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Date: 14 Aug 1998 12:46:28 -0400
From: pitman@anotherwayout.com (Kent M Pitman)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.soaps.cbs
Subject: Y&R: AWO#106: "Witless for the Prosecution"
Message-ID: <sfwogtntst7.fsf@world.std.com>
INSIDE... * Will Tracy's excuse for missing Cole's wedding be too far out?
* If Nikki attends Cole's wedding, will she be properly restrained?
* Will Nick accept a gift he is offered with grace?
* Will Cole latch onto Saronica's plot?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ANOTHER WAY OUT, Episode 106, 14-Aug-98 by Kent Pitman (kmp@harlequin.com)
"Witless for the Prosecution"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's Cole and Ashley's wedding. The ceremony has not yet begun. Malcolm's
real camera is apparently broken--he is walking back and forth taking pictures
with a cheap instamatic as various people enter.
Nikki and Victor enter, and approach Cole. "Victor," Cole says. "I didn't
expect to see you here." "No, Cole, I'm sure you didn't," Victor says.
"Don't you think it's just a little tacky--what with your relationship to my
new wife?" "Cole," Victor says, "I'll tell you what is tacky--you continuing
to live on the ranch after divorcing my daughter." "Well, Victor," Cole says,
"I guess that's why they call my residence the Tack House." "Be that as it
may," Nikki says, "I still don't understand why you couldn't do the polite
thing and move out." "It just wasn't convenient, Nikki. I'm really quite
installed there--my computer's all set up, and my printer." Saronica walks
up. "Cole," she says, "you don't have a printer." "I don't?" he asks. "But
what about all those pages that are crumpled up in my room?" "I checked," she
says. "They're all blank. Not only that, but your computer is a lap-top
portable." "So?" he asks. "That means it can be easily picked up and moved,"
Saronica says. "It does?" Cole asks. "That's incredible--just incredible.
Well, it just tells me I've picked the right person to be my research
assistant. I just never know what kind of incredible facts you're going to
dig up. Uh, excuse me--I think I see someone I have to say `hello' to."
Cole moves to Steve and says, "Hey, Steve! How's my favorite publisher?" he
asks. Steve shakes his hand. "Hello, Cole." "Hey, where's Tracy?" Steve
looks at his watch. "Probably putting on weight," he says. Cole points to
the watch and says, "Getting to be a regular thing, huh? Gotta tell her to
lay off the Doritos. I had a writing assistant who--" Steve stops him.
"Easy, Cole. She's just researching her next book." "Her next book? She's
writing a book about food?" "No, about Jupiter. I said she was putting on
weight, not mass. She hitched a ride on the Gailieo spacecraft which is just
passing Jupiter--it has quite a gravitational pull, you know. Any of us would
be a lot heavier there." "Really?" Cole says. "A book about outer space.
That's incredible. Just incredible." Steve nods. "I tried to contact her
about this wedding, but you know how it is--once you're in the gravitational
pull of a planetary gas giant, it's hard to escape. And, of course, it takes
45 light minutes just to get messages back and forth. That makes
communicating very difficult." Cole doesn't have a clue what he's talking
about, but replies anyway. "That's just incredible Steve. So what you're
saying is that your wife has both her light minutes and her heavy minutes,
huh? Maybe you should get her a job advertising feminine hygiene products
when she gets back..."
"Say," Cole says, "Tracy didn't take little Colleen with her on her trip to
Jupiter, did she?" "Actually, she did," Steve explains. Cole sighs
understandingly. "That's a bummer, Steve. Missing her all this time. Kids
grow up so quick you know." Steve smiles. "Well, fortunately, that's one of
the good things about space travel. Kids grow up slower when traveling at
rocket speeds." "No kidding?" Cole says. "Hey, they don't have a sort of
inverse space I could send my ex-wife to, do they?" Steve, who doesn't know
about Victoria's pregnancy, gives him a blank look. "Ah, nevermind," Cole
says cryptically. "There's always Switzerland. Hey, and speaking of trying
to hurry things up, did I tell you about my idea for my next book?" "No, you
didn't. What's it about?" "Well, first," Cole explains, "let me just warn
you that this idea is incredible. Just incredible."
Cole points Steve at Miguel and Saronica, who are just sitting down nearby.
"Look, it's Miguel with my new research assistant, Veronica. She's
incredible. And she appeared at such a perfect time--you see, my new book is
a fictionalized account of how this maid, Sarah, shot Nikki and then
mysteriously disappeared right afterward. But fortunately for me, Veronica
here appeared out of nowhere at just that exact same time and is going to help
me track down what happened with Sarah. I think it's going to work out well,
because Sarah's exactly the same height and weight as Sarah. And her facial
bone structure is the same as Sarah's. And her voice is just like Sarah's.
And she even has a little limp--just like Sarah. Not only that, but the
police say she and Sarah share the same fingerprints. Is that incredible or
what? I'm hoping that somehow the coincidence of her being in every way just
like Sarah will help her to give me some insight into what this mysterious
maid was like and why she would vanish so suddenly without a single trace."
Steve nods. "Sounds like this one's really going to tax the limits of your
imagination," he says.
* * * HALF TIME * * *
Later, at the reception, Miguel is chatting with Saronica. "Honey, why is it
so hard for you to think of marrying me?" he asks. "Is it because of
something to do with your first husband?" "My first husband is dead!" she
snaps. "I killed him. With a gun. Because he was having an affair." Miguel
is quite taken aback. Saronica herself takes a while to realize what she's
said. At first she just looks embarrassed. Then finally she volunteers. "Did
I say kill? I meant--he's dead to me." "But you said you killed him," Miguel
notes. "Did I?" she asks. "Well, I meant I killed the relationship--by
filing the divorce papers." "But you said a gun," Miguel points out. "Uh, I
meant that when things went bad, I was out of there like a shot." "Ah," says
Miguel. "But you mentioned an affair?" "Yes, the night I left. A big
party--a grand affair--you know?" "Of course. The Newmans have affairs all
the time." "So I've heard," Saronica mutters.
Cole walks up. "Veronica, I couldn't help but overhear your discussion with
Miguel here about your first husband, and I got to thinking--this maid,
Sarah--maybe the reason she shot Nikki's husband was because he was having an
affair." "Excuse me, Cole," says Miguel, "but I don't think that makes much
sense--you see, there was no party planned for the evening of the murder."
Cole nods. "Good point, Miguel. Well, I'll keep working on it. I'm pretty
sure there's got to be a--what do you call it?" "A motive?" Saronica asks.
"Exactly!" says Cole. He turns to Miguel. "Is this woman incredible or
what?" "That's what I've been telling everyone," Miguel agrees.
"Nick," says Grace, as she finds him standing alone by the punch bowl. "Hey,
Grace. What's up?" "I brought you these tickets," Grace says. Nick reads
the label on them. "A reservation for two at the Honeymoon Suite at the Genoa
City Hotel for tomorrow night. What's this about?" "It's for you and
Sharon." "But it's for tomorrow night--we can't. Sharon's busy with Cassie--a
mother and daughter night at camp. You use them." "I can't--Tony's just been
promoted. He has a big meeting." "Too bad," Nick says. "It's a cool hotel.
My favorite, in fact." "Mine, too," Grace says. "Hey," she says coolly,
"maybe we should use them." "You and me?" "Sure, why not?" "I dunno," Nick
says. "Nick, it's just a hotel. You and I work together and we'll have to
take business trips together. If we can't stay in the same hotel together,
that's going to make things pretty complicated." "Yeah, I guess you're right.
But we're just going to talk about business all night, right?" Grace smiles.
"If that's what turns you on, Nick. Sure. I promise."
Cole pulls Saronica aside. "Look, Sarah--I mean Veronica--sorry about that.
I can't imagine why I got confused like that. Look, I've been thinking about
this book for a long time and I'm still pretty sure it needs something more.
Something to really cause it to take hold." "What ideas do you have so far?"
she asks. "Well, the maid Sarah--you know--the incredible one? She shoots
this fella Joshua, and his wife Nikki. We'll have to use other names of
course." "And--?" she asks. He gives her a blank look. "And what?" he asks.
"What other ideas do you have so far?" she asks. He continues to give her
that blank look. "Like other characters? plot?" she asks. "See, there ya
go," Cole says. "This is exactly the kind of thing I'm looking for. Ideas to
perk it up. Characters and plot. Lots of the best novels seem to have that
kind of thing, don't they? And I'll also need some other people in the story,
and things for them to do."
Saronica sighs and pushes off to the side to talk to the audience. "Can I do
this? Can I put up with this idiot for the months it will take him to write a
book?" She plays with her hands nervously and looks pensive for a moment.
"What am I TALKING about?" she says suddenly. "This guy can't write a book!
He'll need help--lots of help. From someone who knows what she's doing...
This could work out. I think this could work out."
"Hey," Cole says, yanking Saronica by the arm. "I need you over here." She
comes over to find him talking to Nikki again. "I was thinking--while I've
got the two of you here together, maybe we could talk about my book." "I
don't understand," says Saronica. "Well, for once I agree with Sarah--I mean,
Veronica," Nikki says. She turns to Saronica and says apologetically,
"Sorry." "That's ok," Saronica says. "People make that mistake all the time.
After all, we have the same fingerprints." "Just my point," says Cole. "So
why don't you play the part of Sarah? And Nikki, you can be yourself. Would
you mind laying down on the floor?" "What is this about?" Nikki asks. "Just
trying to get ideas for my book," Cole says. "I was hoping that maybe if I
set up the scene, I'd get some ideas about what to write." Nikki looks
uncertain, but lays on the floor. Others crowd around to watch. Cole grabs a
nearby rug and uses the cake knife to cut off a piece of it. "Hear, wear this
on your head," he says to Saronica. She looks nervous, but doesn't dare say
`no'.
As Saronica is starting to pull on the rug, Cole grabs some ketchup from a
nearby serving tray and drops it on Nikki's dress. "There," he says. Nikki
looks up and sees Saronica for who she is--Sarah. "It's her!" she shrieks.
"Who?" Cole says. "Sarah! It's Sarah. Veronica is Sarah!! She tried to kill
me." Cole shakes his head. "Nikki, this is just my research assistant,
Sarah--I mean--Veronica. (Sorry, Veronica.)" "It's her!" Nikki continues to
scream. "Get ahold of yourself, Sen~ora Newman," Miguel says, stepping
forward from the crowd. "Sarah--I mean Veronica (Sorry, honey)--is NOT Sarah!
She is the woman I love. And I will not permit you to malign her in this
way." Victor steps out of the crowd, putting a cell phone back into his
pocket. "Everyone just relax. The situation is under control. I have called
the appropriate authorities, and..." Just then, two men in white lab coats
arrive and fit Nikki with a straitjacket. "No, it's her! I'm telling you.
It's her!" Nikki says as she's carried off. "I'm sorry for this little
disturbance," Victor says. "Apparently, my wife has completely lost it. But
do not be concerned. As luck would have it, I have a spare wife. So
everything will be just fine, ahright? Now please just go back to whatever
you were doing."
Nick and Sharon walk up. "Cole, have you seen my sister?" Nick asks. "Vikki
is here?" Cole asks, slightly alarmed. "In the flesh," comes Victoria's
voice from behind him. He wheels around to see Victoria in a tight dress,
looking VERY pregnant. "Your little son-or-daughter and I just couldn't stay
away," Victoria said. "Well, he's mine now," says Ashley, joining in on the
posturing. "So I've heard," Victoria says. "Well, don't let me keep you. I
know you two were about to run off and make our little boy-or-girl a little
half-brother-or-half-sister." As you might expect, there is a pregnant pause.
"Victoria, really!" Sharon finally chides her. "Relax, Sharon," Victoria
says, "hassling these two is just how I get my kicks."
Victoria then walks over to Saronica and says, "Sarah, can I have a word with
you?" "Don't you mean Veronica?" Saronica asks. Victoria rolls her eyes.
"Yeah, right--like anyone can't tell you're the murderer," Vikki says.
Saronica looks quite worried. "Just chill, ok?" Vikki says. "I'm willing to
overlook your little error in judgment. I mean, I'm sorry to see Joshua gone,
but then again, it's a little creepy having a step-father who's also your
gynecologist, if you know what I mean. And Mom--well,--God only knows I've
wanted to shoot her a few times myself. You just saved me the trouble.
Anyway, I don't know why no one has figured this out, but I'm not going to
clue them in if you just do me one little favor." "Favor?" Saronica asks.
"I'll explain..." she says, starting to whisper something to her as we go
to commercial.
Back from commercial, Victoria says to Saronica, "Now you have to
hurry--they're going to be leaving soon." Saronica heads first to a table
where all the women have set their purses and starts digging around to find
her own. After a few moments, she seems satisfied about something and goes to
Cole, tugging him aside. "Can it wait?" Cole asks. "I'm about to go with my
new bride to a hotel to try to make a baby." "ANOTHER baby," says Victoria,
who's following along. Cole sighs. "You're making it pretty hard for me," he
says. "Am I?" Victoria says with an innocent smile. "I promise that's not my
intent--in fact, just the opposite." "I have a plot idea," Saronica says.
Cole's eyes light up. "If you'll excuse me," he says to Vikki, "this is
important." "Of course," Vikki says, well aware of what's up.
"So what is it?" Cole asks Saronica once they are off in a corner alone. "I
think I know who did it." "In the book?" he asks. "No, for real." "That's
incredible!" Cole says. "Who?" "I think it's Ashley." "Ashley? How could
that be? What would her--her--" "Motive?" "Right, her motive. What would
that be?" "I think she wanted to be the star of your book." "But she was
already the star of my book. Hope in a Bottle." "But you were done with
that. And she was old news. She had to stay in the news. So she killed
Joshua, and almost killed Nikki, just so she could attract you keep you
attracted to her." "So the book idea is hers and not mine? That's
incredible." "Yes, I know it seems that way," says Saronica. "But I bet if
you were to locate the murder weapon..." "That's easier said than done," Cole
says. "Maybe. But I noticed a gun in her purse just now. I think you should
have it tested."
Cole goes immediately to Ashley. "Can I borrow some lipstick?" he asks.
"Sure," she says, grabbing her purse from the table full of purses and opening
it. As she reaches inside, she looks up suddenly and says, "Hey, you don't
wear lipstick!" "And you don't normally carry a gun either," he notes.
"What's that gun in there?" he says loudly, pointing to the open purse.
Everyone crowds around to see.
"Don't touch that," says a man in uniform, stepping forward from the crowd.
"It looks like the murder weapon." "Well, well, if it isn't Carl Williams,"
says Victor. The man shakes his head. "Nope, I'm Jim Bradley. A security
guard at the Newman Ranch. I've been on the trail of the killer and I think
this new bride is her!" "Well, I'll be damned!" Victor says as Carl/Jim hauls
Ashley off in handcuffs. "It's not a good day for my ex-wives." Victor
mutters even more softly than usual.
"Too bad, Cole," Victoria says as the crowd dissipates. "I'll say," Cole
agrees wistfully. "We never even got to consummate the marriage." "Well,
maybe you should get the marriage anulled and come back to me. I could stop
in at your place and help you consummate it." "Well, I have to say, it sounds
incredible, but--wouldn't it be just a little tacky?" Cole asks. "Well," says
Victoria with a twinkle in her eye, "isn't that why they call it the Tack
House?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright 1998 Kent M. Pitman. All Rights Reserved.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Another Way Out" takes plotline state at time of publication and shows that
there are interesting places right around the corner. The goal, besides
having some fun with good-natured parody, is to challenge the notion that we
must be mired in certain tired plotlines for months just to have a good time.
There is always another way out...
Archives of this and older episodes of "Another Way Out"
as well as the more serious "morals" that underly them,
can be found at: http://world.std.com/~pitman/awo/index.html
Don't forget to try the "character index" and "ratings index"!