Episode 17, originally published 25-Jan-97

Dust Funnies

Kurt is sitting on the couch brooding over the numerous mementos of a perfect marriage scattered about the room. His ghost wife, Linda (with an L) seats herself comfortably at the other end of the couch while his ghost daughter Sarah (with an S) mills around the room. He pats the couch, inviting S to come sit in between him and L. However, before she has a chance to respond in the stereotypically perfect way that only a dead daughter's ghost could, Helen enters and sees his gesture. She responds with the reverent allegiance you'd expect of someone who's weekly and without solicitation dusted the abandoned house of a grief-stricken neighbor. "Why of course, Kurt, I'd be happy to come sit with you. Look, here, I brought you some tea." He smiles feebly, deciding not to admit straight out that he had been motioning to someone more translucent. "Thanks, Helen," he says as she sets a cup of hot tea in front of him and seats herself at his side. "Are you ready to talk about it?" she asks. He looks at her as if to reply, but then stops abruptly as if to say "can the audience hear me with the FF button depressed that way?" Apparently the director concurs because an abrupt snippet of canned music signals the welcome relief of an oncoming commercial for those whose tired thumbs have slipped from the button.

Victor is with Nick in his office. They have obviously been at it for a while. "I OWN this company, do you hear? NO major decision is made around here unless -I- make it," Victor shouts. Nick, fed up to the gills, says "Oh yeah? Well, -I- quit. You gonna tell me I can't make THAT decision for myself? Or is it just that you don't think that's a major issue?" Victor is rendered speechless for a moment, so Nick continues. "Never mind. I know you already think that nothing I do is a major issue. I'm just a kid, right? And so I'll always be. You won't change until the day you die... So I either sit around and hope for that lucky day, or I get out--NOW!" He heads out the door as the fuming Victor finally speaks, yelling after him. "You can't quit because you're fired. You hear that? You're--" He siezes up and falls to the floor.

Helen has been telling a long story to Kurt. Mercifully, the commercial has kept us from hearing part of it. At open, she is just finishing. "So that's when I realized that my Freddy was having an affair with your Linda. You remember I came and talked to you about it--and what you advised--that I should cast all evil from my life?" "Helen, I was eating leftover chinese food at the time--I think that little remark was from the fortune cookie." She looks disappointed. "Well, it seemed like good advice to me. And so I did it..." "You did what?" he asks. "I got rid of Freddy and Linda. I arranged for twin car accidents, one for Freddy and one for your wife. Sorry about the kid, though--poor planning on my part, I guess. But now that they're all gone, we can finally be together."

Cricket is finishing up a phone call to a client we'll presumably never see on the show. "Just tell them they have no right to be interfering with your life in that way. If they keep hounding you with nuisance lawsuits that way, tell them our people will counter-sue. ... Well, I don't know the grounds, but we have access to the world's best private investigation services, so I'm sure we can dig up some sort of dirt. The real point is to keep them scared. ... Oh, it's no trouble. That's what the legal aid office is for. ... You do? ... Well, you sure know how to flatter, but I couldn't leave my job here at legal aid--people here depend on me. ... Well, thank you, Mr. Presi--ok, thank you, Bill." Paul has entered while she is talking but has waited for her to hang up. "All set to tell my mother the big news?" Paul asks. Cricket nods. "I'm ready, but what about Exhibit A?" Paul grins. "In the car, Chris." He takes a deep breath. "This is going to be one heck of an evening--are you sure you're up to it?" "``am I sure I'M up to it''? You mean ``are WE sure WE'RE up to it''--this isn't something one can do alone," she says firmly. "Oh, I agree, Chris. We BOTH started it and there's no backing out now. So let's go break the good news to Mom....."

Kurt shakes his head at Helen. "Me? Stay here with you? It's not going to happen, Helen. I don't know why you're saying those things, but I know in my heart that you didn't kill those people." "You do?" He nods. "I do-- because -I- killed them. -I- arranged the car accident for those traitors. -I- am responsible. And now--" "And now," she says, "you're going to sleep. That tea I gave you was spiked with a strong sedative which should be taking effect just about..." Her head slumps to the table. "Sorry, but I switched the cups, Helen," he says to her motionless body. "Sleep well, while I prepare a little accident for you to have." Suddenly there is the sound of loud speakers outside--"Kurt Costner. This is the F.B.I (with an F). We have you surrounded, and your confession to Helen on tape. Come out with your hands up." He sighs, places his hands on his head, and moves toward the door.

The hospital. Victor's women (Nikki, Victoria, Ashley, Hope) are clustered around as a doctor comes out. "He's had a stroke and his speech centers seem to be affected. He may be able to hear you, but it could be months or years before he can speak." "Are you sure, doctor? Sometimes he speaks in a mumble and it's just hard to hear him," Nikki asks. The doctor shakes his head, "It's not that. He's been in and out of here for years and we're familiar with that problem. This is the real thing and is going to be a lot more complicated." "Now, you can visit, but let's go one at a time, ladies. I suggest reverse order of marriage." "Uh, I'm his daughter--I was never married to him," Victoria interjects. "Oh. Hmm. Well, why don't you go first then. Oh, and I'm afraid I'll have to certify him as incompetent to administer any business affairs, so you might want to talk to your family's lawyer about who has the legal right to run his company; I'm afraid it may be a long time, if ever, before he's up to that again..."

Mary Williams welcomes Paul and Cricket at the door and before they can get past the welcome mat, she is already at work grilling them. "Christine, Paul--you said you had news I'd been waiting forever to hear?" They nod in unison. "Paul,..." Cricket prompts. "No, you go ahead," Paul says. "OK," says Cricket. "Mary, you're going to be a grandmother." "Oh, Christine, you're pregnant!" Mary says with a happy squeal. "Not exactly," Cricket says. "You're about to get pregnant?" Mary asks, confused. "Uh, not exactly, Mom," Paul explains. Cricket finally blurts it out: "With our busy schedules, we're not really up to eighteen years of raising a child, and especially not a lot of diaper changing... Mary, meet our six-year-old adopted son, Alejandro." They stand aside as a six-year-old Hispanic child steps forward and proudly extends his hand to be shaken. "Hola, Abuela!" he says gleefully.

That's all for this episode. Hope you learned something. Don't miss Episode 18!
If you missed any older episodes, see the index.

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