Episode 35, originally published 13-Apr-97

How Shall I of Thee Partake?

Paul is at his apartment when the phone rings. "Hello?" "Are you the guy what got mugged?" "That's right," Paul says. "Did you witness it?" "Yeah, I witnessed it. I was the one what did it." Paul tenses up, "Why are you calling?" "Because I have your appendix," he says. "And if you want to see it alive, you'll pay me some money. Big money." "I'm not paying you any money. I don't need my appendix. It probably needed to come out anyway." "No, no, I mean if you want to be alive to see it... Oh, never mind, just pay the money, ok?"

Victoria is with her father, who is already squabbling with her about matters at Jabot. "Aren't you even glad to have me back?" she pleads unblinkingly. "Aren't I glad to have you back? What kind of question is that. Of course I am glad to have you back. Didn't I say so earlier?" "Well, maybe. You might have just mumbled it though. Daddy, you have to speak loudly because I can't always hear you. I never realized how much I depend on lip reading when I'm talking to you," she says without blinking. "What on earth are you talking about, lip reading?" he asks. "Ohhhh, never mind!" she sighs, but she still does not blink.

Hearing a doorbell, Phyllis races to he door. "Tim!" she says. "Hello, Phyllis. I hadn't seen you in a while, so I thought I would drop by and see how you were doing. Can I come in?" She motions him in. "Where's your hairpiece?" Phyllis asks. Tim frowns. "I decided I don't like it. So I'm not wearing it." Phyllis frowns back. "But Tim, you know you look so much better in it." "I'll make a bargain with you Phyllis," he says. "A bargain?" "What kind of bargain?" He hands her a gift-wrapped box. "What's in here?" she asks. "Open it." Phyllis tears through the wrapping and lifts the top of the box. "A halloween mask?" "It's a latex cast of Michelle Stafford's face." "Michelle Stafford? The actress on that new TV show--?" "That's right. Pacific Pallisades." "I don't get it," says Phyllis, now totally confused. Tim explains, "Well, you want me to wear the hairpiece. Why? Because you think it will make me look better. Well, I want you to wear this mask. For the same reason."

Paul is still on the phone with the would-be blackmailer. "Who is this? How did you get this number?" "You really don't know, do you? You must be some dumb P.I., I gotta tell ya. You don't remember somebody came by your office and wanted to hire you to find the guy whose appendix he'd stolen?" "I remember that, I said I couldn't take the case." "And do you remember why?" "Yes, because I said I'd recently had MY appendix stolen and the man you were trying to find looked a lot like me. I didn't feel I could be objective about it, and I told you to find someone who didn't have such a strong bias about the case." "That was me," the man says. "What's your point?" says Paul. "You know," says the man, "I think we should just forget I made this call. I don't think you'd understand the parts I was getting to about the paper bag and all that counting. You just keep the money and have a nice day, ok?" "Ok, if you say so." They hang up and Paul shrugs. "Huh. I wonder what that was all about," he says.

Mary calls Christine at legal aid. "It's almost dinner time. How about stopping by your mother-in-law's for some nice dinner." "Ok, just let me call Paul--" "I'll take care of that," Mary says helpfully. "Just get in your car and come right over." "Alright. Great. I'll be there in fifteen minutes," Christine says, and then hangs up the phone without saying good-bye.

"Daddy?" Victoria asks, her eyes fixed on him without blinking. "Yes, my sweetheart?" "Didn't you get the eyes I mailed to you and Hope while I was away?" "Well, of course we got those eyes. They were delicious. Where ever did you get them?" "Daddy!" she screams "I donated my eyes so that Hope could have her vision and you ATE them?" "What do you mean you donated your eyes--what about the ones you have now?" "Are you blind, Daddy?? Sorry, I mean are you blind, TOO? Haven't you noticed that I never blink any more?" she asks. Without blinking, she continues "Those were MY eyes you ate! These are just glass eyes I have now, Daddy! I'm blind!" He waves his hand in front of her eyes but her gaze is unwavering, her eyes seemingly glued open. "Well, I'll be damned," he says. "I am sorry, my sweetheart. I did not know. You see--it looked like food. They were all packed in boxes marked `contents perishable - keep refrigerated'. We just thought we should eat them before they went bad."

Phyllis holds up the mask of Michelle Stafford. She looks at it skeptically. "Tim, I know you think of me as a little--" He helps her, "wild? crazy?" "Ok, crazy. But even I have my limits. And this is just too kinky. I think maybe you should see a therapist." "I AM a therapist, Phyllis, and what two people do in the privacy of their own--" "No! Tim! Stop! Not two people. Not THESE two people. If YOU want to do that in the privacy of, well, whatever, that's... that's... fine. But please, leave me out of it." She pushes him back through the door. "Now, Danny's going to be home soon and I don't want him to see you here without your little rug, so ... Good bye. Have a nice life!"

In Mary's kitchen, Mary is stirring soup and Cricket is setting the table. "Shouldn't Paul be here by now," Cricket asks. Mary says, "Oh, Paul's not coming." "He's not coming? I thought you said you'd call him." "I did. I told him I was having you over for dinner and that he could come, too. He said he'd love to." "So why isn't he here?" "Oh, I told him he could come, but I said he'd have to apologize first." "Apologize? Apologize for what?" "Leaving me in the dark about his injury." "And he still wouldn't do it?" "No, he wouldn't. And so I told him he could go to bed without supper."

It's evening at the Romalatti residence. "Phyllis!" Danny calls from the bedroom. Phyllis enters. "What is it, Danny?" He holds up a video tape. "What IS this?" "That?" "Yes, you know what's on it, don't you? I found it hiding in the bookcase." "Did you watch it?" she asks cautiously. "Yes, I did. It's Dr. Reid, and some REALLY attractive woman." Phyllis feigns amusement. "I know, isn't it great? Dr. Reid's birthday coming up and I just thought--I mean, he seems SO stuffy all the time. I just thought it would be cute to get him to lighten up a little. So I had this video made up of him and--and--and his favorite TV star. Just as a joke, you know?" "Joke, huh? Some joke. This is the kind of thing you could really blackmail someone with. Well, just don't ask me to sign my name to the card, ok?" "It's a deal" she says, taking the tape. After Danny leaves the room, Phyllis leans into the mirror. "Am I just getting old? I wonder why he didn't recognize me..." she ponders.

"Mary! You can't just be that way?" "Why not? He's my son, and I always get my way with my son," Mary explains, and then turns her back to Christine and stands stubbornly with her arms crossed. "`Why not?'" Cricket echos. "I'll tell you why not. Because I said so, and *I* always get MY way--with everyone." She turns her back, too, so that she and Mary are back to back, both with arms crossed. There is silence as these two must-always-be-right forces contemplate their next move. Finally, Cricket breaks character and yells "Daddy!! Make her stop!" Moments later, the doorbell rings. "That must be Paul," Mary says. "I told him dinner would be ready about now and that he'd better hurry over." Cricket goes to the door and greets Paul. "Hi, honey. I'm glad you decided to apologize to your mother about the injury--it's going to make things a lot calmer around her." "Injury?" Paul asks. "What injury?"

That's all for this episode. Hope you learned something. Don't miss Episode 36!
If you missed any older episodes, see the index.

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