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Date: 17 Jan 1998 16:47:28 -0500
From: pitman@anotherwayout.com (Kent M Pitman)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.soaps.cbs
Subject: Y&R: AWO#81: "Nuts and Bolts"
Message-ID: <sfw67nisrgv.fsf@world.std.com>
INSIDE... * Does Cricket really have her case bolted down solid?
* If Danny loses, will he be left with nuttin'?
* If Phyllis bolts with Little Daniel, will Michael go nuts?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ANOTHER WAY OUT, Episode 81, 17-Jan-98 by Kent Pitman (kmp@harlequin.com)
"Nuts and Bolts"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Phyllis is on the stand testifying about the manuscript. Cricket is
cross-examining. "So, Mrs. Romalotti, it's your testimony that you've never
seen this document before, is that correct?" "It is. The first time I saw it
was--" She glances uneasily at Michael, but he nods confidently for her to
continue. "--was when you stole it and brought it to this court." Michael
smiles and nods as Cricket predictably stands and says, "Objection!" The
judge looks to her, "On what grounds, Counsellor?" "We didn't STEAL it."
Michael says, "You want her to say `allegedly stole'?" "No, I don't want her
to say anything with the word `stole' in it," Cricket says. "Well," volunteers
Phyllis, "we can't always have what we want." As she finishes, as if cued by
Phyllis' remark, two men in FBI jackets stand and approach the bench. As they
do, another two stand bearing rifles to block the door.
"Your Honor, we're here from New York with arrest orders for Danny Romalotti
and Christine Williams," says one of the agents. He presents a pile of
documents to the judge. The judge looks it over mumbling, "conspiracy to
interfere with the US mail, ... grand theft, ..." "Grand theft?" Cricket
interjects with surprise. Michael smiles and responds, "I believe it was your
witness, Mr. Houserman, who established the market price of the stolen item as
$50,000." "I move to have that testimony stricken!" Cricket says. The
judge, engrossed in the arrest document, waves for them to be quiet--as one
would bat away a pair of buzzing mosquitos. Suddenly he looks straight at
Danny and says, "Assault and battery?" Danny smiles sheepishly and shrugs.
"What can I say, your honor? Everything I do I do with zeal. Which is why
you should allow me to raise this precious little boy. I--" The judge shakes
his head sadly as Cricket mashes her foot into Danny's foot and whispers to
him, "You're not helping." The judge continues, "Mr. Romalotti, I can't
believe your team went and blew it like this just to obtain a document I'm
ready to rule as inadmissible anyway." Phyllis volunteers, "Oh, you can
believe it, Your Honor. Danny talks a goodie-two-shoes kind of story, but
whenever that damned Bug gets involved--" Michael is coughing loudly and she
stops. Michael glares at her to be silent. "So you're arguing that Danny is
simply a victim of ineffective counsel, Mrs. Romalotti?" "No, sir," Phyllis
says quietly. Then she adds quickly, "My remark was out of place," she says
demurely. "I'm sure Mrs. Williams is a fine attorney who has competently
represented my ex-husband." Michael nods prominently and then stops to wipe
sweat from his brow.
The judge says, "Very well, then. We're left at an interesting point. Mr.
Romalotti has alleged danger on the part of Mrs. Romalotti, but has failed to
demonstrate that she has been anything other than, perhaps, extraordinarily
protective of her son. On the other hand, Mr. Romalotti stands accused--"
"And guilty," Phyllis mutters. "--stands accused," the judge repeats, "of
some very severe crimes. I could stay this court case until the outcome of
Mr. Romalotti's case, but to what point? Mr. Romalotti is not the biological
father. Mr. Romalotti has never been the primary caregiver. Mr. Romalotti
is either about to be faced with several years in prison, or perhaps he'll
find himself running in and out to concerts instead. I don't see a stable
environment with Mr. Romalotti, and so I might as well rule now." "Your
honor, wait!" Cricket says. The judge looks to her. "It's not as bleak as
it looks for my client. As soon as possible after this trial is over, I plan
to leave my husband and marry Mr. Romalotti. So you see, Your Honor, that
precious little boy will have a proper home and environment to grow up."
The scene dissolves. Christine is in bed with Paul. Paul is shaking her.
"Chris? Wake up, Chris. It's just a bad dream..." "No," she says, "I won't
be arrested. I can't be--" Paul wraps his arms around her. "It's ok, Chris.
You're with me. Do you want to talk about it?" Cricket takes a deep breath
and says, "Paul, dreamt I lost the case and I was about to be arrested for
grand theft." "Grand theft?" "Yes, for stealing the manuscript. I
established its value at $50,000." "Oh, that's right!" Paul says, "Is there
anything you can do?" "Well, maybe I can make a deal with the other side."
"A deal?" "To have the manuscript withdrawn as evidence, in exchange for
their not pressing charges." "Won't that leave you with nothing?" "Well,
Paul, it's either that or spend years in jail. Michael Baldwin's too good a
lawyer not to think of this." The phone rings and she picks it up. "Hello?"
she says. "It's Michael Baldwin," says a voice at the other end. "Michael,"
she says, "what do you want?" "What do you THINK I want?" he asks. "I'm
afraid I don't know what you're talking about," Cricket says, pretending not
to know. "Cut the crap, Christine. You know the ploy because you and I
have used it together in the past and you were too good a student to forget
it. Now do you ask the judge to drop the evidence, or do I--" "Never mind,
Michael, I know the drill. I'll do it." "No tricks," he says cautiously.
"You have my word," she says sadly. Then she hangs up. "Cheer up, Chris,"
Paul says. "Whatever happens with the trial, we still have each other."
Cricket forces a smile. "Right..."
Later, when court has reconvened, Michael looks expectantly to Christine to
make her motion to suppress the document, but she doesn't. Instead, she
begins her cross-examination of Phyllis about the manuscript. "Now, Mrs.
Romalotti, you claim you have never seen this manuscript before, is that
right?" "That's right, not until you and my husband STOLE it from its
rightful owner in New York." Cricket glares at her and then at Michael, who
is toying with a pair of handcuffs. "Your honor!" Cricket whines suddenly,
"Mr. Baldwin is trying to sexually harrass me again!" Michael stands and
says, "Your honor, these handcuffs are not something I would call a sexual
playtoy--though I can't speak for opposing counsel. These are instruments of
LAWFUL ARREST." The judge looks irritated. "Mr. Baldwin, I don't see anyone
being arrested here, so perhaps you could put the handcuffs out of sight, and
perhaps you, Mrs. Williams, could proceed with your questioning." "I'm sorry,
your honor," Cricket says.
"As I was saying, Mrs. Romalotti, it is your testimony that you had not seen
this document before last night AND YET how do you account for this remark
about sticking a corkscrew through your heart--it appears both in the
manuscript AND in your testimony, days ago." Phyllis looks uncomfortable, but
finally says, "Well, Sasha used to always hang out with me--and she always did
seem to steal my very best expressions..." Cricket looks disappointed, but is
not daunted. "And what about this remark here? About Brian not wanting to be
"tagged" as the husband?" "That's DNA Lab speak. It refers to genetic
tagging. Everyone at DMS used to use that term." "Oh," says Cricket, a bit
disappointed. "Well, I'm sure there are other coincidences in here, just let
me--" Phyllis shifts nervously in her seat. "Your honor, I'd like to, uh,--"
Michael coughs loudly and she stops to look at him. He shakes his head at her
while passing a note to Patrick Baker. Baker rises and says "Your Honor, we
object to the suggestion that these coincidences of wording are significant."
"On what grounds, Counsellor?" the Judge asks. "Well, on the grounds
that--well, it's a fundamental property of the universe that all people use
the same phrases." The judge looks at Baker skeptically, "That's quite a
claim. Are you prepared to back it up?" "I am, your honor--if I might just
call one witness." "Very well, call your witness." Baker smiles and says,
"I call Christine Williams."
As she takes the stand, Cricket is visibly furious. Baker turns to the judge
and says, "She looks a bit hostile, your honor. Can I ask right away for
permission to lead so I don't have to interrupt about that later?" The judge
nods, "It's your show, Mr. Baker." "Thank you." He turns to Christine.
"Now, Mrs. Williams, you've made the claim that the something mystical can be
inferred from coincidences of wording. Is that right?" "I have. I don't
think many of the phrases like Mrs. Romalotti uses are very common, so when I
see them also in the manuscript--a manuscript she says she's never seen--I
have to assume she's crossed the line." "Crossed the line? What exactly does
that mean?" "It's just an expression." "Yes, I'm sure it is. Now, you say
Mrs. Romalotti is a danger to the child?" "I think so." "And, in your
opinion, if we left this child alone with the mother right now--what bad thing
would happen?" "At this point? I think she'd bolt." "Bolt?" "Yes, bolt."
"Odd turn of phrase, don't you think?" "Not really. I'm sure your co-counsel
finds a lot of reason to use it, hanging around Phyllis all the time." "Would
it surprise you to learn that my co-counsel has never used that word?" "He
hasn't?" Cricket says, suddenly confused. "I was so sure he had." "No,
never."
Patrick retrieves a looseleaf notebook from his desk. "Have you seen this?"
he asks. "Where did you get that?" she responds nervously. "I'll ask the
questions here. Are you familiar with this document?" "It's tomorrow's
script." "And you've read it, haven't you?" "Well, Daddy just left it laying
out on the breakfast table, and I--your honor, am I permitted to object?" "On
what grounds?" the judge asks. "He's ad libbing, Your Honor." "I'm afraid I
don't know how to respond," the Judge says. "That's because it's not in the
script, Your Honor," Cricket whines unhappily. "Script?" "I believe she
means this document, your honor," Baker says holding up the notebook. "And I
believe it's `adding lib' not `ad libbing'," Michael chimes in. The judge
stares at them blankly. "Your Honor, you're not going to let him get away
with this, are you? He's putting the whole system on trial!" "I'm afraid
it's necessary, Your Honor," Patrick says. "Well, move along and make your
point then," says the Judge, improvising a bit of his own dialog and becoming
quite fascinated by the diversion.
Patrick opens the book to a marked page. "I refer you to this scene
here--between Michael Baldwin and Phyllis Romalotti. It comes while we're all
waiting for the verdict. Would you read, please?" Cricket looks
uncomfortable but reads anyway, "It says, `Michael (angrily): Phyllis, you
were about to bolt, weren't you?'" "That's enough," Patrick says. "So what's
your point?" Cricket asks. "There's that odd little phrase again--bolt."
"So? It doesn't mean anything." "But it does mean something when my client
uses the word "tagged"?" "That's different. All you've proven is that the
show uses a scriptwriter who sometimes shares terminology between characters."
"Ah! Just so. And so my client is just a victim of that scriptwriting, is
she not?" "Well, I guess she could be." "But moreover, this entire event is
scripted, is it not?" There is silence. "I didn't hear any response,"
Patrick says. The judge, becoming excited by his own ability to recycle
cliche dialog, says "The witness is directed to respond." "Yes, yes, YES! Ok,
I admit it. This entire event is scripted--or it was until Michael Baldwin
stepped in. I should have known to disregard those little platitudes he kept
whispering to Phyllis about sticking to the script. I figured if she stuck to
the script, I'd have nothing to worry about. But he played me for a fool, and
then he crossed the line." She collapses and sobs. The judge says to
Patrick, "I guess you've made your point, Counsellor. The witness may step
down. And I'm guessing that since we've deviated this far from the script,
our closing arguments aren't going to work any more, is that right?" He looks
around and gets nods from both sides. "Very well, court is adjourned while I
consider the evidence and try to decide whether the verdict I was supposed to
reach still makes sense." He bangs his gavel.
After banging loudly on the door for a while, Michael is finally admitted to
Phyllis' apartment by a robed Phyllis. "Phyllis, what's going on?" "Nothing,
I was just taking a bath." "A bath? Come on, it's me, Michael..." He rips
the robe from her and sees that she is wearing clothes underneath. "Aha!" he
says, "Phyllis, you were about to bolt, weren't you?" She blushes and points
to a suitcase in the corner. "Well, it's a good thing I got here in time."
"Why's that?" "Well, first of all, I think we've made mincemeat of the
manuscript and we're almost sure to win..." "But they're not going to
jail--we agreed not to prosecute and they didn't keep their part of the
bargain. The judge could still award custody to Danny." "Well, he could...
but I've taken care of that." "You have?" "What did you do?" "Well, I
called up Cricket and Paul and told them I thought you were going to bolt. I
told them to get over here right away." "You WHAT!?? You sold me out?"
"Well, not completely. I also hired some people--a woman and a child--to get
heavily dressed up in clumsy disguises and to drive from here to the airport
to get a plane trip to Brazil." "And you think they'll be dumb enough to..."
"Let's turn on the news and see, shall we?" he says. He grabs the remote
control and snaps on the TV.
A woman at an anchor desk is saying, "... and in local news, well known rock
star Danny Romalotti is under arrest at this hour for trying to kidnap a young
child at the airport. The mother of the little boy says she hopes this kind
of thing won't happen again and she will definitely press charges. This comes
in the wake of the well-publicized custody trial of Little Daniel Romalotti.
A side note--his lawyer, Mrs. Paul Williams, was driving the getaway car. She
has also been arrested, for conspiracy to kidnap. We take you now to KGC 5's
legal commentator Doris Collins, who's been following the trial..." The scene
switches to a different desk where Doris sits comfortably. "Thanks, Jean.
Well, those of you who've been following the trial with me know that it's been
a real rollercoaster of a last few days. First there were unconfirmed reports
that the manuscript was to be removed from evidence to keep Danny out of
prison for Grand Theft and Assault and Battery. Strangely, nothing happened
with that and it seemed that Danny had gained the upper hand. Then, in a bold
move, Patrick Baker placed the whole system on trial and the Judge was left to
ponder the philosophical consequences of an entirely scripted case. And
now--well, one can only speculate what was in Danny's mind that would lead him
to do this. I assume it must be the certain realization that he was going to
lose That Precious Little Boy of his that drove him to this desperate action."
"I thought they just said it was that damned Bug that drove him to it,"
Phyllis chuckles. Michael snaps off the TV.
"Well, all's well that ends well," Michael says. "Is that really in the
script?" Phyllis asks. "Yep, that was the end of the scene," he replies
handing her a notebook. She pulls out a red pen and scribbles in the book.
Suddenly Joani enters with Little Daniel and says, "I'm taking Little Daniel
for the evening so you two can be alone. And there's champagne chilling in
the fridge. Good night!" Before they can respond, the phone rings. Phyllis
picks it up and says "Hello? ... Yes ... Thank you." Then she hangs up again
and says, "That was the judge. He's going to rule in our favor, but he'll
wait until the morning to announce it so that we have a nice night's--uh,--
sleep." Michael just stares at her. "None of that was in the script."
"Well, it is now," Phyllis says. "Now stop adding lib and attack me so we can
get this show back on track and finish with a really explosive ending..."
"Won't that involve crossing the line?" "It might, but now that Joani's out
with that precious little boy of mine, it's safe." "Safe?" "For you to make
me a woman in every way." "You really wrote all this dialog?" "I did." "Wow!
You'll never know just how impressed I am. I feel like taking your script
revisions back to the studio and writing a report." "A report?" "And sending
it to mimeo so that everyone can have a copy." "Report? Mimeo?? Michael, NO
ONE talks like that any more." "Sorry, I was just trying to pretend I was a
writer, too." "I've got a better idea," she says. She hands him a vinyl
record. "What's this?" "It's a Carpenter's record. Pretend you're a sound
man and play Bless The Beasts." He lays it on the turntable and struggles to
set the needle. "What's taking so long?" She asks. "Patience," he says,
"I'm trying to start at the beginning of a track." She walks over and tosses
the needle onto the record. It bounces once and picks up in the middle of the
song. "If you want to be a techie, you're going to have to learn to be less
precise, Michael." Finally he jumps her, kicking the record player into a
completely unrelated song as he does. "Excellent, Michael. Excellent," she
says. "You're showing real promise."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright 1997 Kent M. Pitman. All Rights Reserved.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Another Way Out" takes plotline state at time of publication and shows that
there are interesting places right around the corner. The goal, besides
having some fun with good-natured parody, is to challenge the notion that we
must be mired in certain tired plotlines for months just to have a good time.
There is always another way out...
Archives of this and older episodes of "Another Way Out"
as well as the more serious "morals" that underly them,
can be found at: http://world.std.com/~pitman/awo/index.html
Don't forget to try the "character index" and "ratings index"!