Episode 106, originally published 14-Aug-98

Witless for the Prosecution

It's Cole and Ashley's wedding. The ceremony has not yet begun. Malcolm's real camera is apparently broken--he is walking back and forth taking pictures with a cheap instamatic as various people enter.

Nikki and Victor enter, and approach Cole. "Victor," Cole says. "I didn't expect to see you here." "No, Cole, I'm sure you didn't," Victor says. "Don't you think it's just a little tacky--what with your relationship to my new wife?" "Cole," Victor says, "I'll tell you what is tacky--you continuing to live on the ranch after divorcing my daughter." "Well, Victor," Cole says, "I guess that's why they call my residence the Tack House." "Be that as it may," Nikki says, "I still don't understand why you couldn't do the polite thing and move out." "It just wasn't convenient, Nikki. I'm really quite installed there--my computer's all set up, and my printer." Saronica walks up. "Cole," she says, "you don't have a printer." "I don't?" he asks. "But what about all those pages that are crumpled up in my room?" "I checked," she says. "They're all blank. Not only that, but your computer is a lap-top portable." "So?" he asks. "That means it can be easily picked up and moved," Saronica says. "It does?" Cole asks. "That's incredible--just incredible. Well, it just tells me I've picked the right person to be my research assistant. I just never know what kind of incredible facts you're going to dig up. Uh, excuse me--I think I see someone I have to say `hello' to."

Cole moves to Steve and says, "Hey, Steve! How's my favorite publisher?" he asks. Steve shakes his hand. "Hello, Cole." "Hey, where's Tracy?" Steve looks at his watch. "Probably putting on weight," he says. Cole points to the watch and says, "Getting to be a regular thing, huh? Gotta tell her to lay off the Doritos. I had a writing assistant who--" Steve stops him. "Easy, Cole. She's just researching her next book." "Her next book? She's writing a book about food?" "No, about Jupiter. I said she was putting on weight, not mass. She hitched a ride on the Galileo spacecraft which is just passing Jupiter--it has quite a gravitational pull, you know. Any of us would be a lot heavier there." "Really?" Cole says. "A book about outer space. That's incredible. Just incredible." Steve nods. "I tried to contact her about this wedding, but you know how it is--once you're in the gravitational pull of a planetary gas giant, it's hard to escape. And, of course, it takes 45 light minutes just to get messages back and forth. That makes communicating very difficult." Cole doesn't have a clue what he's talking about, but replies anyway. "That's just incredible Steve. So what you're saying is that your wife has both her light minutes and her heavy minutes, huh? Maybe you should get her a job advertising feminine hygiene products when she gets back..."

"Say," Cole says, "Tracy didn't take little Colleen with her on her trip to Jupiter, did she?" "Actually, she did," Steve explains. Cole sighs understandingly. "That's a bummer, Steve. Missing her all this time. Kids grow up so quick you know." Steve smiles. "Well, fortunately, that's one of the good things about space travel. Kids grow up slower when traveling at rocket speeds." "No kidding?" Cole says. "Hey, they don't have a sort of inverse space I could send my ex-wife to, do they?" Steve, who doesn't know about Victoria's pregnancy, gives him a blank look. "Ah, nevermind," Cole says cryptically. "There's always Switzerland. Hey, and speaking of trying to hurry things up, did I tell you about my idea for my next book?" "No, you didn't. What's it about?" "Well, first," Cole explains, "let me just warn you that this idea is incredible. Just incredible."

Cole points Steve at Miguel and Saronica, who are just sitting down nearby. "Look, it's Miguel with my new research assistant, Veronica. She's incredible. And she appeared at such a perfect time--you see, my new book is a fictionalized account of how this maid, Sarah, shot Nikki and then mysteriously disappeared right afterward. But fortunately for me, Veronica here appeared out of nowhere at just that exact same time and is going to help me track down what happened with Sarah. I think it's going to work out well, because Sarah's exactly the same height and weight as Sarah. And her facial bone structure is the same as Sarah's. And her voice is just like Sarah's. And she even has a little limp--just like Sarah. Not only that, but the police say she and Sarah share the same fingerprints. Is that incredible or what? I'm hoping that somehow the coincidence of her being in every way just like Sarah will help her to give me some insight into what this mysterious maid was like and why she would vanish so suddenly without a single trace." Steve nods. "Sounds like this one's really going to tax the limits of your imagination," he says.

* * * HALF TIME * * *

Later, at the reception, Miguel is chatting with Saronica. "Honey, why is it so hard for you to think of marrying me?" he asks. "Is it because of something to do with your first husband?" "My first husband is dead!" she snaps. "I killed him. With a gun. Because he was having an affair." Miguel is quite taken aback. Saronica herself takes a while to realize what she's said. At first she just looks embarrassed. Then finally she volunteers. "Did I say kill? I meant--he's dead to me." "But you said you killed him," Miguel notes. "Did I?" she asks. "Well, I meant I killed the relationship--by filing the divorce papers." "But you said a gun," Miguel points out. "Uh, I meant that when things went bad, I was out of there like a shot." "Ah," says Miguel. "But you mentioned an affair?" "Yes, the night I left. A big party--a grand affair--you know?" "Of course. The Newmans have affairs all the time." "So I've heard," Saronica mutters.

Cole walks up. "Veronica, I couldn't help but overhear your discussion with Miguel here about your first husband, and I got to thinking--this maid, Sarah--maybe the reason she shot Nikki's husband was because he was having an affair." "Excuse me, Cole," says Miguel, "but I don't think that makes much sense--you see, there was no party planned for the evening of the murder." Cole nods. "Good point, Miguel. Well, I'll keep working on it. I'm pretty sure there's got to be a--what do you call it?" "A motive?" Saronica asks. "Exactly!" says Cole. He turns to Miguel. "Is this woman incredible or what?" "That's what I've been telling everyone," Miguel agrees.

"Nick," says Grace, as she finds him standing alone by the punch bowl. "Hey, Grace. What's up?" "I brought you these tickets," Grace says. Nick reads the label on them. "A reservation for two at the Honeymoon Suite at the Genoa City Hotel for tomorrow night. What's this about?" "It's for you and Sharon." "But it's for tomorrow night--we can't. Sharon's busy with Cassie--a mother and daughter night at camp. You use them." "I can't--Tony's just been promoted. He has a big meeting." "Too bad," Nick says. "It's a cool hotel. My favorite, in fact." "Mine, too," Grace says. "Hey," she says coolly, "maybe we should use them." "You and me?" "Sure, why not?" "I dunno," Nick says. "Nick, it's just a hotel. You and I work together and we'll have to take business trips together. If we can't stay in the same hotel together, that's going to make things pretty complicated." "Yeah, I guess you're right. But we're just going to talk about business all night, right?" Grace smiles. "If that's what turns you on, Nick. Sure. I promise."

Cole pulls Saronica aside. "Look, Sarah--I mean Veronica--sorry about that. I can't imagine why I got confused like that. Look, I've been thinking about this book for a long time and I'm still pretty sure it needs something more. Something to really cause it to take hold." "What ideas do you have so far?" she asks. "Well, the maid Sarah--you know--the incredible one? She shoots this fella Joshua, and his wife Nikki. We'll have to use other names of course." "And--?" she asks. He gives her a blank look. "And what?" he asks. "What other ideas do you have so far?" she asks. He continues to give her that blank look. "Like other characters? plot?" she asks. "See, there ya go," Cole says. "This is exactly the kind of thing I'm looking for. Ideas to perk it up. Characters and plot. Lots of the best novels seem to have that kind of thing, don't they? And I'll also need some other people in the story, and things for them to do."

Saronica sighs and pushes off to the side to talk to the audience. "Can I do this? Can I put up with this idiot for the months it will take him to write a book?" She plays with her hands nervously and looks pensive for a moment. "What am I TALKING about?" she says suddenly. "This guy can't write a book! He'll need help--lots of help. From someone who knows what she's doing... This could work out. I think this could work out."

"Hey," Cole says, yanking Saronica by the arm. "I need you over here." She comes over to find him talking to Nikki again. "I was thinking--while I've got the two of you here together, maybe we could talk about my book." "I don't understand," says Saronica. "Well, for once I agree with Sarah--I mean, Veronica," Nikki says. She turns to Saronica and says apologetically, "Sorry." "That's ok," Saronica says. "People make that mistake all the time. After all, we have the same fingerprints." "Just my point," says Cole. "So why don't you play the part of Sarah? And Nikki, you can be yourself. Would you mind laying down on the floor?" "What is this about?" Nikki asks. "Just trying to get ideas for my book," Cole says. "I was hoping that maybe if I set up the scene, I'd get some ideas about what to write." Nikki looks uncertain, but lays on the floor. Others crowd around to watch. Cole grabs a nearby rug and uses the cake knife to cut off a piece of it. "Hear, wear this on your head," he says to Saronica. She looks nervous, but doesn't dare say `no'.

As Saronica is starting to pull on the rug, Cole grabs some ketchup from a nearby serving tray and drops it on Nikki's dress. "There," he says. Nikki looks up and sees Saronica for who she is--Sarah. "It's her!" she shrieks. "Who?" Cole says. "Sarah! It's Sarah. Veronica is Sarah!! She tried to kill me." Cole shakes his head. "Nikki, this is just my research assistant, Sarah--I mean--Veronica. (Sorry, Veronica.)" "It's her!" Nikki continues to scream. "Get ahold of yourself, Sen~ora Newman," Miguel says, stepping forward from the crowd. "Sarah--I mean Veronica (Sorry, honey)--is NOT Sarah! She is the woman I love. And I will not permit you to malign her in this way." Victor steps out of the crowd, putting a cell phone back into his pocket. "Everyone just relax. The situation is under control. I have called the appropriate authorities, and..." Just then, two men in white lab coats arrive and fit Nikki with a straitjacket. "No, it's her! I'm telling you. It's her!" Nikki says as she's carried off. "I'm sorry for this little disturbance," Victor says. "Apparently, my wife has completely lost it. But do not be concerned. As luck would have it, I have a spare wife. So everything will be just fine, ahright? Now please just go back to whatever you were doing."

Nick and Sharon walk up. "Cole, have you seen my sister?" Nick asks. "Vikki is here?" Cole asks, slightly alarmed. "In the flesh," comes Victoria's voice from behind him. He wheels around to see Victoria in a tight dress, looking VERY pregnant. "Your little son-or-daughter and I just couldn't stay away," Victoria said. "Well, he's mine now," says Ashley, joining in on the posturing. "So I've heard," Victoria says. "Well, don't let me keep you. I know you two were about to run off and make our little boy-or-girl a little half-brother-or-half-sister." As you might expect, there is a pregnant pause. "Victoria, really!" Sharon finally chides her. "Relax, Sharon," Victoria says, "hassling these two is just how I get my kicks."

Victoria then walks over to Saronica and says, "Sarah, can I have a word with you?" "Don't you mean Veronica?" Saronica asks. Victoria rolls her eyes. "Yeah, right--like anyone can't tell you're the murderer," Vikki says. Saronica looks quite worried. "Just chill, ok?" Vikki says. "I'm willing to overlook your little error in judgment. I mean, I'm sorry to see Joshua gone, but then again, it's a little creepy having a step-father who's also your gynecologist, if you know what I mean. And Mom--well,--God only knows I've wanted to shoot her a few times myself. You just saved me the trouble. Anyway, I don't know why no one has figured this out, but I'm not going to clue them in if you just do me one little favor." "Favor?" Saronica asks. "I'll explain..." she says, starting to whisper something to her as we go to commercial.

Back from commercial, Victoria says to Saronica, "Now you have to hurry--they're going to be leaving soon." Saronica heads first to a table where all the women have set their purses and starts digging around to find her own. After a few moments, she seems satisfied about something and goes to Cole, tugging him aside. "Can it wait?" Cole asks. "I'm about to go with my new bride to a hotel to try to make a baby." "ANOTHER baby," says Victoria, who's following along. Cole sighs. "You're making it pretty hard for me," he says. "Am I?" Victoria says with an innocent smile. "I promise that's not my intent--in fact, just the opposite." "I have a plot idea," Saronica says. Cole's eyes light up. "If you'll excuse me," he says to Vikki, "this is important." "Of course," Vikki says, well aware of what's up.

"So what is it?" Cole asks Saronica once they are off in a corner alone. "I think I know who did it." "In the book?" he asks. "No, for real." "That's incredible!" Cole says. "Who?" "I think it's Ashley." "Ashley? How could that be? What would her--her--" "Motive?" "Right, her motive. What would that be?" "I think she wanted to be the star of your book." "But she was already the star of my book. Hope in a Bottle." "But you were done with that. And she was old news. She had to stay in the news. So she killed Joshua, and almost killed Nikki, just so she could attract you keep you attracted to her." "So the book idea is hers and not mine? That's incredible." "Yes, I know it seems that way," says Saronica. "But I bet if you were to locate the murder weapon..." "That's easier said than done," Cole says. "Maybe. But I noticed a gun in her purse just now. I think you should have it tested."

Cole goes immediately to Ashley. "Can I borrow some lipstick?" he asks. "Sure," she says, grabbing her purse from the table full of purses and opening it. As she reaches inside, she looks up suddenly and says, "Hey, you don't wear lipstick!" "And you don't normally carry a gun either," he notes. "What's that gun in there?" he says loudly, pointing to the open purse. Everyone crowds around to see.

"Don't touch that," says a man in uniform, stepping forward from the crowd. "It looks like the murder weapon." "Well, well, if it isn't Carl Williams," says Victor. The man shakes his head. "Nope, I'm Jim Bradley. A security guard at the Newman Ranch. I've been on the trail of the killer and I think this new bride is her!" "Well, I'll be damned!" Victor says as Carl/Jim hauls Ashley off in handcuffs. "It's not a good day for my ex-wives." Victor mutters even more softly than usual.

"Too bad, Cole," Victoria says as the crowd dissipates. "I'll say," Cole agrees wistfully. "We never even got to consummate the marriage." "Well, maybe you should get the marriage anulled and come back to me. I could stop in at your place and help you consummate it." "Well, I have to say, it sounds incredible, but--wouldn't it be just a little tacky?" Cole asks. "Well," says Victoria with a twinkle in her eye, "isn't that why they call it the Tack House?"

That's all for this episode. Hope you learned something. Don't miss Episode 107!
If you missed any older episodes, see the index.

Feedback, good or bad, is always appreciated.