Episode 32, originally published 01-Apr-97

April's Fools

Nina is at her house. The doorbell rings. "Cole," she says, surprised. "Nina, we have to talk," Cole says. "Cole, I don't want to do this any more," she says, but he pushes past her. "I just don't understand why you are being this way," he says. "Oh, yeah, right," she says. "The great writer--the man with so much insight into how people behave. You SLEPT with me and then you IGNORED me! I feel like I was chewed up and then spit out!" "I did WHAT?? Nina, we never slept together!" She stops and stares at him. "Of course we did. That night at the cabin? You don't remember?" They stare at each other, each unable to understand what has brought the other to this point.

"Hey, Joani, look at this," Phyllis says pointing to her Internet web browser. "It says here that that comet might have a UFO behind it that could take us to Another World." Joani looks over her shoulder. "I dunno, Mrs. Romalatti. Doesn't that sound just a little implausible?" Phyllis shrugs. "Joani! I don't question your religious views, please don't question mine! This comet could be my Guiding Light to fame and fortune. The Bell takes its toll, you know." "I think the expression is `The bell tolls,'" Joani corrects her. "Whatever. The point is I can't just sit here As The World Turns. These are the Days of Our Lives and mine are being frittered away around here.... I'm young, I'm restless, but in this town, I'm going nowhere." "So where will you go?" "Out West. To the Pacific somewhere. I'll take a ride on that UFO and then--oh, Joani, then I'll be a star!" She races around muttering, "Money, ... passport, ... ok, I'm all set." She turns to Joani again. "Take care of Little Daniel... and big Danny, too, if he seems to need it." And with that, she is gone. (But they say, if you look reeeaaallllly closely, you can just barely make her out among the bright light of the other night time stars. She isn't really dead, you know--she's just "moved on" to a higher level.)

Cole says, "Come on, Nina, snap out of it. I don't know what's going on between you and your husband to make you to make you flip out this way, but we did NOT sleep together." "I'm NOT imagining it Cole. You took ADVANTAGE of me. And now that I'm no longer on your list of women to be conquered, you think you can just ignore the fact that it ever happened." "Earth to Nina. Have you been listening to anything I'm saying," he asks. Then suddenly, in a fit of utter frustration, he drops his trousers. "Don't look away, Nina. Look this way. Take a good long look, Nina. Does this LOOK familiar to you?" Nina starts to respond, but just then Ryan comes in the door.

Nick is in the intensive infant-care unit. As he watches, and to his horror, his son flatlines. "What does that mean? What does that mean?" he says to a nearby doctor, apparently trying to distract him from saving his son. "It means your baby is dead if you don't shut up, now get out of here." Nick continues out into the hall where he sees Nikki and Victor. "Mom, it's awful. My baby is dead." "You're sure?" Nikki asks. He nods vigorously. "Yes, Mom, I'm sure. The doctor told me my baby was dead if I didn't shut up, and here I am talking, so the baby MUST be dead!" "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry for you," says Nikki sadly. Victor says, "Well, I'll be damned." "Victor!" Nikki squeals. "Don't talk about being damned like that..." "It's ok, Mom. We had little Noah baptized so he wouldn't have to worry about that," Nick explains.

"What in the HELL is going on here?" Ryan asks self-righteously. "Ryan! It's not like it looks," Nina says awkwardly. Ryan looks to see what it looks like before assessing her statement. "Cole was just expressing his frustration over--" "He doesn't look very frustrated to me. It looks to me like a very open conversation." "Look, Ry, your wife and I were just having a rap session like you asked me to, and--" "Yeah, right," Ryan mutters. "Another minute and you'd have been wrapped in each other, I'm sure of that. And I suppose you expect me to believe this is the first time?" "No," says Nina. "Yes," says Cole. Then, as each think about the significance of their response, they change it. "Yes." "No." "Oh, forget this, I'm going to find a lawyer," Ryan says. "Ryan, wait!" Nina pleads... but she is too late.

Back in the operating room, the action is not over. Doctors enter and hurry about busily. A man in a business suit enters and pulls Joshua off to the side. "Are you in charge here?" he asks. "Yes, I am," says Joshua. "So you issued the code green?" Joshua nods. "OK, what's the emergency?" Joshua explains, "Look, I don't like this Newman guy one bit--he's always putting the moves on my wife. But he is LOADED. We can't let his grandson die. The hospital could lose lots of funding!" "Now I understand the Code Green. And if we were to effect a miraculous recovery,..." he trails off but Joshua nods. "Big thanks. Big donations." "Ok, you have Carte Blanche. So what's your plan? From here it looks hopeless." "I suggest we substitute another child. I've been studying the nursery in case of such a contingency and I've got one picked out whose parents don't have any money." "And this will work? There are a lot of records that will have to be ... managed." "Trust me. I've got a lot of experience with tricky records management--I know who to ask, and I've never had any problems. Besides, the parents can hardly see their kids in those contraptions, so it's not like there's been much bonding." "Do it." the man says.

Ryan enters the Law Offices of Collins and Sons. "I'm Ryan McNeil. I called from my car phone on the way over," he says to the receptionist. "I'm here about a divorce..." The receptionist, played by Jill Whelan (Vicky from "Love Boat"), nods. "Yes, I remember. Fortunately, there's been a cancellation. You can go right in." Ryan heads into the office. Doris Collins sits behind the desk. "Ryan McNeil, isn't it?" she asks. Ryan nods. "Have we met?" "I believe so. My daughter is Sharon Collins Newman--she's married to Nicholas Newman. I think we've been to some of the same pool parties." "Your daughter... the sign said Collins and sons...." Doris laughs. "Well, I have no sons, but then--I have no one else working here either. So the name seemed appropriate. It's a small operation. I just finished my degree in law and I thought a name like that would make me sound a little more established." "Well, established or not, can you handle my case? I'm a bit at a loss--our family lawyer, John Silva, will be representing Nina in the divorce so I've got to have someone." "Absolutely, Ryan. And on a contingency basis, so it'll cost you nothing up front. I get a third of whatever you settle for." "Sounds fair to me," Ryan says. Then he adds, "If you get me what I deserve out of this, you should be able to hire all the sons you want!"

Nick and Sharon are in street clothes with Victor and Nikki, leaving the hospital tearily when they hear a familiar voice. "Nick!" Nikki turns and glares at Joshua. "What more could you possibly have to say to us?" she says, practically spitting venom and seemingly ignoring the fact that she is married to him. "Just that your little baby is ok--everything's going to be ok!" "Oh, I could kiss you!" Nikki says. But she kisses Victor instead. Everyone hugs except Joshua, who stands aside looking partly irritated, but whose eyes betray just the slightest glee in the knowledge that their joy is based in a total fabrication he himself has helped to engineer.

Nina swoops into John Silva's office like a tornado, almost whisking the papers from his desk as she moves. "He's gone to his lawyer, John. What can I do?" "You could serve him first," John says. "No, I don't want to divorce him at all." "Well, if he moves ahead, there may not be a lot more we can do." "John! If I lose Ryan I'll be all alone in the world." "What about Cole?" She bristles, "Don't you start!" "Ok. What about your friend Cricket, can't she help you through?" "She's really starting to bug me-- coming in without knocking, preaching all the time, ... I'm better off without her if I can figure out how to arrange it." "You could start by asking for her key back," John suggests. "How did you know she has a key?" "Nina, the word is that everyone you know has a key. Lately I've been feeling a little sad that you don't trust me with one." She unconsciously fumbles around in her purse until she finds one and hands it to him. "Oh, John, I'm sorry about that. I just had too few made. Now, what other options do I have if Ryan serves me with divorce papers?" John thinks for a moment. "Breakfast?" "Breakfast? How does that help me?" John says, "It doesn't help you--it helps us. Don't you remember we used to date and you wanted to break up because you were always afraid you didn't know anything about the world, or anything to talk about? Now you're a college graduate, an aspiring writer. We could have something really good." "But why breakfast?" "Because I'll need tonight to prepare your divorce." "But I hate getting up in the morning." "So don't get up," he says--I'll let myself in. He winks at her, holding up the key.

"Oh, Nick," Sharon says to Nick as he waits for her to chat with the nurse at the baby's incubator. "The nurse just told me that not only is my baby better, but also finally well enough for me to hold!" "That's great!" Nick says. "Come to mama," we hear Sharon whispering to the baby. "Oh, your little diaper's wet... I'll have to change you..." The nurse points her to a changing table nearby and she goes to work. As she does we hear, "Nick!" Nick gets an immediate panic and exclaims, "What is it? What is it!?" "Didn't they tell us our baby was a boy? This baby is a girl! What are we going to do??" Nick says "Hmmmm," and pauses to think. Finally he says, "I guess we'll just have to call her Noel."

That's all for this episode. Hope you learned something. Don't miss Episode 33!
If you missed any older episodes, see the index.

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