Episode 21, originally published 10-Feb-97
Original title: ``Take, Take, Take''

Just Give Me Some Space

Nick stands with Sharon looking in the door of their house. Sharon cradles their recently born son in her arms. Behind them, outside, a large four-door car awaits; its trunk is open and we can see it is packed with supplies for their trip. Miguel enters and says, "Thank goodness, I'm in time. I brought going away presents for each of you." He hands them each a sack lunch. Nick peeks inside and smiles. "Thanks, Miguel. You're the best." Sharon kisses Miguel on the cheek tearily. "Thanks, Miguel." Miguel asks, "Where is it you'll be going?" "The farthest we can get from here," Nick explains. "Ah," says Miguel, as if he understands the answer. Nick says, "Well, s'long Miguel. Say 'bye' to Mom for me, ok? I don't think I can take another one of her teary scenes over this." Miguel nods, "I understand completely, Nicholas. Vaya con Dios." The two enter the car and drive off.

Later, inside the comfortable interior of one of the Newman aircraft, Sharon and Nick munch on the sack lunches Miguel has provided them. "I sure hope your dad doesn't mind your borrowing this shuttle," Sharon says. "Don't worry, Sharon. I'm sure Dad just doesn't care what happens to us. And this is the perfect way to make our escape--" Suddenly a voice comes over the speaker, "Approaching escape velocity. Please check that your seat belts are fastened." "See?" Nick says. Sharon looks suddenly alarmed. "Escape velocity? Nick, that means we'll be leaving the Earth's gravitational pull." Nick winks at her. "Well, I did say we'd be going as far as possible from Dad, and this seemed just about perfect." The two chuckle momentarily and then are rendered unconscious by a sudden acceleration.

We pick up again as Nick and Sharon come bounding into their new home on the lunar surface wearing space suits. Their faces are obscured, but Sharon is obviously the one who holds a tiny spacesuited child cradled in her arms. They remove their helmets and begin to explore their new space. "Yeah, I think this will be far enough away," Nick says. "And here on the lunar surface, there are no stores or restaurants so the fact that I quit my job won't matter--there's nothing to spend money on anyway," he says smugly. The doorbell rings. Nick starts to yell "I'll get it, Mig--" but stops himself. "It's going to take some getting used to the idea that he's not still around," Nick admits. As he walks to the airlock, he asks Sharon, "I wasn't expecting a welcoming party--were you?"

The door slides open and in walk a number of little green men with bubbled helmets. One of them levels a blaster at Nick and nudges him toward the door. He reaches for his space helmet, but a voice says in perfect English, "You won't need that." Nick, Sharon, and the baby (whose name has never been spoken, but which we may be sure is Little Nicholas) are ushered into a small vehicle that takes them quickly to a space dome. As they emerge from the dome, they see cylindrical tanks containing preserved bodies of various missing cast members from Y&R. Nick whispers to Sharon, "That was Carl Williams, the former Chief of Police for Genoa City." A moment later, they pass another. "They kidnapped him?" Sharon says, worried. "Oh, Nicholas-- uh, big Nicholas I mean--is that what's going to happen to us?" Nick shakes his head, "I don't think so Sharon. I suspect he's one of them."

"Just so, young Newman--uh, big young Newman," the alien says. Then, as a frustrated afterthought, the alien adds, "Will someone PLEASE take the child from this room so that our attempts at pithy dialog will not be fraught with ambiguity of reference? How you earthlings tolerate such idiotic naming conventions, I don't know." As the child is ripped from Sharon's arms and ushered away, Sharon mutters "Easy come, easy go..." The alien who was speaking to the now-conveniently-only Nicholas turns back to him and continues, "So, I see you understand our plot to control the world," he says. "Yes," says Nick, "They taught us this technique in business class: diversification. You're planting various dummies on earth, each with special skills and duties, each ready to help you control the world."

"Correct!" says the alien, surprised that Nick could figure it out. "The Carl Williams model was too primitive--a direct attempt to control outcomes by use of police force--very clumsy. The Mary Williams model is really much more effective in the control department." "And the Paul Williams model? He doesn't seem very controlling. Is he an earthling?" Nick asks. "No, he's a special purpose item. The one you call `The Bug' (a creature after our own hearts, but alas, with a different agenda than we can bear) risked defeating our control mechanism. The Paul Williams model is equipped with special DNA which will combine with The Bug's to neutralize her offspring. We may not be able to control this generation, but we can stop her meddling from spreading."

"So why have we been brought here?" Nick says, cutting to the chase. "Are we the next threat to you? Or are my controlling parents both agents of yours and are you about to tell me I'm an alien just like you?" The alien laughs. "Your parents are enormously controlling, I'll grant you that. But in your mother's case we've dealt with that surgically. Have you noticed that ever since the surgery when your mother was rendered able to walk again, she has shown a complete lack of desire to leave her living room?" "Come to think of it, I have," Nick says. Sharon asks "You did that?" The alien nods proudly. "And my father?" Nick asks. "Well, we sent an assassin to deal with him, but she blew it." Nick asks, "Mari Jo Mason?" The alien nods. "Ha! I knew it," says Nick. "She was such a space case."

"And let me guess," Nick says, "Antonio and Neil Winters...?" "Also our agents. How could you tell?" the alien asks curiously. Nick replies, "Easy. They have such outdated attitudes and speech patterns. I've got it--you come from 40 light years away, right?" The alien nods, his mouth wide with surprise. "So your sensors are getting data from Earth that's 40 years behind the times... They did a whole episode on this common error made by aliens studying us in the first Star Trek TV series ... `Square of Gothos,' I think the episode was called." The alien looks confused. "TV? Star Trek?" Nick laughs some more. "Oh, right. You haven't seen TV and Star Trek yet. Hey, no wonder people in Genoa City never watch TV--your bots are all over and they don't come programmed to know about TV so they never watch it. It's all falling into place..."

Nick abruptly changes the subject. "So hey, if you're worried about Dad and Mom being so controlling, how come you're not worried about me and my sister?" "Aha, so you come finally to this. You and your sister were genetically altered at our laboratories in Sweden. We added the DNA of a Neanderthal--you perhaps noticed the telltale monobrow appearance and the rapid aging that accompanies primitive man's short lifespan. We had hoped that this lowering of your intelligence would eliminate your ability to compete intelligently--it did, but it raised your desire to compete primitively--you with your strength and Victoria with her sexuality. You will be modified to conform, and will be returned to earth. Your sister will be a more complex operation. Her brain is considerably more chaotic, and programming it will not be easy. It may require several months. Now, if you will lay down on this table we can get started..."

"Wait!" says Nick, "I've got a business proposition for you. Rather than reprogram me, why not let me join with you -- I could stay as I am and offer you my considerable business savvy." The alien bops him over the head with a hammer and he falls unconscious. "Stupid human," he says, "you've had only a semester of college and your considerable business savvy is unlikely to get you a manager's job at our McDonald's operation." He shakes his head sadly, then turns to Sharon. "Sit over there, human female." "Am I next?" Sharon asks, terrified. The alien replies, "Anyone who would believe her man when he foolishly promises her the Moon doesn't need reprogramming. You're already just the sort of mindless drone we want all humans to be. Just sit there and be quiet. If it will make you feel more comfortable, we can obtain a basketball for you to rub while you wait. But we'll be only a moment."

That's all for this episode. Hope you learned something. Don't miss Episode 22!
If you missed any older episodes, see the index.

Feedback, good or bad, is always appreciated.