Episode 58, originally published 14-Aug-97

Rash of Love

Phyllis is home looking at a pregnancy test. "Damn!" she says to herself. "Mrs. Romalotti, are you all right?" Joani says, rushing in from the other room. "Of course I'm not all right, Joani. My life is in a shambles and I'm not pregnant." "Would it matter now anyway? After Paul and Christine came by and saw the pregnancy test the other day, you don't think they'd believe you if you later said you were pregnant, do you? They'd probably just think you made it up." "Well, they might think that, but I didn't. It's not like I've had a steady stream of men through here in the past few days, Joani. If I'm pregnant, it's Danny's, and I need to know about it as soon as I can." She gets up and starts to walk toward the door. "Where are you going?" Joani asks. "Out--to see my new friend Michael Baldwin, and see what I can do about stacking the odds a little in my favor," Phyllis says.

Hope kisses Victor good-bye. "You're sure you must go," Victor mumbles. Hope nods. "Yes, Victor. I've been away from the farm for too long--I have to get back and see Bingo and all the animals." "But you know they are being well-managed since you left--I hired a team of specialists to see to it that all of your animals were fed and cared for while you were gone." "It's not the same, Victor." "Very well, but keep in touch." Victor looks down to Victor Junior. "Good-bye, my boy. You take good care of your mommy, ok?" "I will, sir," the boy says. Victor laughs, ruffles his hair and says "I'm sure you will."

Diane is looking at an ad in the World Inquisitor. "Talk to REAL Psychics NOW! Call the Psychic Consultants...." Hmm. Couldn't hurt, I guess. She dials the phone. Someone answers: "Psychic Consultants. Hi, Diane. Are you calling for information about a relationship with Victor Newman?" "Wow! You really are psychic!" Diane says. "Actually, honey, I haven't gotten to the prediction stuff yet--this much I'm just reading off the caller-id box. It says you're calling from the office of a Diane Jenkins, so I guessed it would be you." "But, but... the relationship with Victor Newman--" "Honey, I don't want to shock you but, well, I cross-referenced your passport, credit card records, etc. You suddenly started traveling a lot and have spent virtually nothing doing it. You're flying a lot, but accumulating no frequent flier miles. All I can say is that if you're not dating Victor Newman, there's a new multi-billionaire in town we don't know about ..."

Paul, paces back and forth in the waiting room at the hospital. He has a poison-ivy-like rash on his face, and the camera pans down to show him scratching a similar rash on the back of his hand. The camera then dollies down the hall and fades through a door to where we see Cricket being checked by Olivia for a similar rash (face and hands). "Looks to me like just a bacterial infection of some kind. You haven't been trekking through any sewers or anything, have you?" Olivia asks. Cricket shakes her head. "That's not exactly my style, no." Olivia looks perplexed. "You said Paul has a similar rash? Maybe you caught it from him--has he been in any questionable environments?" She thinks for a moment. "Wait--there was that pregnancy test of Phyllis's that we fished out of the trash the other day at her house." "Ew," Olivia says. "You just picked it up with your bare hands?" Cricket nods. "It was necessary evidence." "Well, you should use rubber gloves--or at least wash your hands afterward." Cricket looks embarrassed. "We were so caught up in the moment, I guess we weren't paying attention to what we were doing," Cricket explains. Olivia nods and says, "And then you touched your hands to your face and it spread..."

Michael and Phyllis are at the diner. "Wait until you see what I've got planned for paying you, Michael... you remember the retainer I gave you?" Michael laughs. "Phyllis, you told me we were two of a kind. If that's so, there's more to this than meets the eye." Phyllis sighs. "Ok, ok. I admit it. What I really need is to be pregnant... fast... like yesterday. I think a baby is my best chance of holding onto Danny." "But you said he found out you cheated on the paternity tests the last time--don't you think it'll be even tougher to fake the results now?" "Maybe, but I'll worry about that then. First, let's get me pregnant." Michael laughs again. "Well, I think my boss is going to want a little more than sex for payment, but me--I've been in prison too long to say `no' to this offer, even if I do think your plan is full of holes. Where to? Back to your house?" "How about a hotel?" Phyllis says. "Danny might come by the apartment, and it could be... awkward." Michael nods understandingly and they get up to leave.

A person with a heavily bandaged face and a hospital robe approaches Paul as he stands in the waiting room. To his surprise, the figure comes up very close and whispers something in his ear. "You're next," the figure says. "Cricket?" The figure nods. "I'd never have recognized you. What's the verdict?" "Olivia thinks she's seen this kind of infection before--apparently it comes from handling that pregnancy test the other day and not washing afterward. She wants us to stay overnight here at the hospital--for `observation'." Paul sighs. "Overnight? Oh, all right. Let me get bandaged and I'll meet you in our `cell block'--we do get to stay together, right?" She nods and says in muffled tones through the gauze, "Yep. I'll see you upstairs."

"Wow, that's amazing," Diane says to the psychic consultant. "So if you know all that about me, can you tell me what's in my future?" The psychic sighs and says in one breath, "You'll marry Victor signing no pre-nup, he'll dump you, you'll decide to divorce but ask for no money because you can't quite get him out of your system and don't want to make waves in case you can later get back with him. The rest of your life will be a meaningless series of flings to pass the time, waiting for him to remarry you." "Really? You can forsee all of that? How much do I owe you for this prediction?" "Oh, it's no charge. No psychic power was consumed on this. Relationships with Victor are a veritable science--I'm just quoting what ALWAYS happens. If you can make something NEW happen, don't call me--call the World Inquisitor. 'cuz that'll be real news!" Diane sighs and hangs up.

A man with a bandage completely covering his face comes out of the elevator on another floor at Genoa City Memorial. By his unique taste in clothing, we know it to be Paul. He stops at the reception desk and says in muffled tones. "Excuse me. I'm looking for my wife? She looks just like me." The nurse at the desk nods and says "Oh, how nice that she won't be alone." She points down the hall. "Room 1313..." Paul wanders down the hall and peers in the door. It is dark in the room, but he can see a bandaged up woman in the bed. He enters the room, takes off his shoes, and climbs into bed. "Hello, honey," he says. Veronica mumbles something unintelligible through her facial bandages and willingly accepts Paul into her bed.

Paul gets up from the hospital bed saying "Wow, you were really something there. I hope they weren't really `observing' us. I'm going to go see if they have a shower to help me cool back down. I'll be back soon." Veronica hugs him and he goes on his way. Then she gets up and wanders out of the room. A few minutes later, Paul returns but finding no one in the bed gets confused. "Excuse me," he says to a passing nurse, "I'm looking for my wife. She looks just like me." "Oh, of course," says the nurse. "She's right in here." She points to a room two doors down where Cricket waits in bed. "Took you long enough!" she says, then notices he's wet. "Oh, I see, you stopped to get a shower along the way. How thoughtful!" Paul's head perks up and looks at the camera. We imagine the bandages occlude a face every bit as perplexed as Sharon's husband's had been in the episode your ever-loving AWO author borrowed this setup from.

It's the middle of the night in the hospital. The hallway is dark. Suddenly we hear Cricket's voice, "You WHAT? .... ACCIDENTALLY? ... PAUL, I can't believe you couldn't tell ... OUT! .... I DON'T CARE. OUT!" Paul comes slinking out and peeks in doors along the hall until he finds an empty room to take refuge in.

At her home, at the break of dawn, Phyllis sits up in bed as she waits for her pregnancy test to work. "A PLUS!" she says loudly. Joani enters. "Mrs. Romalotti, are you all right? It's awfully early in the morning..." "I'm pregnant, Joani! I really am!" "By that new man--Michael?" "No, it couldn't be him--it's too soon--it must be Danny. Finally!" "Well, that's great, Mrs. Romalotti, that changes everything, right?" "Maybe... but I have to play my cards just right... Danny will never believe me at this point, unless..."

Later that morning, Cricket (still bandaged) awakens with a shriek and jumps out of the bed. Where she had been, there's an octopus. Phyllis stands in the doorway. "Sorry, Christine. I couldn't resist a nostalgic moment to think about old times," she says. "I can't believe you did this!" Cricket says. "Well, word along the ward is that your husband can't tell the difference between you and ..." "He's a detective! He CAN tell the difference," Cricket sputters. "Well, if he can tell the difference," Phyllis says, "then maybe he just prefers a substitute. Remember the last time it happened that he preferred a subsitute? I thought the octopus would help jog your memory--I went out specially to get it even. Sorry, there were no real ones available in this town, so you'll have to settle for a toy one." Cricket looks around for something to throw, but finds nothing that isn't nailed down. "Relax, relax," Phyllis says. "I come in peace. I have a proposition for you..."

Kurt, dressed only in a loincloth, is asleep on a bed of nails in a back room of St. Kurt's medical facility. The only illumination comes from a nearby stained glass window. (In the window are icons that tell the story of his building of St. Kurt's and the salvation of the entire neighborhood that ensued.) The phone rings and Kurt sits up to answer it. "Hello?" "Kurt, it's Hope. I need you." "But I thought you were taking a three month vacation to Kansas to get away from me." "Not you--life in Genoa City. Mostly Victor. But I got here and I found that in my absence Victor's people have transformed my farm into an animal testing center for Jabot cosmetics!" Kurt's jaw drops. "But I thought you said he'd arranged for them to be cared for and fed," he protests. "He did--but apparently they're all wearing bizarre fragrances, too." "I could kill that man," Kurt says, totally forgetting his recent saintly conversion. "Kurt, I know you miss your days as a Navy SEAL, but this is not a time for vengeance--the animals barely recognize me. I need you HERE, not out evening the score with Victor." Kurt nods acceptingly. "Ok. Did I ever mention that before I was a doctor, I practiced on animals--uh, that didn't come out right--I mean to say, I was a veterinarian and animal psychologist?" "No, Kurt, you never mentioned that," Hope admits. "But I'm sure it'll come in handy over the next three months."

"A proposition?" Cricket says. "I'll bet. Whatever you have to offer me, I'm sure it's fraudulent or illegal." "I know you think the worst of me Christine, but hear me out. I found I'm pregnant this morning... and it could only be Danny's." "So you want to make a deal about the divorce--get Danny to cancel it? He'll never agree to that. He knows your schemes." "No, this isn't a scheme, Cricket. I told Danny I'm reformed and I am. This is an offering of love, nothing more." "Offering of...?" "I want you to carry the baby, Cricket. I know you and Paul aren't making much headway on having kids--word around the hospital is that he's impotent for some reason. A car accident? Well, that's none of my business. But look, you could carry the child for me. Call it Paul's--or tell Danny it's his, and maybe Danny will want you back. It's something I want to do for Danny--see that his child is not raised by me. Because I know he wouldn't want me to be raising it." "You'd give up your child?" Cricket says, taken aback. "I would," Phyllis says solemnly. "Well, I'll think about it." "Don't think too long, Cricket. I'm told it's easiest to do now while it's early... and here we are in the hospital."

"Well, well, well, Diane Jenkins. What can I do for you?" Victor asks as Diane walks into his office. "Have you come to talk about these latest changes to the buildings. I can't quite figure them out. There are no windows on the towers where they face each other." Diane laughs. "That's because they're not facing each other," she explains. "They're standing back to back?" Victor asks. "It's a metaphor, Victor." "A metaphor?" "Yes, a metaphor." "For what? Have you turned your back on me?" "As you have so many times on me, yes. Victor, I can't marry you." "But Miss Jenkins, why would you not want to marry me?" Diane looks hesitant. "It's just that--I've always had a fantasy about what marriage would be like, and..." "Have I not showered you with enough diamonds?" he asks. "You have," she admits. "And flowers?" "Plenty," she says. "And trips abroad?" "Adequate," she says. "Then what, Miss Jenkins?" "It may seem silly, Victor, but I just don't love you." "But what more is there that you require?" "Intimacy, Victor." "But I have assumed we would save that for our wedding night, my future wife," Victor says. "No, not sex, Victor. Intimacy. All right, I'll just come right out and say it--I can't marry anyone who's not even on a first name basis with me. You've never called me by my first name--you don't call anyone by their first name. Not even your son." Victor looks abashed. "My boy," he mutters. She shakes her head. "Your boy. Your future wife. You see everything as a possession. I'm not marrying you, Victor, and that's that!" She hurries out. He rushes to the door. "Wait!" he calls, holding up the model of one of the Newman towers. "You can't go--you're still .... my architect." He trails off and sighs.

"Out, out! Everyone out!" Kurt says as he scurries around the clinic clearing all the rooms for his exit. "But I'm sick," says one last patient. "I'll be back in three months," Kurt says--"better than ever, they tell me." "But I won't--I'll be dead in three months! I'm terminally ill. You're my only doctor." says the patient, alarmed. "Oh, right," Kurt says. "That does pose a problem doesn't it." He thinks for a moment. "Well, just keep putting your payments under the front door as long as you can. I'll cash them when I get back." "But what if I don't hold out?" the patient says. "I know, it's a risk--that's why it's very, very important--" "To take my pills?" "NO! To sign ALL of your checks. Now come on, out--I have a plane to catch and it's a long walk to the airport," Kurt says, pulling the patient out the door with him and slamming the clinic door shut behind him.

It's later in the day. Phyllis is moping around the house. "What's the matter, Mrs. Romalotti. I thought you'd be thrilled about your pregnancy." "I'm not pregnant any more, Joani," Phyllis says. "You lost the child?" "No, I gave him or her up... to Cricket." "To Cricket!" "It's part of a very delicate plan, Joani--to show Danny I can do the right thing when--" The phone rings. It's Cricket. "Phyllis! I just had a phone call from Danny." "Did you tell him about the `transplant'?" "I was going to, but then he told me something that stunned me--he apparently just had tests and found that he's sterile--always has been." Phyllis gulps. "So, Phyllis, I just have to ask. This baby I'm now carrying--if it's not Danny's, whose is it? You lied to me Phyllis. Whose baby am I carrying?" "Now Cricket, just calm down. I met this guy--he's a really great guy. He's trustworthy, and smart, and VERY handsome... His name is Michael Baldwin." On the other end of the line, the phone is dangling from the table. Cricket has fainted.

That's all for this episode. Hope you learned something. Don't miss Episode 59!
If you missed any older episodes, see the index.

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