Episode 5, originally published 12-Nov-96

Dark Humor

Ryan is with Victor. Victor says, "I told you to stay away from `my sweetheart'." Ryan corrects him, "Victoria. Her name is Victoria. Why do you insist on referring both to your daughter and to your ex-wives as `your beauty' or `your sweetheart'. You're sick, Mr. Newman, seriously sick." Victor's anger rises. "Listen here, punk. You pack your kimono and polish up your chopsticks because it's going to be Taiwan for you this Christmas."

Joanie is cleaning Phyllis's room. She finds a stray video tape stacked with some papers, unlabeled. She pops it into the drive and sits stunned, watching it as we disappear to commercial.

Back to Ryan and Victor. "Sorry, Mr. Newman, but I won't be taking transfer orders from you any more. You've been in control around here long enough and it's time for the tide to turn. I'm calling the shots now, not you. One word of backtalk from you, and Victoria has promised me she will not only swear you off as her father, but will reveal to the press and the police a report about how you kissed her when she was at your house recently." Victor looks embarrassed and the screen gets fuzzy as we see flashbacks of Episode 4 of Another Way Out. "She said that was going to be our little secret," Victor mumbles unintelligibly. Ryan, unperturbed by the routine inability to understand anything Victor says, cackles on, "It's all in the family, Dad. So just play along and everything's going to be fine. Now, just to test our understanding, I want someone fired. How about Neil..." Victor looks shocked. "I can't do that! He writes some of our best reports." "As you like," says Ryan shrugging and starting to dial 911 on the phone. "Ahright, ahright. I get the message, ok? But I'll get even with you, Ryan McNeil. It'll be a cold day in Hell before I ever call you `my boy'..."

Cut to Neil, obviously working under heavy deadline stress. His latest report isn't ready. He keeps looking at his watch as he types away desperately at his console. Victor walks in. "Tell me the report is ready because I have to have it now, ok?" "It's not ready, Mr. Newman. But I'm working on it." "Too late, Neil. I can't have this kind of tardiness. You're fired," Newman says grumpily. "You're kidding, right?" Neil says, dumbfounded. "Do I look like I'm kidding?" Victor asks. He continues, "you hired that Ryan McNiel fella and he's turned out to be a disaster. Now you're late with a report. You know how important reports are to our work here. Without reports, we couldn't do business. And you haven't got one, so we're not doing business with you. Now get outa here before I have to call you a punk."

Joanie is still watching the tape, which is just ending. She punches `stop' and sits there, jaw fallen open, looking slightly flushed. "Wow," she says in awe. She is shocked out her reverie (or perhaps outright fantasy) by the sound of Phyllis coming in the door bawling and breaking things. Joanie rushes to return the tape to its original location and then zips to the living room to find out what's up with Phyllis. "Mrs. Romalatti, are you ok?" Joanie asks. Phyllis stops in mid-swing of her purse toward a vase. "Do I look ok? Little Danny died." "That's terrible, Mrs. Romalatti. I know how you loved him." "Joanie, forget the kid! What am I going to do to keep a hold over Danny?" Both look pensive as we cut to commercial.

Dru enters ready to confront Neil about her new job. He starts the discussion before she can, though. "Dru, about that modeling opportunity." She puts on a determined face, "Yeah, it's about time we talk," she says. Neil nods and replies, "Word travels fast." "I'm sorry we didn't talk about this earlier," she says. "Well, you could be a little more sympathetic Dru. It only happened this afternoon." She realizes they're not talking about the same thing and clams up. "So you go first," she says. "I'm not good at this," he says. "No, you're not," she says, still not knowing what the problem is but sensing he needs a good helping of humble pie. "But now that I've lost my job maybe you can--" "You lost your job?" she says with great surprise. "You lost your job?" she repeats. (She winks into the camera with a "hey, this is going to be fun after all" look as we cut away to commercial.)

Joanie and Phyllis are still thinking. "I've got it," Joanie says. "I'm pregnant by Danny now," she admits. Phyllis looks startled. "You are?" "Of course I am," she says. "You don't think he'd be able to stay all those times at the house, through Little Danny's illness and all, with you running around in skimpy clothes and not want to satisfy himself somehow do you? He comes to me." "Oh, my God, Joanie, I had no idea!" Phyllis exclaims. "Really, it's not a problem, Mrs. Romalatti. It's just one of the many things I've found to do for you as part of my full-time unpaid role here in your house." Phyllis nods as if this makes sense. "Anyway, I could carry my baby to term while perhaps you could pretend to be pregnant. When my baby was born I could switch it over to be yours. This one would have Danny's DNA." Phyllis thinks some more as we cut to more commercials.

"You lost your job," Dru repeats for the viewers who just tuned in after the commercial. "The job that was going to carry us into eff'ing retirement? The one that was going to feed us long after my so-called fly-by-night job was done and gone??" Neil nods meekly, "Well, yes..." She smiles and grabs a ruler from the desk nearby. She pushes him onto the couch and slaps the ruler soundly against the table. "Well, you just listen here Mr. Knuckledragger Winters, 'cuz Mama Dru's gonna tell you how it is. First of all, I *took* that job and I'm gonna keep it. So we ain't gonna hurt for money. Second of all, I want breakfast ready at dawn when I get up for my morning shoot, and Lily, the laundry, and the dish washing will be your responsibility. Last, I want you dressed in something real cute when I come home and you serve us--me and Lily--dinner. In return, all I want is for you to understand that I love you and now that I happen to be the one making the money and you ain't, I really appreciate the generous and self-sacrificing way in which you are gonna accept that this is just the way it will stay forever. Maybe you can even organize us one of those little parties with Malcolm and Olivia where we toast to this wonderful permanent sacrifice you're gonna be making. Yeah..."

Joanie says, "So I'll have Danny's baby and then give it to you. After all, it will save me having to get an abortion." Phyllis nods, "Good point, Joanie! ... But won't Danny know he never had sex with me?" Joanie shakes her head. "I know someone who can take this picture of Danny on the table here and use some fancy computer graphics to morph the face onto that video tape I found of you and Tim..." "Oh, Joanie, that'll never work," Phyllis complains. "It might work for the face, but Danny's not as--" "Oh, don't worry about that, Mrs. Romalatti. It doesn't matter if he really is. He THINKS he is. The scenes will match his inflated self-image." They giggle. Phyllis gets suddenly concerned, "But what if Danny notices you pregnant during all this time?" Joanie smiles, "don't worry about that, Mrs. Romalatti. If he comes over, I'll just always stand behind a lamp or a couch or something; that always works." Phyllis nods. "Ok, let's do it."

As the show closes, Victor Sr. is sitting with Vic Jr. who is playing with a set of blocks. Hope enters and Vic Jr. looks up. "Mommy, Mommy, Mr. Newman taught me a song. Do you want to sing it for you?" Hope looks surprised but pleased. "Yes, honey, let's hear it." "Ok," says the child, "A-B-C-D-E-F-G H-I-J-K LMNOP Q-R-S T-U-V W-Former-Y and Z..."

That's all for this episode. Hope you learned something. Don't miss Episode 6!
If you missed any older episodes, see the index.

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