Episode 119, originally published 24-Dec-98

Mix and Match

Mary and Charlie chill out and warm up to Carl and Ruth.
Katherine and Jill get down and dirty in a strange and complex game of give and take.
Alice and her ways, though not on the up and up, bring happiness and cheer.
Trisha and Meg close and lock the door on a painful and difficult problem.

In the courtroom, the judge is about to issue a ruling. "This is a difficult case," he says, "but I order it resolved in the following way. It seems to me that each of you owns an equal share in the house." Katherine looks to Jill and Jill to Katherine. Neither is very happy about this. The judge goes on. "Now, as to the matter of the fine for all these outbursts. The court fines each of you the value of your half of the house. So you are each left with nothing." Jill and Katherine are even less happy now. Icy looks of impending murderous behavior pass between them. There is stirring in the court like people are readying for the judge to bang the gavel. "Wait just a moment," the judge says. "I'm not finished. There is one more matter to discuss," he says ominously.

"Paul, Charlie and I have an announcement to make. I--" But Cricket, who is more important (or at least more self-righteous) than Mary, cuts in before she can say the rest. "Uh, Mrs. Williams, Paul and I also have an announcement to make. We--" But CBS, which is more important (or at least more self-righteous) than Cricket, cuts in before she can say the rest. "We interrupt this station to tell you about the latest tawdry detail in the Clinton saga. The President--" But your local affiliate station, which is more important (or at least more self-righteous) than CBS, cuts in before they can say the rest. "We interrupt this interruption to tell you about some local weather conditions of importance during this holiday season." This might be a good time to go get a drink of water.

* * *

Ah, you're back. Now where were we? The truth is, no one's keeping track and you'll just have to pick it up as best you can.

"But Trisha, you can't," says Meg. "What do you mean I can't?" she asks her sister. Meg opens the closet door and looks inside again. From inside there is muffled grunting. "Mmmmfph rrrrmmmp mmllllmmmrr mmmm mmrrrmmm." "Sis, are you sure he has enough air in there?" Megan asks. "Of course I'm sure, Meg. What do you think I am? Stupid? I'm not trying to kill him--I just want him out of the way for a few years, until he grows up and gets out of our lives." "But--but--won't he have to go to the bathroom?" Trisha smiles and gets an old videotape of Y&R from when Cricket was tied up by Mary Jo in the basement of Newman Enterprises. "Look," she says, pointing to the screen. "Cricket was tied up for a long time here and never had to go to the bathroom. I don't know how she did it, but if she can do it, Phillip can. Even if he's only half as smart as Ryan, which since he has only half Ryan's genes and the other half Nina's I guess he is, he'll still be pretty smart. Now will you please close that closet door and let me get back to celebrating my Christmas alone with Ryan?"

The hand of an elderly woman reaches out to push the doorbell at the Chancellor Estate. A moment later, the door swings open. "Yes, can I help you?" asks Beatrice as she steps forward from within. The camera swings around to reveal an uncomfortable Katherine standing outside. "I, uh, just came to visit and I--" "I'm sorry, Mrs. Chancellor," Beatrice says. "The house is mine now. The judge said so. He said I would do the public a service if I took it off his hands after he confiscated it from you two. That way, I wouldn't have to go on welfare or ask either of you for any more bribes. But now that I'm living here, there's really no place for you, if you know what I mean." "But--but--my memories--of my late husband." "Oh, Mrs. Chancellor, I'm really surprised that you have any memories at all of that time. When you get old, like you and me, you tend to forget so easily--well, you saw how easily it happened to me. And you can do the same. I'm sure they're not very pleasant memories either. So you're better off just letting go of them." "But can't I just come in and visit?" "I don't think that would be a very good idea," Beatrice says. Then she stops to think, as if reconsidering. "Wait a minute," she says. She thinks some more. "You know," she continues, "there is a way." "There is?" Katherine says, brightening. "Yes, you see, I need a laundry maid. Of course, I don't have any cash right now, so I wouldn't be paying you. But we could trade." "Trade?" "Yes, trade. You know. Barter. I give you something you want and you give me something I want."

In the living room, Mary pulls Paul aside, leaving Carl and Ruth and Charlie and Chris to chat amiably with one another. "Paul," she begins. "Son, I have a confession to make." "A confession?" "Yes, a confession. Now, you're my son, and I expect you to forgive me no matter what." "What do you mean `no matter what'? Mother, you're not going to tell me you knew about this...?" "Well, yes and no." "Yes and no? You knew Carl was still alive and you didn't--" "No, I didn't know he was still alive." "Ok, then what's the problem." "I thought he was dead." "So did I. So what's the problem?" "Well, the REASON I knew is that I... well, I paid to have him killed." "You WHAT??" Paul looks back over at the others, who haven't been listening but are looking puzzled. "Quiet down now," Mary says. "You're making a scene." "You paid to have my father killed?" "Well, apparently not." "What do you mean--you didn't pay to have him killed?" "No, I paid for something, but apparently I didn't get what I paid for. Now, look, Paul: I'm going to have that person I paid investigated--and don't worry, I won't make you do that--but the point is that Carl didn't die." "But Mom, all these years, you couldn't forget him." "Well, that's right. But we never really talked about it. And you have no idea how a paid execution weighs on one's mind--I didn't expect that. It took me a lot of work to get past that. And finally I did. And now you've brought me Carl as my Christmas present, but you see--I really don't want him. So I'd like you to take him back."

Katherine is still standing out in the cold talking to Beatrice. "Trade? My dear woman, what could you possibly have to trade that I would want?" Beatrice smiles. "Why, access to this house, of course. I think that's worth something to you. In fact, I think that's worth a great deal. And you have something I want." "Yes and what is that?" Katherine in an annoyed tone. "A strong back that hasn't been worn down by years of hauling laundry. I need someone to wash my clothes. First all of those I've been wearing out on the street. They've gotten very dirty out there. But then all of these beautiful gowns I've found in the closets of my mansions. I expect I'll be changing clothes many times a day, and I need someone to keep up with the wash." Katherine raises an eyebrow. "You want ME to wash YOUR clothes," she repeats, as if not quite getting it and hoping that repeating it will help her understand. Then she adds, "And in return...?" she asks, not quite believing the nature of the trade being proposed. So Beatrice reiterates the terms: "In return a chance to visit the house you love so much--while you do my laundry, of course. Just like the opportunity you gave me, so long ago. Don't you remember what you said to me when I first interviewed? ``The opportunity of a lifetime'' you told me. And here I am today, so I guess you were right. You might say it's my chance to repay you in kind for all you did for me over the years... that is, if you don't mind wearing the uniform that goes with it. But then, you wouldn't mind that. You always used to tell me how dignified it was and how it would make anyone proud to be working as laundry maid at this house, didn't you?" Katherine shakes her head in continued, sober disbelief.

Paul and Mary approach the others. "Did you have a nice family chat?" Charlie asks. Mary looks uncomfortable. "Uh, yes, I think we got everything out in the open," she says. "Good, because while you were talking, I came up with an idea that I think is just super and I'm hoping you'll agree it's just the thing to liven up the holidays." Mary isn't sure what to say, and Charlie takes advantage of her delay in responding to press on. "Ok, so here goes, he says. Suppose we make it a foursome." "A foursome for what? Bridge?" Mary asks. "No, our marriage. Mary, I'm no fool. I know you used to be married to Carl, and that you still probably have feelings toward him." "Well, that's for sure," Paul mutters. "But Carl's got feelings for Ruth," Charlie continues. "And I even think Ruth and I would hit it off well in the sack if we were left alone for a little while," Charlie finishes. "So what do you say? No one changes marital status. We'll just all move in together and sleep with whoever we feel like whenever we want. What do you say, Mary?"

"Are you sure we can't just come to a monetary arrangement?" Katherine asks Beatrice. "Oh, Mrs. Chancellor, what would an old woman like me do with money? I mostly only used my money to pay my rent, and now I have no more rent to pay." "But you'll have to eat. And you may want to travel." "I'm sure I'll find a way," Beatrice says, dismissing the concern in a very confident tone of voice. "But you said you have no cash." "That's true. But I didn't say I couldn't GET cash. What little extra I need, I'm sure I can get by selling the occasional priceless artifact from the living room. Maybe I'll have a yard sale. I'm sure some of my friends from the places I've been living would love some of this stuff in their homes. It would be a way to carry on your tradition of helping the homeless and the infirm, wouldn't it, Mrs. Chancellor? It's important that I fill your shoes in EVERY way, if you know what I mean. And selling those paintings and jewels, well, that should take care of my day-to-day living expenses as they come up. At least for a while, don't you think? For those expenses I have to pay in cash anyway. In your case, well, I see no need to waste a nice piece of art hiring you--not since I think you'll work for free."

At Central High back in Madison, the gymnasium is packed with people in their mid twenties, wandering around chatting amiably. They each wear nametags and most are sipping punch. "Hey, this is the best reunion we've ever had," says someone. "It's the only reunion we've ever had," someone else responds. "Right. I can't believe it took us this long to be organized like this. Thank goodness there was one of us left with some school spirit--what was her name?" "Haggart, I think," someone else says. "Tammy Haggart." "I didn't know her." "Neither did I." "Well, who really cares. I think we elect her Queen of the May." "But it's December." "May/December. Who cares? I just think we should honor her. After all she's done for our class. We'd never have all gotten together this way if she hadn't made all those phone calls. She'll never know how much we owe her..."

Katherine rolls here eyes and looks impatient. "Oh, and there's just one more thing--you do understand this is a full-time position, right? I can't have part-time staff. It'd be just too difficult for me to handle all the comings and goings of too many staff members, an old woman like me. I'm so forgetful. I'm not sure I could keep it all straight in my head. So if you want to visit, you have to live here. All the time. In uniform. And if you quit, you can't ever come back again." Katherine looks up into the sky. "Phillip, my dear. Do you see what I've been reduced to?" she asks. Then she says to Beatrice, "Very well. Let me have the uniform." Beatrice smiles. "Thanks, Mrs. C. I knew you'd see it my way." Then she pulls the door wider and calls into the next room. "Jill? Would you see that this woman is fitted with a laundry maid's outfit and get her set up in the servants' quarters with a nice room next to yours?"

That's all for this episode. Hope you learned something. Don't miss Episode 120!
If you missed any older episodes, see the index.

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