Episode 127, originally published 02-Jun-99

The Tragedy of Billy and Mac

(with apologies to Bill Shakespeare and his Romeo/Juliet thing)

Prologue

One house shared 'twixt a Jill and Katherine,
In fair Genoa, where we set our scenes,
There's no escape, break out the aspirin
It's time to troll again for summer teens.
From Shakespeare, as you know, they got this tale.
A pair of teeny-boppers, full of strife--
They'll strut their stuff, and then themselves impale.
Why not just say "Jill, Kay, go get a life!"?
At boarding school, young Billy fast matures,
To fall in love with Mac beside the pool.
Does anyone expect such love endures?
Who do they, Bell and Alden, seek to fool?
I guess to expect more is beyond hope--
For, after all, they say, it's just a soap.

Act I

[Chancellor Living Room.]
Billy:	Hark, Esther, who is that yon babe o'er there?
Esther:	Can't you speak English?
Billy:	Pentameter Iambic only, Cher.
Esther:	Whatever. Her name is Mac.
Billy:	And prithee tell me of whose house she hails. For if you don't I'll pierce my ears with nails.
Esther:	I'm really not sure what you're asking, but you did say something about a house, so I'm guessing you're wondering if she lives here with me and Mrs. C. If so, you're dead on.
Billy:	No, no. Dead on shall I not be quite yet. For days and days o'er Mac I first must fret.
Esther:	Great. I'll count on you for dinner then.

Act II, Scene 1

[Mac's Room at the Chancellor Estate.]
Mac	[from her balcony]:
	Oh, Billy-o, Billy-o, Wherefore art thou, Billy-o? Whoops! [She slips and falls out of the window]
Billy	[peeking in the door at the balcony Mac just fell from]:
	Hark! What babe from yonder window falls? [He enters and crosses to the balcony, peering down.] Ah yes, 'tis Mac for whom I make 911 calls.

Act II, Scene 2

[Chancellor Living Room.]
Billy:	Thank goodness when she fell she hit the pool. 'Cuz she is really hot and I'm so cool.
Jill:	Oh, Billy, must that Katherine-spawn you chase? I wish I could all trace of her erase.
Billy:	I'm sorry Mom but only death shall part These star-crossed lovers mimicking high art.

Act II, Scene 3

[Chancellor Living Room.]
Mac:	Thank goodness when I fell I hit the pool. That Billy's oh so hot and I'm too cool.
Kate:	Oh, Mac, could you not find another date? I wish Jill and her kid some awful fate.
Mac:	But don't you see that you and she are twins? You both love hate and no one ever wins!

Act III

[Ye Olde Crimson Lights.]
Mac:	How quickly has the summer turned to fall, And this poor plot is now quite fully stalled.
Billy:	But wholesome as we are, we can't take drugs! Nor shoot ourselves like ordinary thugs.
Mac:	But to be free we'll need to undertake A really, truly, awesome deathly fake.
Billy:	Yes, then they'll cry and wail... and be best friends!
Mac:	Sounds good to me. Just so the story ends!
Billy:	And best of all, if we're not dead can we Return another day, our roles reprise.

Act IV

[Chancellor Living Room.]
Jill:	Boo hoo, it's oh so sad our kids are dead. This is a feud up with which I am fed.
Kate:	You know, for once, you're right--that is well said. I guess for now there's been enough blood shed.
Jill:	Let's both at last let Phillip rest in peace. From now on over him the war will cease.
Kate:	I'd rather reminisce about my Rex. The man with whom I've had the greatest sex.
Jill:	It's me about whom Rex had fantisized, With you he wished he'd been anesthetized.
[Final curtain.]

You expected may be a tidy resolution? I'm afraid you'll have to go to Shakespeare for that. This is a soap we're parodying here! Continuing story lines 'R' us...

References:

I found the original text through a site that has since disappeared, but you can find Shakespeare's plays online today at Shakespeare Online. For example, click here to read Romeo and Juliet.

That's all for this episode. Hope you learned something. Don't miss Episode 128!
If you missed any older episodes, see the index.

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