got a servant," Ashley says. Cole shakes his head. "Better." "Better than a servant? What could that be?" "Better is the source. Come here." He takes her to the edge of the set and they peek around the wall. "See that man over there?" Cole asks. "The one desperately penning away something onto his notepad?" Ashley asks. Cole nods. "That's Bill Bell. He writes the words we speak." "Cole, I think I'm having a religious experience," Ashley says. "I know--it fried me the first time I saw him, too. But the point is--I used to think the Universe was pre-determined and that nothing could ever change what was destined." "And it's not?" "Well, it is--but not nearly as far in advance as I thought. I figured maybe sometime around the start of the Universe, things were set in motion and could never be changed. But if you watch, you'll see that stuff goes straight from that man's pad to the teleprompter--with maybe a five minute delay. So if we need a butler--poof. We have a butler. It's great."

Cole says to Ashley, "You remember that ``just-in-time inventory'' concept you were talking about Jabot using? Well, this is ``just-in-time reality''. Want a demonstration?" She nods. "Sure--blow me away." "OK--but don't say I didn't warn you." The man tears off a sheet from his notepad and hands it to someone who takes it to the teleprompter. "That's it?" she says. Cole says, "You don't feel any different?" She shakes her head. "No, I feel just the same. I thought it was going to be something exciting like last night when we made love." "Ah! See! A minute ago, we hadn't ever made love." "Are you sure? The memory seems so real to me. Now that was exciting!" "No, Ashley, I'm tellin' ya--two minutes ago, we had not made love. But when that script change went to the teleprompter--reality was changed." Ashley looks amazed. "Wow--well, next time tell him to put it in the future so I can enjoy actually doing it instead of just having a fond memory." "I agree completely. I once had a torrid night of sex with Nina popped on me after-the-fact and I'm still trying to reconcile that. Not only did I not get to enjoy the experience, I can't even figure out where I found time for it. But there's the memory, all the same."

* * *

It's late evening and Mary arrives to visit Paul at his office. She knocks and peeks in. "Mom!" he says. "Hello, son," she says, closing the door behind her and coming to his desk to receive her obligatory hug and kiss. Once properly validated as a good mother, she steps back and lets him query her about why she's arrived. "What brings you by, Mom?" "Well, I just wanted to see how you were doing..." He looks at his watch. "Mom, it's ten o'clock--what made you think I was here?" "Well, your wife is working on Danny Romalotti's case, isn't she? I figured she'd be putting every effort into that and leaving you completely neglected." Paul frowns, knowing this adequately sums up the situation but not wanting to give his mother the green light to meddle freely. "So what's your point, Mom?" "Well, I'm just worried about you, Paul... I hear on the grapevine that you've been fighting a lot with Chris over this court case that's going on." "On the grapevine? Mom, what kind of surveillance equipment do they use at your church group anyway?" "Well, Paul, you know a mother can't always depend on even the best of her offspring to send letters and cards as often as they should." "But Mom, all of the arguments we've had have been here in the privacy of ..." He pauses, then says, "Lynn."

"Mom, it was Lynn who told you Chris and I were fighting, wasn't it?" Paul asks. "Well, not exactly--at least, not intentionally." "Come on, Mom. You've been caught--'fess up." She is quiet for a few moments and then says, "Well, ... you know about the new U.N.C.L.E.S. organization I belong to..." Paul thinks for a moment. "Oh, right. The--uh--United Netizens for Chat Line Evangelism and Safety?" "That's right. The ladies in the group take turns a few hours a week--lurking in Internet chat rooms and making sure that children aren't being kidnapped or abused. That sort of thing..." "And what does that have to do with me? Surely, Chris and my actions aren't a hot topic on the nation's chat rooms." "Weellll..." Mary says, "You might be surprised what kinds of things people talk about in chat rooms." "Oh really? Maybe I should hang out in a chat room instead of a lonely old car all night when I'm out doing surveillance on someone...." "Maybe you should, Paul. You just never know who you're going to run into and what they might tell you--especially if they don't know that you're their boss's mother." "Lynn? Lynn's been talking about Chris and me on the chat rooms?" "She has. Of course, everyone uses a made-up name, so it took me a while to realize it. But adoration like Lynn's is hard to disguise... and, of course, she knew your vital statistics..." "She what?" "Well, Paul, she has had a lot of time to study you--you should take it as a compliment. And, anyway, the point is that she's very, very depressed." "Depressed?" "Yes, depressed. At how badly Chris is treating you--spending all this time on her ex-husband. Oh, son--Lynn loves you so much and she wants so dearly to find a way to help you, but she just doesn't know what to do. I'm afraid if she doesn't find a way to ... to reach out to you ... that she may try to do something rash."

"But Mom," Paul says. "I've tried many times over the years to get interested in Lynn. You've suggested it more than once, you know. But she's so... boring." "Well, Paul, ... that may be. But could she be a lot more boring than a night at home alone without your wife? And the other thing is--well,-- online you may find that she's a little different. Except for this depression, I'd say it's done wonders for her. She's really... come out." "And on the basis of all of this, you think I should what--take her out?" "I've got a better idea, Paul. Why don't you come by my house tomorrow and you can meet her in a new light..."

Paul is at Mary's the next evening. Mary is typing away at the keyboard. Suddenly she stands and says, "Ok, sit right down--I've got it all set up." Paul sits and looks at the screen. "What's this about Dom Women in Leather?" "That's just the room name. Ignore that. Just say 'hello'." Paul types 'hello'. "Who's NerfSurfer? Is that Lynn?" Mary sighs. "Oh, is he there? He's such a dweeb. Here, I have a macro for dealing with him." She punches F3 and looks satisfied at the result. "What about SpikeGoddess?" Paul asks. "That's Lynn." "She says 'hi, pd'. Who's she talking to?" "She's talking to you. Private--oh, never mind. The point is I picked a name she was sure to be attracted to. She doesn't know it's you, though." Paul shakes his head. "I don't know, Mom. This feels really weird." "What should I say?" "Ask her what she likes," Mary says, sitting on the couch. Paul types. There's a pause. Mary gets up to see what Lynn is saying. "Mooommm! I need some privacy here." Mary goes back to the couch. Paul looks back at the screen. "Wow," he mutters. He types some more. "Who's RL?" Paul asks. "She wants to meet him." "He's not a him--he's a place. Real Life. She wants to meet YOU in real life." "That's amazing. And this happens all the time?" Mary nods. "Especially to 8-year-olds. That's why we U.N.C.L.E.S. are there. But I've never seen Lynn ask someone to meet before. You must have really pushed the right buttons."

Gina's, late at night. Paul enters wearing a red carnation. "I'm meeting someone," he tells Gina. "I'll send Chris over when she arrives." "No, it's not Chris. It's my secretary Lynn--but don't let on you know who she's meeting. She'll probably just ask for a gentleman with a red carnation." Gina raises an eyebrow. "It's just a little detective joke, Gina." Gina, looking mildly relieved, seats Paul at a remote table. When she returns to her stand, Lynn is waiting. "I'm here for--" "The mystery gentleman, I assume," Gina says. Lynn looks surprised and a little nervous. "That's right. Is he...?" Gina laughs. "Safe? I think so..." She leads Lynn to the table with Paul. "Boss?" Lynn asks, stunned. Paul nods to Gina, who leaves them, then says, "Hi, Lynn. Glad you agreed to join me on such short notice." Lynn looks elated. "You knew it was me? You're not disappointed?" Paul shakes his head. "Disappointed? Are you kidding? You know how bored I've been at night with Chris out working on Danny's case. It was a very intriguing conversation--and I had no idea you felt the way you did about some of our office furniture. I really think you're going to enjoy the undercover assignment I've got planned for you."

* * *

It's the following Monday night. It's late and everything is very dark when Ashley stops by the Tack Estate. She raps on the door and tries to get a look in the window. "Cole?" she says. A sleepy Cole comes to the door. "Ashley! Hi, I didn't expect you tonight." "Oh," Ashley says, mildly discouraged. Then she holds up a couple bottles of perfume. "What's this?" he asks. "Just wanted to get my two scents in on the latest draft of your book," she says with a giggle. He groans. "Sorry," she says. "It's a common joke in the industry--but I thought you might not have heard it." Cole shakes his head. "That's almost as bad as that quote from you we put on the back cover of my book." Ashley says, "Oh, where I said `i was happy to find a book written by a man about women that didn't stink'?" Cole nods.

"Wait a minute," Ashley says to Cole. "You used that on the book? Your book is published already?" "Well, Ashley, don't you remember when you came by the other night I mentioned I had 50 best-sellers?" Ashley nods. "Of course, I do, Cole. Everyone knows you're one of the world's foremost novelists." "Well, I've only been writing for about two years, you knew that right?" "Uh huh," she says. "So... can you do the math?" Ashley thinks for a moment and then says "Uh oh." Cole nods and confirms it for her: "That means a new book every two weeks. The book about you is already on the newstands and I'm on to the next one." "And it's not about me, is it?" she asks, scrunching up her nose in dismay. "Nope--I'm afraid not." A woman's voice calls from inside, "Cole? Is everything ok?" Cole calls back, "It's fine. I'll just be another minute." Ashley peers in the window. "That looks like Sharon Collins' mother Doris!" she says. Cole blushes. "Well, I'm doing a book about a woman who overcomes a handicap caused by a car accident and becomes a famous lawyer..." [Author's note: See episodes 32, 37, and 38 for more on Doris as a lawyer.]

"Well," huffs Ashley. "I guess I don't have to stand around here to find out how this ends up. I'll just read about it in the bookstore next week!" Ashley walks offstage and then returns a few moments later. Cole asks, "What was that all about?" "Just making sure the stuff about our night of passionate sex got properly erased." "What night of passionate sex?" Cole asks. Ashley gets a sudden look of understanding on her face. "Oh, now I understand why he said he wouldn't have to erase anything." She shakes her head and mutters "Men!" as she storms off.

* * *

Nina follows Ryan to Jabot and stands hiding behind a planter as she sees him stop at a table where Victoria is already eating lunch. "Hi, Stranger," Victoria says. "Hi, Vikki, I thought you were gone to Europe for 6 months," he says. "Well, I was, but I came back for a brief visit," she explains. "Mind if I sit down?" Ryan asks. "Well, I don't know. Aren't you a Vice President now? Don't you have to sit with the Vice Presidents?" Victoria teases. "I'm slumming it today--do you mind?" he asks. "No, go ahead," she says as he starts to sit. Then she asks, "So what's up with you and Nina?" "I guess you've heard the office gossip?" "That you're hot for someone who's practically jail bait? That you've abandoned your son and are separated from your wife? No, not really--I mostly don't keep up on office gossip," she says. "Well, your gossip is a little sensationalized--but I'm supposed to be spending this month trying to reconcile..." "Supposed to be?" "Well, we're not having an easy time of it. And Nina has been doing all sorts of mean things to Trish..." "Trish? Trish Dennison? That's the young girl you're after?" "Woman--she IS 21. But yeah, that's her." "Wow, when I backed off you really got desperate, didn't you?" "It isn't like that, Vikki." "Oh, Ryan, come on--we used to be married. I know your drives. I know what you're about." "Listen, Vikki, about those drives. Things aren't going so well with my wife, but I don't want to get Trisha's hopes up, and I was wondering if you and I could--"

Vikki laughs. "Are you propositioning me, Ryan?" "Well, it's little more than you've done to me on other occasions." "Maybe not--but I'm afraid I really have to get back to Europe and can't spare the time to `rescue' you... Maybe Jill could help?" "Jill?" "Sure, she's been hot for you ever since forever--have you never noticed?" "But she's been working so hard to get me back with Nina..." "Are you kidding? Jill doesn't even like Nina. She probably just wants to make sure her conscience is clear before moving in for the kill. Trust me, Ryan. She's hot for you--go for it. I hear older women have lots of ... useful experience." Ryan smiles. "Ok, well, thanks for the idea--hey, what's up with your husband, anyway?" "My husband?" "Cole?" "Oh. Him. I don't really know... I'm staying in the Genoa City Hotel while the divorce goes through. I never did like the smell of that stable he lives in anyway. Too close to all those horses. But if you want to know what's up with him, I suppose you should just read his book-of-the-week..." Ryan nods. "I'm sorry for you, Vikki. Any idea when it'll all be over?" "Not in time for your... immediate needs," she giggles. "All that lawyer stuff is really dragging on." Ryan sighs. "Well, send me a postcard from Europe." "A dirty postcard? One of those statues of naked ladies in case you and Jill don't--" "Just a postcard. To let me know you're ok." "Thanks Ryan. You take care, too." They kiss.

In the hallway behind the plant, Nina sees the kiss between Ryan and Vikki, confirming her worst suspicions. Then, as Ryan starts to get up, Nina realizes she might be seen as he walks down the hall so she darts behind some file cabinets. "Ow!" says a voice as she bumps into someone. "Oh, sorry," Nina says, embarrassed. Then Nina realizes it's Trisha she's run into. "You! What are you doing here?" Nina asks. Trish is quick to reply: "Same as you--I wanted to see who he was eating with. I expected it was you." "And I thought--shhhh," Nina says, interrupting herself as Ryan approaches. When he has passed, she continues: "I thought it was you." Ryan has entered an elevator and the indicator above the door shows that it has gone to the 5th floor. Nina points to the indicator and says, "5th. He's going to see, Jill." "I guess he has to work sometime," Trish says. "Look at us," Nina says, coming out from behind the cabinets. "We're a pretty ridiculous pair, aren't we?" Trish emerges, too. "Yeah, I feel so guilty doing this stalking thing--especially after what those paparazzi did to Princess Di this weekend." Nina starts to tear up. "Oh, you had to mention that. I cried for hours about that." Trish, also starting to cry, pulls out a huge wad of Kleenex and shares them to Nina. "Me, too. And I kept wondering if one day I'd end up doing the same to Ryan if I kept following him around. I don't even know why I keep following him--he hasn't treated me that well lately." "Or me," Nina admits. They each take a moment to mop their tears. "Hey," says Nina. "Do you want to go get some coffee or something?" Trisha looks up at her. "Really? I'd love to, actually." she says, her eyes now soaked with tears but her face forcing a smile through it all.

Later, at Nina's house, Trish and Nina are sitting on the couch sipping coffee when Phillip enters from school. "Hi, Mom." "Phillip, this is Trisha." Phillip stops, stunned. "You're the one that Dad is... uh,..." Trisha nods. "Yeah, that's me. Except it's over between me and Ryan. Your mother and I have made a pact--neither of us is going to give him what he wants." "Cool!" Phillip says. "Dad's been acting really bad lately--he deserves to get left out in the cold for a while." Phillip thinks for a minute and then stands up straight and says, "How do you feel about younger men?" Trisha looks at him uncertainly. "How much younger?" "Well, like me." "Phillip!" Nina chides him, more surprised than angry. "That's pretty young." "Hey, no fair," Phillip says. "I bet there's less age difference between me and you than between dad and you." "Well," says Trisha, "that may be, but you're still a little young to be hitting the dating scene." Phillip looks sad for a moment, but you can tell he's still plotting. "Well, what about being my mom?" Nina looks indignant. "Phillip, you have a mom." "But it's very cool these days to have two moms. These are the 90's. She's a babe, Mom. Are you going to let her get away just because she's a woman? That'll leave her free for Dad..." Nina looks at Trish very tentatively with fresh eyes. Trish looks back, obviously slightly intrigued and says, "I am kind of tired of being mistreated by guys... it might be a good change for me." "Then she can stay? I can have a whole family again?" Phillip says, excited. Nina looks to Trisha for confirmation. Trisha says, "I'll have to ask my Dad." Nina looks surprised. "Ryan told me you were old enough to--" "Oh, I am. But I don't want to jeopardize my inheritance. You know..." Nina nods. "Oh yeah, do I ever. Ok. We'll be waiting to hear."

Trisha is with Megan, who has obviously been told. "Are you CRAZY, Trish? He is going to FLIP OUT! Dad will NEVER accept this." Keith enters and says, "Hey, what are my girls fighting about here. What am I not going to accept? I can be a pretty understanding guy." Megan crosses her arms and cocks her head slightly to the side, giving Trish the "ok, you're so smart, you tell him" look. Trish takes a breath and says, "Dad, I've found someone else and I just wanted to find out if you'd approve..." "Trisha, you know I trust you to make good judgments about character." "Yes, but you didn't think that about Ryan." "Well, Ryan, was an especially bad choice. Ok, I'll put it to you simply--is this new love of yours a married man?" Trish trades amused looks with Megan and then says, "No..." Megan is already upset because she knows she's lost on a technicality, but like a good sib, she doesn't say anything. "Then I approve," Keith says. "Oh, Daddy. You're the greatest," Trish says. Then she adds, "Well, I've got to get packed." Keith stops her. "Wait a minute. Love is one thing--moving in with a man is another--especially if you're not married." "Oh, don't worry, Daddy. I'm not doing that! I just need to get out of here and a girlfriend of mine said she'd take me in." Keith smiles. "That's my girl. Well, you have fun then and don't be a stranger..."

That's all for this episode. Hope you learned something. Don't miss Episode 62!
If you missed any older episodes, see the index.

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