Episode 34, originally published 09-Apr-97

Excess and Failure

Nina, Cole, Ryan, and Victoria are together on a blanket in a field near the Newman household. Vikki spins a soda bottle that sits between them. It stops, pointing to her husband. She kisses him. Ryan takes the bottle and spins it. It stops, pointing to Victoria. They kiss. Nina spins the bottle. It points to Victoria. "Ick! I'm spinning again," she says. She does and it points to Ryan. She kisses him again. Cole spins the bottle. It points to Nina. They kiss. Vikki spins it and it points to Ryan. They kiss. Ryan spins it, and it points to his wife. They kiss. This goes on for a very, very long time. Finally, Cole has a realization that the Y&R writers have never had. "Hey," he says. "This is boring." Nodding in strong agreement, all get up to leave, each vowing never to play this stupid game again.

Ashley and Kurt are seated beside each other on a Transglobal flight from Genoa City International Airport to Cape Cod International Airport. "My friend Kurt the Doctor," says Ashley proudly. "Well, I--" Kurt starts to protest, when a voice on the speaker interrupts. "This is your captain speaking. Folks, I'm afraid there's going to be a small delay in our arrival at Cape Cod International Airport. It's nothing to be concerned about, but we're going to be flying out over the ocean a ways and we invite you to spend a few pleasant moments refreshing yourselves with the use of our water flotation equipment. Also, the flight attendants will be coming by to offer you parachutes--don't worry, you're not required to take one. The price is $5 if you're flying in coach, and they are of course complimentary for our Ransom Class customers. Ashley looks worriedly to Kurt. "Sounds like they're hiding something," she says. Kurt nods. "Could be." "I'd better go see if they need my help," she says. "Ashley, I'm not so sure--" he starts to say, but then realizing it will mean a little time alone at last, he adds, "uh, never mind."

The phone rings outside Victor's office at Newman Enterprises. Connie answers. "Hello?" "I'm trying to reach Victor--is he in?" the man at the other end inquires. "Who may I say is calling?" Connie asks. "Tell him it's Bill, returning his call." "Oh, hello, Mr. Gates. Mr. Newman is out of the office right now. Can I take a message?" "Yes, please. Tell him that Seattle is not for sale. However, if all he wants is my help in keeping his son from moving to Seattle, I might be willing to deal." "You might?" Connie asks. "Tell him if he'll consider upgrading all those 286's in Newman Enterprises to something more compatible with my new NT operating system, I'll consider it." "That's all you want? Just a few upgrades?" "Ma'am, I don't know what planet you've been living on but this is no small thing for me to ask. There are a lot of 286's still running at your company--in fact, it's a substantial support headache for us maintaining the old software you're running after this many years. Still, if he wants his son badly enough, he'll deal. Just see that he gets the message."

Kurt is reading a magazine when Ashley returns from the plane's cabin. She looks pale. When back in her seat, she whispers to Kurt. "They didn't want to tell me but I told them I was determined to stay until I found out what was going on, and, well, my reputation as a no nonsense business woman must have preceded me because they gave in right away. Kurt, there's a nuclear bomb on board. It's pressure sensitive and will be detonated by an attempt to land. They're taking us out to sea so that the explosion won't happen over a populated area!" Kurt gets up from his seat. "Kurt!" Ashley says to him in a quiet but urgent tone. "They'll just tell you what they told me... if even that much." Kurt laughs feebly. "I was headed for the lavatory," he says. "Oh," says Ashley. "Sorry, I guess I shouldn't have just blurted it out like that." Kurt shakes his head and heads up the aisle, but he doesn't go to the lavatory. Thinking no one is looking, he ducks into the flight attendants' supply elevator that leads to the cargo area below. Ashley sees him and follows.

Malcolm, Olivia, Dru, and Neil are together around a card table at the Winters' apartment. Neil spins a beer bottle that sits between them. It stops, pointing to his wife. He kisses her. Dru takes the bottle and spins it. It stops, pointing to Malcolm. They kiss. Malcolm spins the bottle. It points to Neil. "Yo, bro! Time to spin agin!" he says. He does and it points to Dru. He kisses her again. Olivia spins the bottle. It points to Malcolm. They kiss. Neil spins it and it points to Olivia. They kiss. Dru spins it, and it points to her husband. They kiss. This goes on for a very, very long time. Finally, Olivia has a realization that the Y&R writers have never had. "Hey," she says. "This is boring." Nodding in strong agreement, all get up to leave, each vowing never to play this stupid game again.

The cargo hold. Kurt sees flight attendants inspecting a large crate. "Can I be of help?" he asks. The taller man laughs. "Sure, if you're an expert in nuclear bombs and sophisticated electronic triggers." Kurt blushes. "Well, I used to be. It's been almost a year since I disarmed anything this complex, though." The men back away and Kurt examines it. Satisfied that he understands the mechanism, he starts to cut one of the wires when suddenly he hears a familiar voice behind him. "Kurt!" It's Ashley. Kurt's hand slips with the scissors and he almost cuts the wrong wire. "Put a sock in it, Ashley. Can't you see I'm busy disarming a thermonuclear device?" "Oh, sorry," she says meekly. Kurt starts to cut the wire again. Just as he's about to, he hears, "Katherine!" He stops cold and turns to glare at Ashley, who is holding a cell phone. "You'll never guess where I am! I tell you, Kurt is such an amazing man..." Kurt yanks the phone from her. "Katherine, this is Kurt. She'll have to call you back." He takes the phone and steps on it. Then he goes back to cutting the wire.

As Kurt cuts the wire, the clock on the bomb stops and everyone breathes a sigh of relief. "Great! Now we can return to Boston safely," Ashley announces, as if suddenly an expert in these matters. One by one they take the elevator to the main level of the plane. Kurt and Ashley go up last, and join the flight attendant who has gone to the front cabin to tell the captain the good news. But when they get there, they are disappointed. The crew has been shot, and the plane is on autopilot, apparently headed away from Boston. "Now what?" Ashley says in a panic. "Kurt, we're going to die!" Kurt sighs and pushes her aside. "I'd hoped I wouldn't have to reveal that I was once a skilled pilot," he mutters. He pushes the pilot's limp body out of the chair and replaces him, then smoothly turns around the plane. "Flight attendants, cross-check and prepare for landing," he says into a microphone.

Victor, Hope, and Nikki are together around a large oak table at Victor's apartment. Nikki looks apprehensive. "Is this going to work? I thought you needed at least four people to play Spin The Bottle." "Trust me, it can be played with any number of players," says Victor. "And besides, Ashley could not be here because she is away with that Kurt Kostner fellow." Nikki spins the bottle and it comes up pointing toward Hope. "Very funny," Victor says. "Now you have to spin it again," he explains. "But if you do that, won't it just come up pointing to you?" Hope asks. "Never mind about that. You won't know until you try it now, will you?" Hope spins the bottle. It comes up pointing at Victor. "Spin again," says Nikki. "It's not pointing to Victor?" "Nope," says Nikki, lying. She puts her finger over her mouth to tell Victor to be quiet and climbs into his lap, kissing him passionately. Hope spins again. "How about now?" Nikki comes up for air. "Nope. Try again." Just then, the doorbell rings. "I'll get it," Hope says, getting up from the game. It's Diane. Hope leads her in and explains they are playing Spin the Bottle.

"Oh, Kurt, my hero!" Ashley mutters. "Now everything will be ok." "Not quite," says Kurt. "Not quite?" asks the flight attendant. "Please strap in, we're about to land," Kurt says. "Oh, right," the man says, and does as Kurt says. When the man is strapped in, Kurt locks the steering wheel and whips out of his chair. In one smooth motion, he kicks the man in the chin, knocking him unconscious. "Take his gun," Kurt says. "His gun?" Ashley asks. "But aren't we about to land?" "Soon, but not that soon. This is the man who shot the flight crew. My skills as a private detective told me that he was not a real flight attendant when he didn't seem aware of when to strap in. I think you'll find he's got a gun, and he was planning to shoot me before I could land the plane."

"I can't believe you're playing such a boring game," Diane says. "Well, what would you suggest?" Nikki asks. Diane pulls out a handkerchief and blindfolds Victor. Victor looks excited. Diane whispers "shhh!" to Victor. "Just sit still," she says, as she ties his arms to the chair with the tablecloth. "This game is called Hope," she says. "Because now I'm like Hope and can't see what's going on?" Victor says. Diane shakes her head. "No, Victor," says Diane. "Because you get to hope we'll come back and untie you later." She turns to Nikki and says, "I can't believe you keeping coming back to this guy. Just take his credit card and let's go shopping." Nikki nods and grabs Victor's whole wallet. "You're right, this is a lot less boring than that stupid game we were playing before," Hope admits. "Thank goodness you came along and saved us--we could have been spinning our wheels--" "And our bottles," Nikki interjects. "--for a long time."

Ashley searches the man and finds the gun. She sits back and breathes a big sigh of relief. "NOW it's over," she says. "Are you kidding?" Kurt says, "This is just the tip of the iceberg. I used to be a Pulitzer-prize-winning novelist. It's not over until we do the book, the movie, the sequel to the movie, and maybe a third sequel. And then there's the merchandising. Action figures, t-shirts, mouse pads and screen savers, ... Did I mention I used to be Vice President of sales and marketing at ..." Lights fade, and the music (no, NOT "Bless the Beasts"! "We've only just begun", of course) plays.

That's all for this episode. Hope you learned something. Don't miss Episode 35!
If you missed any older episodes, see the index.

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