Episode 56, originally published 01-Aug-97

Naughty Notions

Veronica, face still in bandages and otherwise looking pretty much like death warmed over, is wheeled in to Dr. Landers' office to be examined. "Ah, you must be Veronica Doe," the receptionist says. They told us to expect you. Veronica wheezes something incomprehensible and makes a forward and back rocking motion with her upper body. The receptionist takes this for an affirmative response and buzzes Joshua. "Ms. Doe is here, Doctor." Joshua comes out a moment later and sees her but does not recognize her. Veronica's eye widens with recognition, but having only one eye visible and being as beaten up as she is, this does nothing to tip him off. He blithely grabs the wheelchair and pushes it into his office...

After commercial, and presumably a short while later, Nikki enters Dr. Josh's reception area. "Oh, hello, Mrs. Landers," the receptionist says. "He's with a patient right now." Nikki looks at her watch with a slight pout. "He's supposed to be ready to take me to dinner," she remarks. "Well, it is his last patient for the day, but this patient will probably run just a bit long." Nikki sighs, sits, and pulls out a cellular phone.

"Mrs. Sterling's residence," Esther answers. Nikki says, "Hi, Esther, it's Nikki Landers. Is Katherine there?" "I'm sorry, Mrs. Landers. She's at--oh, that's right, I'm not supposed to say." "It's ok, Esther. I'm sure that means she's at Victor and Diane's wedding." "Yes, ma'am. But I wasn't supposed to let on because Mrs. Sterling said you might be upset by the idea of Victor marrying again so soon. Please don't tell her I told you." Nikki looks visibly tense, but tries not to show it. "Oh, no, Esther. I understand. Thank you..." She presses the "off" button on the cell phone to disconnect. Next she tries Nick and Sharon's. Miguel answers. "Sr. y Sra. Newman's house," Miguel answers. "Oh, hello, Miguel, I was looking for Nicholas." "I'm afraid he's not here right now--he's probably at the--" "--at his father's wedding," she finishes. He nods and makes a dutifully apologetic look at the phone, even though she is not there to see it. "Yes, I'm afraid that's right." "And Victoria--?" she asks. "Also unavailable, Mrs. Landers. Is there something I can help you with?" "No, Miguel. I was just--checking in. Just let them know I called." "Certainly," he says, and they both disconnect wordlessly.

Inside Dr. Josh's office, Veronica's knees are covered by a sheet and Dr. Josh's voice comes from behind. "You know," he says. "You look very familiar. Were you ever a patient of mine?" She grunts something unintelligible. He pokes his head up and smiles. "Well, looks like you're lucky--for as much as your head got banged around, your reproductive plumbing seems to be in fairly prime shape. I'll have an orderly come by and wheel you back to your room..." He exits the office and says to his receptionist. "You can get someone to wheel Ms. Doe back to her room." She nods and proceeds to dial up the request in background as Josh notices Nikki. "Well, hello," he says. "Hello, josh-you-wah," she says. "It's about time you got done--you promised to take me to dinner quite some time ago," she reminds him teasingly. "Oh, right--to distract you from--" "Don't say it," Nikki says. "That bad?" he asks. "Well, I've been on the phone to other people to distract me but it seems everyone is out for--" "The other event," says Joshua. Nikki nods. "Even Jack seems to be there, if you can believe that!" she says.

An orderly passes Nikki and Josh and comes wheeling Veronica out. Nikki sees Veronica and suddenly screams a horrified scream. Then, just as suddenly, she grabs a knife from a nearby table and moves to attack Veronica. "Veronica! You stay away from my husband, do you hear?" Veronica holds up her hands to defend herself but in the chair she's in a position of weakness. Joshua restrains Nikki, offering room for Veronica to stand and sort of limp out of the room. A short way into the hallway, she falls, but gets up and continues to limp another step or two, then passes out. Joshua, who can't see what's happened to Veronica from where he stands, hands Nikki to the orderly and says "Hold her" as he rushes off to check on Veronica. Nikki flails frustratedly saying "Let me go, let me go."

At the wedding, the minister is rambling on and on with niceties about weddings and their sacred wonderfulness and their lifelong nature that we know to be inappropriate for Victor and are found wondering why they bothered to include. Fortunately, though, we haven't had to listen from the beginning. Amidst it all, Victor's cell phone rings. The minister looks confused but goes on. Diane glares at Victor. Neil raises an eyebrow. Jack chuckles quietly. Jill shakes her head knowingly. Keith looks to Jill and tries to interpret her reaction. Ashley mutters "uh oh". Hope nudges Jack and whispers "what's that phone ringing?" Victor finally reaches into his tux and pulls out a cell phone. "Yes, Hello? ... I see. ... Yes, I'll handle it.." He hangs up. The minister has gotten to the point of asking if anyone knows just cause why these two should not be married, etc. Victor says "I do." The minister stops and looks puzzled. "Uh, that's your line but you'll be saying that in just a little while--not quite yet," the minister coaches. Victor looks to Diane. "Look, I don't have time to explain now, but I have to go somewhere. Just--uh,--go on without me, ok, and I'll try to be back as soon as I can, ahright?" He doesn't wait for a reply and rushes out.

Seemingly an instant later, Victor enters Dr. Josh's office. He's still wearing a very fancy shirt and bow-tie, but has traded his tux jacket for a black leather rescue jacket--presumably part of the automatic clothing change accomplished on the batpole on his way. "Oh, Victor," Nikki says. "I'm so glad you're here." "I got here as quickly as I could," he says reassuringly. "What's this about that Joshua fella's ex-wife returning from the dead?" Josh enters from the hall, propping up a limping Veronica on one shoulder. "Look," says Nikki, "it's Veronica." "You're a friend of Ms. Doe's?" the receptionist asks. "She's not Ms. Doe. She's Mrs. Landers," Nikki corrects her. Joshua, who has just set her on a chair, steps back in shock. "What are you talking about, Nikki? My wife is long dead." "You described her to me yourself," Nikki says. "You said she was heavily deteriorated after months of decomposition at the bottom of a pond--that's just what this woman looks like! How many people do you suppose there are that match that description?" Dr. Josh stares at her. "Veronica? Is she right? Is that really you?" Veronica breathes something unintelligible. "Of course, it's true, you scum," says Victor. "It's plain to anyone's eye that this woman is pond scum, and you are rightly married to her. But you have caused Nikki here to enter into some farce of a marryage when you were already married. You are both scums and belong together!! I warned you Joshua, and now you will pay the penalty of my wrath!" As he grabs Nikki by the hand, we notice a sly smile on Veronica's face but Joshua is still completely baffled by what has just happened.

At the chapel, Victor and Nikki enter but everything has mostly emptied out. Mary Williams and Katherine Chancellor are sipping coffee together in one corner. "Mr. Newman," says Mary. "It was really a lovely wedding." "I don't believe we've met," Victor says, confused. "Oh, I'm sorry--I'm Mary Williams. You perhaps know my husband Carl Williams?" "Oh, yes, the fella that helped me rescue Cassandra Rawlins some years back," Victor says. "Haven't seen him since." "Neither have I, I'm sorry to say," Mary replies sadly. "But I try to keep busy by attending weddings, funerals, that sort of thing. Today was truly lovely." "What are you talking about," Victor says. "I left in the middle." Katherine chimes in, "Oh, that's ok. Jack Abbott stepped in and married Diane--and I see you've reunited with your beloved Nikki, so it looks like everything has worked out best for everyone." Victor turns to Nikki. "Look, I'm going to stop by my apartment to pick up some things and then I'll come by the ranch, ok?" She nods happily and they kiss.

Nikki punches up a number on the cell phone. It rings for a while. Finally, Miguel answers on a cell phone from Sharon and Nick's house, where there is apparently some kind of overflow party from Jack and Diane's wedding. Nick, Sharon, Cole, Victoria, Grace, Cassie, and Miguel are present. "Landers residence," Miguel answers. "No, it's not," says Nikki. "It turns out that Josh-you-wah and I were never legally married. I'm going to go back to calling myself Mrs. Newman, Miguel. Please have the locks at the house changed ... oh, and the sheets in the master bedroom." "Very good, Mrs. Newman. Will there be anything else?" "Not right now, thank you, Miguel." They both hang up. "Wow, that was a neat trick, Miguel. How did you know what to answer the phone?" Sharon asks. He opens his jacket to show an array of cell phones. "They each have a distinctive ring," he explains. "And I have MCI One, which allows me to have all my calls forwarded to me wherever I am--in any of your homes, or while I am out riding horses." "That's pretty neat," Nick says, not understanding a word of it. Miguel says, "Well, I must go up to the main house and prepare for the return of Mr. and Mrs. Newman--apparently Dr. Landers was never really legally married to your mother." "Really?!" asks Victoria. "That's wonderful news. I wish I weren't going to Europe for six months so I could be here to celebrate!" "Don't worry, sis," Nick says. "We'll do plenty of celebrating for you while you're gone." "I'd better be going, too," says Grace suddenly. "Do I have to go?" Cassie asks. Grace looks to Sharon. "She can stay and ride horses if she wants." Grace nods, happy to be freed of the need to care for Cassie right now. "Ok. Be good."

On the way to the main house, Grace asks Miguel--"Uh, I have a little favor to ask of you--it's for a--uh,--surprise." "Certainly, Grace," Miguel says in his ever-obliging neutral way. "What can I do to help?" "Well, when Nikki arrives--could you--maybe--tell her that Noah is sick and ask her if she could head over to Nick and Sharon's?" "Ah, so that she'll stumble in on the party." "Uh, something like that, yes." "Consider it done."

A short while later, Nikki arrives at the house, presumably a few minutes ahead of Victor. Miguel, who is just coming downstairs from having changed the sheets, goes toward the door to answer it. As he does, Grace sneaks up the stairs. Miguel opens the door and says, "Good evening, Sra. Newman. Here's your new key." He hands her the key. "Thanks, Miguel." "Oh, and I have a message for you--apparently little Noah is feeling under the weather. Could you possibly drop by Nicholas and Sharon's as quickly as possible?" Nikki glances at her watch but decides that since Victor isn't yet there, she will. "Ok. But I'm expecting Victor--if he asks about me, please tell him I won't be long." "Of course," Miguel says as she rushes out the back door.

Victor enters without having to have a new key. "Sr. Newman, I see your master key matches the new lock I put in," Miguel says with a smile as he greets him. "Yes, very well done as usual, Miguel." "Thank you, sir, will there be anything else?" Miguel asks. "No, thank you, Miguel," Victor says as he heads upstairs. The lights are dimmed and a lone candle is glowing. In the bed is a blonde under some covers. "Well, well, well. Sparing no time," Victor mumbles with a smile. He blows out the candle.

A few minutes later, Nikki comes upstairs and turns on the light. Victor looks up to see her, puzzled. Grace also sits up. "What in the world?" Nikki says in surprise. "Mrs. Landers!" Grace says. "Newman, actually," Nikki says. "I seem to be in the wrong bed. What a horrible accident," Grace remarks as casually as possible. "Accident!?" Nikki exclaims, outraged. Victor just looks confused and is, for once, silent. "Of course it's an accident--ask your son--these kinds of accidents DO happen," Grace says as she quickly grabs some clothes and starts to rush out. "My son?" Nikki asks skeptically as Grace dives past her and heads out of the room. "Yes, your son. Nicholas Newman," Grace says as she heads down the stairs. Both Victor (in boxers and a sleeveless t-shirt drenched in sweat) and Nikki follow down the hall with shocked looks on their faces as Grace heads downstairs. She stops at the base of the stairs one last time to look up at them and say, "Just sit him down and tell him you heard it's possible to accidentally sleep with the wrong person. I'm sure he'll agree and will have an interesting story to tell. Anyway, I appreciate all your hospitality, but I really have to go now--I'm sure Cassie's getting quite sleepy by now. Thanks for everything--especially you, Victor--for an old guy, ... well, I guess it's like they say: like father like son--you really had it in you. Bye!"

That's all for this episode. Hope you learned something. Don't miss Episode 57!
If you missed any older episodes, see the index.

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