Episode 97, originally published 07-May-98

M is for...

Malcolm, the best of the studs.

Miguel, the king of all duds.

Main man Neil and Marketeer Jill, two stick-in-the-muds. [*]

Mystery Writer Cole, whose next book thuds.

Mrs. Landers, the star of these suds.

[*] Yeah, yeah, I know. But it didn't rhyme the other way, Buds.

"So what do you say, Veronica? May I help get you a job?" Miguel asks. "Do you really think you can?" Veronica asks. "Well, we're short-handed out at the ranch right now. It can't hurt to ask," Miguel says. "Ok, well, maybe you should ask first and..." "Why don't you come out to the ranch with me? You can stay in my quarters while I ask..." "I'd feel awkward about that, Miguel. Maybe I could check back with you later...?" "OK," he says. She pulls a napkin from the dispenser on the table and writes "203" on it. "That's my room number at the motel across the street. Call me if something comes up." He smiles and leans close and says, "May I kiss you for good luck?" She forces a cough and says, "Uh, Miguel. I think I'm starting to come down with a little bit of a cold. Maybe we'd better not." "Oh," he says. "Of course. Good idea. You're a very considerate woman, Veronica." She walks out of the diner.

Ryan is in Jill's office. "Here are those reports you asked for, Jill." Jill looks at the reports and says, "Ryan, these are the wrong reports. Look at this." She points to something on the cover. Ryan shakes his head. "I'm not surprised," he says. "Not surprised?" she asks. "I got them from Neil," Ryan explains. "You got the wrong reports from Neil and you're not surprised? What's going on here, Ryan? It's not like Neil to make mistakes." "Well, his mind has been elsewhere lately, and frankly it's got me pretty worried." "Worried?" Ryan nods. "Well, Ryan, you've obviously got something to share so come on, spill it," she says. Ryan sits down in the chair in front of her desk. "I dunno," he says. "Maybe it's just me being jealous." "Jealous?" Jill asks. "Neil is seeing Trisha? Ryan, did they have some sort of affair while you and Neil were rooming together?" Ryan shakes his head. "No, no, nothing like that. It's Neil and Vikki..."

At the hospital, Cricket is with Danny. "We found a donor!" the nurse says. "We have to take him to surgery right away." "Wait," says Christine. "I have to talk to him a minute." The nurse stands aside while Christine steps up and starts in on the usual "Oh, Danny. I love you. You're going to be all right. Hang in there. Just know I love you. Do you know how much you mean to me?" speech.

After Veronica leaves, Miguel notices a book wedged into the booth where she was sitting. He picks it up and looks at it. It is titled simply in ornate script "My Life" with "Veronica Landers" lettered in by hand underneath. He is immediately interested and starts to read. Just then Cole sits down at the booth. "Sr. Howard," Miguel says, startled. "Hey, Miguel. Catching up on some reading?" Miguel doesn't respond. He's gone back to the book. "Hey, Earth to Miguel!" Cole says. Ashley comes up behind Cole and jabs him in the side saying, "See what it's like to be ignored?" "Ignored?" Cole asks. "Yeah, like you were doing to me for the last hour while you stared at that woman Miguel was with." "She is quite beautiful, isn't she?" Miguel says with a grin. Ashley throws her head around in hopes of getting some attention. "Well, she isn't the only one in the world who's been called beautiful, Miguel. Right, Cole?" Ashley prompts. Cole looks at her blankly. "Huh?" Ashley sighs. "Oh, men," she says. Then she looks at her watch and says, "Oh no--I'm late for a meeting. Miguel? Can you give Cole a ride back out to the ranch?" Miguel nods. "Certainly. I was just about to go there myself." She smiles and rushes out.

Back in the hospital, Cricket is still telling Danny how much she loves him when suddenly his heart monitor goes to zero. The nurse and a team of doctors rushes in as Cricket yells, "What's happening?" An angry nurse says to him, "What's happening? You talked to him so long that his kidneys failed. We could have saved him if only we'd gotten him to surgery but--" A doctor steps up and says to Cricket, "I'm sorry, Ms. Williams. He's gone."

At the Newman ranch, Victor says to Nikki. "Now, don't you worry because this ranch is very secure. We have men all over watching the place." "But, I don't see anyone," Nikki says. "Well, just know that they are here and nothing could be so safe as this ranch, so just you relax."

"Neil is seeing Victoria?" Jill asks Ryan. Ryan nods. "Well, well, well," Jill says, pondering the various implications while Ryan fidgets. "You look pretty bothered, Ryan," Jill says. "Do you want to talk about it?" "I don't know what there is to say," Ryan says. "Except...?" Jill prods him. "Well, except he's not right for her. My god, the guy is still married and--" Jill nods. "But Neil and Drucilla never really seemed like a good pair to me." "They didn't to me either," Ryan says. "But that's just it--the thing that never seemed right with Neil and Dru was that Neil is too conservative." Jill nods. "And you think Victoria's too...?" "Too unwilling to be tied down," says Ryan, filling in the blank. "I mean--Neil's a great guy. He's smart, and handsome, and he's got a great career, but he wants a woman to stay home and raise his kids--Vikki will never do that. I mean, Neil and she are from different generations--he needs someone older--" "Older? Like me?" Jill asks. "Well, maybe not THAT old." (That wasn't the right thing to say.) "Ryan!" she squeals. "Oh, Jill, that didn't come out right at all. I mean, it's just--you and Keith..." "Well, Keith and I are on the rocks, as it turns out." "Well, maybe you should go after Neil then..." "Me? Ryan, did you not get that memo last week about the new Jabot sexual harassment policy?" "Oh, come on, Jill. Nobody reads those things. And it's not like it'd be the first time you'd hit on someone here at the office..." "Oh, great, now you're counting?" Jill says. "No, Jill, it's not that. I just mean--I'm sure Neil wouldn't mind a little attention and..." "Ok, ok. I get the idea. I'll think about it, ok?" "Thanks, Jill. I appreciate that." Ryan says, as he gets up and leaves. Jill sits at her desk thinking... and smiling.

"So what's got you so distracted, Miguel?" Cole asks. Miguel looks up. "Oh, sorry. It's just...uh,... something my new friend has written." "Written?" Cole says. "She's an author?" "Well, she--" Miguel starts to say. "What's it about?" Cole asks. "It looks like it's about the recent murder." "Hey, I was going to write about that. Maybe I could look this over--give your friend a few pointers." "Would you?" Miguel says excitedly. "I'm sure she would appreciate that. She's obviously too shy to mention she's been working on a book." "Well, I'll look it over while we drive to the ranch," Cole says. Miguel leaves money on the table and the two head for the car.

Nikki is in the kitchen wondering where Miguel is. "Miguel?? Grrr. Where is that man. It seems like we don't ever see him any more." She opens the refrigerator and sees a whole bunch of tex-mex takeout containers. She shakes her head and closes the fridge. Then she opens a cookie jar and looks inside. She screams. It is long and loud. "Shhhhh..." comes a voice from inside the cookie jar. She looks down inside again at the face of a man looking up at her. "I'm one of the guards that's watching out for your safety," the man says. "Well, you just about scared me to death!" Nikki says. "Sorry, I realize it's a little surprising to find me in here. I was supposed to be covered with cookies to make me less visible, but that Miguel guy hasn't been around to do any cooking." "Tell me about it," Nikki says, "that's why I'm looking for food now!" "Try the breadbox," the guy in the jar suggests. "Is there anyone stationed in there?" she asks cautiously. "Nah," he says. "There's just me. But it is one of my alternate stations," he says. She looks under the breadbox lid cautiously and then shrieks again. "I thought you said there was no one there," she chides him. "Well, there wasn't. It's just me. This whole counter is me. Have one of these breadsticks," he says, nudging his head to one side. "They're great and they don't seem to spoil." Nikki sighs and takes one. "I'm going to go now--thank you for watching over me." "No problem," he says.

In Neil's office, Victoria enters. "How about lunch?" she says. The phone rings. "Neil Winters," he says, picking it up. "It's Jill. Had lunch?" "Uh, no, but I--" "Good, because I'm starving. I'll be by in a few minutes and we can get something." She hangs up, with a sly smile on her face. Neil looks sadly to Victoria. "Something came up?" Victoria asks. Neil nods. "Raincheck?" she says. "You bet," Neil says. "How about dinner?" Victoria asks.

In the car on the way to the Newman Ranch, Cole is looking over the book. "Veronica Landers?" Cole mutters. "Isn't that the name of Dr. Landers' first wife?" Miguel asks. "Right you are, Miguel. And this is written in the first person--what did you say your friend's name was?" "Veronica." "Veronica what?" "She didn't say..." "Veronica Landers?" Cole says aloud, as if trying it on for size. "It seems unlikely. I think the Doctor's first wife is dead," Miguel says. "Right," says Cole. "But this woman's got a great idea for a plot here--that the wife isn't dead. Aha! I've got it." "Got what?" "I bet Veronica is not really her real name. She probably assumed the name Veronica to get inside the head of who she's writing about. It's an old writer's trick. I keep meaning to try it myself." "You mean, like if I were to call you Dr. Landers?" Miguel asks. "Exactly, Miguel."

Jill is on the phone to Malcolm. "Yo! Studio!" he says as he picks up the phone. "Malcolm? It's Jill." "Jill, if this is about me being a model again--" he says. "Just relax, Malcolm. Actually, I need a favor." "Ok, Jill--I'll bite. What do you need?" "Well, first, I have to swear you to secrecy." "Secrecy?" "This is top secret, Malcolm, so either swear up or I'll ask someone else." "Ok, ok. James Bond ohh-ohhhh-seven at your service. Whose covers do you want me under?" "Funny you should put it that way, Malcolm, because that's not far from the point." "Yeah, right. I'm married, remember?" "Oh, right. Well, look--just ignore that for now. This has got to seem realistic. I need you to ask out Victoria." "Victoria Newman?" Malcolm asks, surprised. "That's the one." "But my bro--" "--will be having lunch with me this afternoon. And I want him to think you've got a thing going with Victoria." "Me? Hah. Yeah, right." "Malcolm, I keep telling you--you're hot! Now call up Victoria and just watch her swoon." "Hey, this ain't some secret thing you've worked out with her to make me think I'm hot when I--" "No, she knows nothing about it. Now, hurry. We'll be at the Colonnade and I want you there, too." "There's just one thing. What's the point of all this?" "Malcolm, do you think Victoria is right for your brother?" "Neil? No way--she's way too wild for my brother. He needs a down home woman like--" "Like me?" "Well, yeah, maybe... Hey, I'm starting to understand. Ok, I'll be there with the charm on high. You do your thing with my brother..." "Thanks Malcolm." "Any time," Malcolm says, and hangs up.

A short while later, they're still driving. Cole says, "Now, this opening is a bit far-fetched. The whole business about a woman trading places with a homeless woman. And an asylum. And then that part about plastic surgery--no, that's just too contrived. It sounds like she came out looking the same as before the surgery--why even bother with such a dumb thing. And this part about the toilet seat cover--" "Excuse me?" Miguel says. "Oh, you haven't read it all the way through? She modified a toilet seat cover into a wig and pretended to be the maid Sarah," Cole says. Miguel laughs. "Sarah's wig did sort of look like that. But it would never hide such beauty as Veronica's." "Or whatever her name is," Cole says. "You're right, Miguel. She's gonna have to rewrite all of this. This opening is wayyyy too complicated. The actual murder is much more subtle than this. This might make a good sequel, but she just can't start it this way. Then again, at least she's trying. That's the only way you become a good writer. By writing and rewriting. She's got the writing part down here, but now she just needs some rewriting."

At the Colonnade Room, Neil and Jill sit. "Nice choice of lunch spot," Neil says. Jill smiles. "It's one of my favorites," she says. "Besides, when I heard you were dating Victoria Newman, I knew I was in for some STIFF competition, so I figured I'd better go all out." "All out? Jill, I'm not following you." "Well, if you're putting yourself onto the market, Neil, I figured I needed to investigate the situation myself--I might want to put in a bid, you know?" "Well, Jill, I don't know if I'm really ON the market." "Really? And how would Victoria feel about that?" "Well, for one thing, she might be the reason I'm not." "Wouldn't you say that's moving a little fast?" "Well, I dunno. Is it? Maybe. But you see, she and I, we have so much in common." "Like?" "Like that we're both young, and driven by work." "Well, wasn't Drucilla driven by work?" "Yeah, of course she was. That's why we ended up broken... up... I see your point." "So maybe you should give it a little time?" Jill asks. Neil thinks for a moment. "Hmmm." "What does Malcolm think about you and Victoria?" Jill asks. "Mal? Well, he was telling me to put on the brakes a bit, too, why?" Jill shrugs. "Oh, no special reason. It's just that he's sitting across the room from us... with Victoria." Neil looks over at Malcolm, who's getting up from his table and taking Vikki out onto the dance floor. "Well, I'll be..." Neil says. "No wonder he wanted me to slow down with Victoria--looks like my brother wants a bit of the action himself."

At the ranch, Miguel goes to see Nikki. "Sen~ora Newman. I have a friend who is looking for some work, and I..." "Oh, Miguel, that's a great thing. We've been combing the employment bureaus and they haven't seemed to have any Hispanics available." "Uh, she is not Hispanic." "She's not?" Nikki asks, a bit confused. "But you said she was your friend..." "She is, but I--met her at a diner." "A diner. Miguel, I....do you even know this person?" "Well, I--" Nikki stares him in the eyes. "Miguel, you've fallen in love, I can see it in your eyes." Miguel blushes. "Well, Sen~ora, I..." "It's ok, I understand. Ok, if you'll vouch for her, I'll waive the normal background check." "Thank you, Sen~ora."

There's a knock on Veronica's hotel room door. "Hello?" she asks cautiously. "It's Cole Howard." "Who??" she asks. "The famous novelist." She peers out cautiously. "I'm Cole Howard," he says. "I've seen you before," she replies. "On the covers of my books?" he asks proudly, turning to the side as if trying to recreate the angle of a favorite picture. "No," she says. "You're the friend of Miguel's who was drooling at me from across the room at the diner." Cole looks a little embarrassed, like a kid caught in the act. "Oh, uh, right. Sorry about that." "So what are you doing here?" she asks. "I came to tell you I know about your secret, and to offer to help." Veronica looks suddenly very nervous. "You--I--I'm not sure I understand," she says. Cole hands her back the book. Now she's really nervous. "Where did you get this?" she asks in a near paranoid tone, scraping around in her bag looking for her gun. "Miguel found it," he says. She pulls out the gun. "Hey, take it easy," Cole says. "I brought it back. And, I'm prepared to help you."

"Help me?" she asks. "Help me how?" she asks, still very confused and scared, not sure whether to believe him. "Well, it's a very good try for a first novel--I'm assuming you're not published, but maybe that's a bad assumption. Miguel and I figured out the thing about your name." "My name?" she says, still holding the gun and waving it around a little but not pointing it directly at him. "It's not Veronica." "It's not?" she says, not wanting to reveal anything. "And it's not Sarah, although that was a clever idea--it's obvious Sarah does have to be someone else, but I think the idea of making her be the ex-wife isn't very believable." "It isn't?" Veronica says. "No, it's pretty contrived. The kind of cheap stuff you'd see on daytime TV maybe. But not `ready for prime time' if you know what I mean." He chuckles and she does, too. She sets the gun down, but keeps it close.

"Can't I just be Veronica?" "Well, the thing is, Miguel is trying to get you a job at the ranch with Nikki, and it might upset her." "That bitch! She stole my Joshua!!" Sarah says, picking up the gun again as if she wants to shoot Nikki. Cole shakes his head, amused. "We're gonna have to work on that." "Huh? Why?" "Well, think about it. Let's say you were Veronica. Nikki had stolen your husband. Why shoot Dr. Landers dead and leave Nikki to live? That just doesn't work." "I was mad, ok!? And I meant to kill them both, but it didn't work." Cole shakes his head. "Calm down, relax," he says, motioning to her to put the gun back down. "There," he says, "now let's not get personal about this. Sometimes I have trouble taking criticism about my stories, too. But you have to keep ego out of it. Now, let's just explore some alternative. Suppose you had taken the job at the house to be near Joshua, but while you were there you realized it was Nikki you really loved. So when it came time to shoot them, you shot Joshua but you couldn't quite bring yourself to kill Nikki because subconsciously, you wanted her..." "And you've actually gotten books published?" she asks. "Amazing, isn't it?" he says proudly. "I can't tell you how amazing," she says. "Yes, well, that's what we're going to have to work on. By the time I'm finished with you, the idea of being published will no longer be a surprise," Cole says. "Now," Cole goes on, "what shall we call you?" Veronica's eye catches on a paperback she's been reading and she gets a slight smile. "Sue." "Sue? Sue who?" "Sue Grafton," she says. "Of the alphabet murder mysteries? Oh My god! Here I am going on about how to write a good mystery while you're a past master of it. I am SOOO embarrassed." She nods. "I'm working on V." "V is for Victor?" Cole guesses. She looks angry. "No! V is for VERONICA." "Oh, right, of course. I guess there ARE some times after all when Victor Newman isn't the center of the Universe." Then Cole gets another realization. "Hey! If you really are a world-famous author, then I guess you had this all planned, didn't you? You left your book there on purpose so I'd find it. And even Miguel--the job at the ranch--this is all your doing, isn't it?" She smiles enigmatically. "I'd like to be alone now. I have... work... to do." "Oh, yes, of course, Ms. Grafton. I must say, it has been a pleasure and an honor. And you can count on me not to say anything about your real identity." She smiles as she pushes him out of the room and closes the door. Then she falls against the back of the door and sighs with relief.

At Olivia's apartment, it's dark. The phone rings and the answering machine picks up. It's Olivia. "Hi, Malcolm. It's Olivia. This thing with Danny's kidney is dragging on and on. I don't know when I'll be home. Someone came by with some free sample Tex-Mex food and I put it in the fridge. Maybe you can reheat that for dinner. Sorry I can't be home with you. Kiss, kiss." She hangs up and there is silence. Then the phone rings again. It's Malcolm this time. "Hey, Liv, looks like something came up here at work. The boss lady asked me if I'd stay and put in an extra few hours, so--don't wait up, ok?"

It's the next morning. Nikki is showing "Sue" (Veronica/Sarah) around the house. She takes her in the kitchen. "Now, you can start in here. Normally Miguel would keep this clean, but he hasn't been around much lately." "I somehow think he'll be around more now," Veronica says. "Well, I'll believe that when I see it," Nikki says skeptically. "You won't be around to," Sarah says, pulling out a gun. "Sarah?" Nikki asks, turning toward her. "Veronica. My name is Veronica Landers--Joshua was MY husband," she insists. "You're under arrest," says the guy in the cookie jar, sticking his head up enough to see out. Veronica takes the jar lid and slams it down on him, knocking him out. She points to the fridge with the gun. "Open that," she says. Nikki doe so. "Now get in," she says. "But there are all those tex-mex containers in there." "Push them out onto the floor." Nikki does. When it's clear, she says again. "Get in." Nikki climbs in, and then hears the door closing on her. Veronica padlocks it and we cut away to commercial with her chuckling that she has finally done Nikki in.

Back from commercial, inside the fridge, it's looking grim for poor Nikki, who has grown weary of banging on the doors and is starting to look a little blue. Suddenly, a tray above her head slides out of the way and a familiar voice from above says, "Oh, excuse me. I didn't realize this unit was in use. I was just looking for a little tex-mex..." Nikki looks up and says, "Carl Williams! Are you ever a sight for sore eyes. I'm afraid there's no more tex-mex down here. She had to take it out to make room for me." "Oh well. Sorry to have troubled you," he says, closing the barrier. "No, wait!" she says, banging on the tray. He pokes his head back out. "Can you get me out of here?" "Oh, you're not here voluntarily?" he asks. "No," she says. "I'm being frozen to death by the culprit." "Culprit?" he asks excitedly, eager to go after her. Nikki sighs. "It's no wonder Mary Williams is always complaining about you--you have your priorities set all wrong. I'll tell you all about it AFTER I'm out of here. For now, just get me out!"

That's all for this episode. Hope you learned something. Don't miss Episode 98!
If you missed any older episodes, see the index.

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