Episode 28, originally published 11-Mar-97

The Why-Files

Two men in trenchcoats enter the hospital room where Sharon is sleeping. "Can I help you?" Nick says. "I hope so," says one of the men. "We understand this woman recently delivered a premature offspring." Nick nods. "He's very small, yes. But he's going to be fine." The two men eye each other wordlessly. Their expressions reveal nothing. "Just who are you guys, anyway?" Nick asks, suddenly suspicious. "My name is unimportant," says the talky one. "And his... is classified." Nick frowns, but the talky one continues his questioning. "How long had the victim--" "Sharon. Her name is Sharon," Nick interrupts him. "And she's not a victim--we wanted this baby." "Just the facts," says the aspiring Joe Friday. "How long had Sharon been pregnant?" Nick counts on his fingers. He's puzzled when he's used them up, but he responds anyway. "Ten months." The two men lock eyes again. Classified nods almost imperceptibly; Unimportant responds with an equally subtle nod.

Helen is on the phone at Kurt's house as the doorbell rings. "I have to go, Kurt--that's the door. I'm sure it's the buyer I told you about." She hangs up and gets the door. It's not the buyer. It's Linda (with an L) and Sarah (with an S). Neither is translucent. Indeed, it is Helen who turns sheet white. "Helen?" Linda asks. "You look like you've seen a ghost," says Linda. "She looks like she is a ghost," mocks Sarah. "It can't be you," Helen says. "You're dead!" Linda shakes her head--"You know, you're the second person to say that to me today. But I assure you, I'm very much alive."

One of the government agents is in a room at the Genoa City Hotel. He is typing notes into his laptop when the other enters. Instinctively, the first man draws his gun, but he relaxes when he sees his partner. "I went to Newman Enterprises to check out our hunch." "Anyone talking?" He nods. "About anything but work. I spoke with them for hours and yet there was never any mention of a product. Everyone has a job title but nothing to do. It's spooky. Just reports. Neat desks. For-show labs with colored water in all the test tubes. Computer screens with meaningless numbers. And the offices! NO ONE needs offices that big. There's something else going on there, that's for sure... And, are you ready for the big part?" The other one nods. "Try me." "I was just there." "Yeah, I know, I dropped you off." "No, I mean--JUST now. There's a large sculpture in the lobby--looks like one of those modern art things. But I walked into it thinking "I should really get back to the hotel, and... well, and here I am. No transit time."

Helen is on the phone from the library at Kurt's. The door is closed. "Kurt! The strangest thing just happened--you'll never believe it. I hardly know what to think." "What is it, Helen?" "These two women showed up claiming to be Linda and Sarah--well, it looks like them, but it couldn't be--I mean, we saw them buried, right?" "Calm down, Helen. I'm sure there's an explanation." "Well, I don't know what it is--maybe you should talk to them." "No, better let me confront them in person. I'll book a flight. It would be wonderful if it WERE them, the answer to my prayers--but it seems so unlikely."

Mary is with Cricket and Paul in the park. "I just think a son would help you complete your family," Mary says. The two agents enter and the talky one taps The Bug on the shoulder. "Could we speak to you for a moment, ma'am?" They flash their badges. "Sure," she says. She makes her apologies to Paul and Mary and walks aside to talk to the agents. "Ok, you're from the Classified Intelligence Agency. What can I help you with?" "We noticed the elderly woman there trying to convince you to bear her compatriot's child." "Her son--Paul is my husband." The two lock eyes and shake their heads slightly. "Ma'am, we have reason to believe they are aliens, in search of human DNA." "Are you guys for real? Paul's a detective." They do the head-shaking thing again. "Ever seen him solve a crime, ma'am?" "Well, no, but I'm just faster than him so I usually solve it first." "Uh, huh," the man says, obviously unimpressed. "And he has his security business." "Keeps people from getting shot? Helps solve the crime when it happens?" "Well, no, but he does put up lots of surveillance cameras everywhere." "Uh, huh. Ma'am, just watch out for now. We'll be in touch."

As the two agents walk away, one says to the other, "What do you think he sees in her?" "I don't know--something about her bugged me." "Heh, `bugged'. Maybe those bug-eyed critters think she looks like one of their own." "Do you think we stopped her?" "I doubt it. She doesn't seem like the sort to take anyone's advice. We'd better get back to headquarters. This thing is bigger than I'd expected. Could be the whole town's already infested." The other nods, and they hurry off.

It's evening. Helen is with the two women. "You know a lot about the Costners, but I know it's not you. You're scamming Kurt and I won't have it." "Why? Because you `love' him so much?" Sarah asks. "No, because I killed you myself. Kurt's wife went after my Freddie and I took care of them. Now Kurt's almost mine and you're going to spoil it. There only room for one scam at a time here and it's mine, so you two amateurs should just hit the road." "What if we call the police and tell them what you just said?" "You won't do that, because Kurt will know you are phonies." "That's right," says Kurt entering from another room. "I do know they're phonies. I hired them. Thanks, Midge and Sue. We have her confession on tape at last." "But how could you have known?" Helen protests. "Simple," says the translucent ghost of Linda, entering to stand next to the nearly identical but not-so-translucent Midge. Helen screams at the sight of the ghost and faints. "Too bad she didn't have a heart attack," sighs the ghost of Linda. "I was looking forward to getting my hands on her." Kurt laughs. "Patience, my love. It'll all work out in time. And who knows, maybe another of us will cross the threshold into the spirit world sooner than you think." "Really?" asks Linda, curious. "And who might that be?" "Me--if I have to spend much more time with that damned Ashley!"

That's all for this episode. Hope you learned something. Don't miss Episode 29!
If you missed any older episodes, see the index.

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