Episode 141, originally published 07-Aug-2001

Ill-Conceived

Won't Sharon be ill when she finds whose baby she's conceived?
Will Olivia find herself taking ill?
Would Paul be ill-at-ease to learn what Mary tells Isabella about her evil ways?
Could just watching the Glow by Jabot house on the web make someone from the Newman household ill?

[Author's Note: Don't be confused here. Unlike our usual pattern of taking AWO from the current plot state onward, some plot threads contained herein have been sent to swiss boarding school in order to rapidly age them past the excruciatingly boring parts which are the current plot state. We apologize that the actual show will not be able to do likewise, but perhaps if you just take a nice long nap (say, until the next sweeps week), you can skip over the part we omitted.]

Nick and Sharon visit the doctor, who tells them that Sharon is pregnant. "Does he look like me?" Nick asks, conspicuously highlighting the possibility that he might not. "Have a look," the doctor says, ducking the question.

[Click here to have your own look.]

It's sometime later this fall. Drucilla is holding a fancy phone that looks like it places her in a fancy Paris hotel. "Olivia is where?" she asks, stunned "In the hospital," Neil explains. "Well, can you tell me anything more about my sister's condition?" she asks. Neil shakes his head, then says into the phone. "No, not really. They're working on her now. As you know, she's usually the doctor who saves the day, so since she's now the patient, it's very confusing for them." Dru looks irritated. "Well, you tell them they better get unconfused fast or sister Dru's gonna come over and give them some more medical emergencies to practice on, you got that?" Neil laughs. "I've got it, Dru. So you want me to call you back with more news?" "No," says Dru. "No?" he asks surprised. "I don't think you can call my cell while I'm in the air," she explains. "And I'll be there as soon as I can." Neil nods and hangs up. She hangs up, too. Neil turns around and starts to walk toward the door. Opening it, he sees Dru and Lily. "I came as soon as I could," Dru says. "Mommy used the matter teleporter," Lily volunteers. "Now you hush about that," Dru says to her. "The audience doesn't care how we get back and forth. They just like us not to waste their valuable time... well, not on travel that is. They'd rather we waste it moaning and wailing at my sister's bedside."

A few months earlier (i.e., back in the present time), Isabella arrives at Mary Williams' house. "I just wanted to say good-bye," she explains. "Good-bye?" Mary asks, confused. "Where are you going?" "Paul didn't tell you? No, of course he didn't. He says he's 'not embarrassed' about it, but he still can't bring himself to mention it to anyone." "Mention what? I'm afraid you have me at a disadvantage, my dear," Mary protests, "I have no idea what you're talking about." Isabella turns and walks toward the car. "So you're leaving? Just like that." Isabella returns with the massage parlor book that Paul found and hands it to her. Mary looks shocked.

"You look shocked," Isabella says to Mary, confirming what we'd already noticed before the commercial break. "Well, I am--I never would have expected--" She stops and leafs through it. "Never would have expected that I was a wh--ho--women of ill repute?" Mary shakes her head in amazement. "It's just that--" she starts to say, but then she walks back into the house. Isabella stares at the door that has slammed in her face and sighs. Tears flow from her eyes. "Good-bye to you, too, my former friend," she says quietly and turns toward the car. As she gets to it, though, Mary calls out. "Isabella? Wait! Why are you running off?" Isabella turns and looks at her. "Mary? Well, I--" But Mary runs out to her and hands her a book that looks just like Isabella's. It is labeled "Mistress Mary's Quite Contrary House of Pleasure". "What is this?" Isabella asks. "Just a relic of my own past. It's why I was so astonished. That you had one just like it." "Does Paul know about this?" Isabella asks. Mary looks shocked. "Paul? Good gracious no. I may be old but I'm not stupid. I wouldn't tell a fragile boy like Paul the truth about my past. I couldn't. It would break his heart."

"So you used to be a prosti--I mean, you know, a--" Isabella stops, groping for a word. "A colleague?" Mary offers with a wink. Isabella smiles. Mary goes on. "Yes, I'm afraid so. But the girls and I got tired of it after a while." "The girls?" Isabella asks. "Oh, you know, the ladies in my knitting circle. We still sit around and swap stories about the good old days on Thursday nights." "But I thought that was Bingo night," Isabella says. Mary laughs. "What's so funny?" Isabella asks. Mary just shakes her head. "It's just that paul thinks so, too. And he's had a lot longer to find out the truth. I do love that boy of mine dearly, you know, but he's really not much of a detective when it comes right down to it. If he didn't have a strong, intelligent woman with him all the time, he'd probably never solve a case." "Really?" Isabella says. "Of course," Mary says. "Why do you think I care about Christine being in Australia for so long? Surely not for his sex life. Lynn could take care of that for him in a pinch, but she's not much of a detective either." "Uh, Mary, I don't know if you've noticed, but ever since Marissa being around--I think Lynn's a 'switch hitter', if you know what I mean." Mary becomes thoughtful for a moment. "You know, I hadn't noticed. But you may be right. Well, all the more important that we get Paul hooked--uh, sorry, bad pun, I know--hitched up with someone local quickly." "Like me?" Isabella says, handing Mary back her strapbook--er,--scrapbook. "Like you," Mary says, and the two walk back into Mary's house to make plans.

Still in the present, the doors open at the Glow by Jabot Boutique and in walks a fresh collection of newcomers. Introductions all around, when suddenly we see that one of the newcomers introduces himself as Miguel Rodriguez. "Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?" Billy asks. "I'm the all-purpose doorman, butler, and cook at the Newman Estate and its affiliate estates, the home of Sharon and Nicholas Newman and miss Victoria's Tack Estate," he explains. "Newman," Billy mulls, "so you're here to deliver a message from our competition?" "No, not at all, from myself, actually," he explains. "Oh, well, I guess if Nicki Newman can be a free agent, so can her staff. Welcome to the Jabot Boutique," Billy says. Miguel smiles and moves to Raul. Billy taps Raul to get his attention, "Hey, Rowl, Miguel here is from the Newman Household." "Greetings," Raul says, "what brings you by?" "That introduction of Billy Abbott's actually," Miguel says. "His introduction?" Raul asks, confused. "He called you Rowwell," Miguel says, stretching out the word to rhyme with "trowel". "So?" Raul says. "The word is Rah-oool, two syllables, the second syllable rhyming with 'cool'," Miguel points out. Mac enters. "Hi, Rowl. What are you guys talking about?" she asks. Everyone laughs, except Miguel, who just shakes his head in disgust.

Back in the future, Trisha is prowling the grounds of the Newman estate. Matt/Carter (Marter) is with her, carrying a basket. "You know," he says, "I'm not really carrying this basket. You are." "I know," Trisha says, "but I prefer to think I'm not. It feels lighter that way. Now be quiet or you'll wake the baby." "You'll never get away with it," Marter says. "You can't just switch babies on someone." "Of course I can. I once saw this show on TV where it was done. Some woman named Sheila. She did it and she almost got away with it." "See? Almost," he says. "Well, they noticed some differences in birthmarks. But I came prepared with magic markers in case of that. I'm not leaving anything up to chance," she insists. "So you're just going to give your baby away and take Victoria's?" She nods. "I have to. How else can I get Ryan back? I need Victoria's baby because it will test positive as Ryan's child. I wouldn't even need to do this if it weren't for you, getting me pregnant when I should have been pregnant by Ryan..." "So, Victoria will have my baby and you'll have Ryan's, is that what you think?" "Look, I'm getting very tired of you," she says. "Now shut up, please? Just shut up."

It's still the future, but we're at the hospital. Dru and Neil stand in a waiting room. Malcolm and Alex enter. "Is Olivia alright?" Malcolm asks. "He means," Alex says, "as alright as she's ever been." "Hey!" Dru says to Alex. "Don't you be puttin' down my sistah, sistah." Neil ignores all of this. "Olivia's in surgery. They don't know what it is, so they had to do exploratory surgery." Just then the doctor enters and all rush to him. "Tell me you have good news about my sister," Dru pleads. "We got it out," the doctor says. "Got it out? What was it? Was she pregnant? Was it a cancer?" Dru asks. "Apparently some form of Heteroptera had migrated into the posterior opening of her alimentary canal," the doctor explains. "I've had it sent to the lab for analysis. We should know more soon."

Back at the Newman Ranch, Trisha and Marter are still wandering about. "Wow, this is a really big estate," Trisha whispers. "Maybe we should stop and ask for directions," Marter says. "You think you always know the answer, don't you?" she snips. Just then, they come upon Nick and Sharon's. Marter recognizes it, but Trisha doesn't. "Wait," she says, "this must be it. This IS it, right?" she asks. Marter smiles and says "I've been told I'm too much of a know-it-all. I can't say. Maybe it is, maybe it's not." She walks up to the window and peers in. A baby swings unattended in a basket. Upstairs, there is the sound of two people thumping away, presumably Nick and Sharon, though Trisha thinks it's Ryan and Victoria. Trisha makes a big frown at all the banging and grunting. "Ryan, I can't believe you're doing that now, practically in front of me." She motions for Marter to wait, as she opens the door and enters. Gently, she lifts the affection-starved child from its little bed and replaces it with the other one from the picnic basket. Then she goes back to the window and climbs out to find Marter. "So the deed is done?" Marter asks. She nods. "Sheila would be so proud of me," Trisha says. "Sheila's a fictional character," Marter reminds her. "And you're not?" she asks. He gives a little nod, conceding her the momentary victory.

"Hetero opera?" Dru asks. Alex helps her, "Heteroptera. If my knowledge of Greek is right, that's some sort of feather or wing or something. Chicken wings? Did she eat some bad food." "Not exactly," the doctor says. "A heteroptera is just a bug. But they do have kind of feathery legs and feelers." "Wait, wait, wait just a minute," Dru says excitedly, "you're saying some sort of bug made its way into my sister? And you just took it out?" "That's what he said," Alex notes, "that it came in up her, uh--" "Rectum," the doctor completes helpfully. "Rectum my hiney," Dru exclaims, "he means her butt. So, like, basically, all this time the lady's had some kind of bug up her butt? That's what you're telling me, ain't it?" The doctor shrugs sheepishly and nods. Neil gets a spark of excited recognition. "And I bet that's why she's been having such problems with Malcolm over the divorce," he adds, realizing the implications. Again, the doctor nods. "Based on my experience with this kind of thing in the past, I think she should be a lot more mellow for now, but..." "But what?" Neil asks, suddenly concerned again. "You should call an exterminator, and make sure her apartment is sprayed. We don't want a recurrence."

That's all for this episode. Hope you learned something. Don't miss Episode 142!
If you missed any older episodes, see the index.

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